In short: Elves (1990)

Kirsten (Julie Austin), a valleygirlish creature leads the charmed life of a princess: her little brother is an obnoxious pest, her mother (Deanna Lund)- cat-killing bitch - hates her and her grandfather (Borah Silver) has a very suspect "German" accent. He's also her father as well as her gramps.

That is not the only surprising revelation this Christmas will have for her. She'll also learn that she is the product of genetic experimentation which makes her the perfect woman for mating with one of the killer elves the nazis employed, producing the Antichrist. Soon a stiff elf puppet and a group of neo-nazis are trying to lay their hands on the young woman. The only thing that stands between humanity and the elfpocalypse is ex-cop turned store detective turned store Santa Claus Dan Haggerty and his mystical flabby fatness.

 

Sounds great in a totally braindead way, doesn't it? Unfortunately it is far from it. Elves is mostly a terrible bore of a movie, taking itself far too seriously without ever reaching anything like naive charme. From time to time a bit of smirkworthy dialogue nearly wakes the viewer up, but if you are looking for entertainment going beyond watching a stoned Haggerty doing nothing of interest, you have come to the wrong place.

 

Technorati-Tags: american movies,horror,in short,boredom

The Horror!? 86: The Demon (1979)

A very slow and delibaretly working killer kidnaps the daughter of a burgeois family. Though he kills again and has obviously no intention of hiding his victims, the girl's body is never found. Her parents, desperate for any kind of closure, seek out the help of soldier-turned-clairvoyant Bill Carson (Cameron Mitchell, as always badly in need of his drinking money).

Since all his sniffing on pieces of clothes doesn't lead to any helpful visions, the movie merrily jumps to a pair of young women (sisters? cousins? - I am not completely sure and will certainly not watch parts of this again to find out), whose boring love lifes and all-around annoyingness will accompany us for the rest of the movie. There is hope, though, because our friend, the very slow killer stalks the two women, albeit even more slowly. From time to time we look in on him anyway, and see him standing, standing or standing and washing his mask (that seems to be able to teleport onto and off of his skull at will).

At this point I had high hopes to at least see the clairvoyant guy again, but no chance. Carson is finally able to tell where the killer lives. He even seems to have an especially good day concerning visions - he also prophecises that the father will not survive his short moment of Charles Bronson vigilantism against the Slow One.

All of this comes true, but of course The Demon still finds the time to show us the sisters of boredom again and again and again.

Actually, it shows us the two that often and extensive that there isn't much time to wrap the film up, so Cameron Mitchell is disposed of in one of the stupidest twists imaginable and the killer can finally strike.

Oh, there are South African horror films? I hesitate to call this a horror film, I even hesitate to call it a film.

It's an absolutely dire attempt to make a slasher movie (at least I suspect it is meant to be one), one of those films that don't get anything right except a nearly mystical aura of utter cluelessness and boredom.

At least I know what to do the next time I can't sleep.

 

Technorati-Tags: horror,cameron mitchell,reviews,slasher,south african movies