The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996)

Title: The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996)

Director: Renny Harlin

Cast: Geena Davis, Samuel L. Jackson, Brian Cox, David Morse, Craig Bierko

Review:

The deal with The Long Kiss Goodnight is that it’s the kind of movie that makes you wonder why it tanked at the box office in such a big way. I mean, here’s a film that’s action packed, fast paced, has a great cast, and is quite frankly pure adrenaline filled fun, yet it didn’t manage to get audiences’ butts to the theater. There are a few reasons that we can blame for that, but I’ll get into them later. I hadn’t seen The Long Kiss Goodnight in such a long time that I decided to give it the old re-watch/reassessment, just because Shane Black is back on the radar writing and directing big budget action films like Iron Man 3 (2013). You see, Shane Black got a lot of heat for selling the script for The Long Kiss Goodnight for four million dollars! He suddenly became the highest paid writer in Hollywood, but also one of the most hated. I chalk it up to jealousy, anybody who is offered that much money for writing an action film is going to take the money! I know I would! The ones spewing the hatred were just jealous it wasn’t them getting paid four million dollars, that’s all. So this movie is notoriously famous for that alone;  but also because it was a huge flop. After this movie tanked the way it did, Shane Black went into hibernation, hiding away from Hollywood. Did The Long Kiss Goodnight deserve to flop so hard? Does the film stand the test of time? I say hells yeah! I’m glad I bought this one and re-watched it, its fun times all the way!

On this one we meet Samantha Caine, a school teacher and a mother.  She’s on the PTA and all that, she’s the perfect house wife/mom type of deal. But there’s one problem though, she can’t remember who she used to be. Two years prior, she woke up on a beach, half dead, unable to recall who she was before that, so she started a new life, a quiet life in the suburbs. Yet slowly but surely, in subtle ways, her old self is resurfacing. She has nightmares in which a mirror image of herself tells her that her real name is Charlie and that Charlie is “coming back!” Samantha suddenly becomes quite skilled at throwing knifes! Suddenly she’ll have these short outbursts of anger and tells her daughter to stop being such a baby! She tells her “life is pain! Get used to it!” These are all things she puts to the side and tries to ignore; she just tries to continue with her normal suburban life. The real problems start when a gang of thugs, dressed as Christmas carolers come knocking at her door shooting at her and her family with machine guns! Why do these guys want her dead? Who was she before being picture perfect mommy?

The Long Kiss Goodnight got a bad rap for a couple of reasons, number one being that this was the film that Renny Harlin directed after Cutthroat Island (1995), a film that was one of the biggest flops in cinematic history. Just so you get an idea of what kind of a flop Cutthroat Island was, it cost 98 million dollars yet made back only about 11 million at the box office! Dang, now that’s what I call a major flop! So anyhow, apparently audiences didn’t trust Harlin as a director because he’d done that “awful” pirate movie that turned out to be one of the biggest turkeys ever. On Cutthroat Islands’ behalf I will say that I never understood why it failed, I think that movie was huge fun as well. I mean, it was no less fun than those Pirates of the Caribbean movies that are so popular nowadays. I guess it was just the wrong time, or the wrong cast, or whatever. Who knows why audiences end up collectively turning their backs on a given project, sometimes it’s the stupidest of things. But in the case of The Long Kiss Goodnight, its failure probably came as a result of Cutthroat Islands colossal downfall. In Shane Black’s own words “I wish The Long Kiss Goodnight hadn’t been released after Cutthroat Island” Worldwide The Long Kiss Goodnight made close to 90 million, but domestically it didn’t even make half of its 65 million budget back.

Sad story too because this movie is a lot of fun, as an action movie, it hits all the right buttons. First we have that intrigue of Samantha having a second personality buried deep within her psyche, this side of the story is always fun because you just know that that second personality is gonna come bursting out at some point. In that sense it reminded me of Angelina Jolie in SALT (2010), a deadly female fatale who doesn’t quite understand her full potential…yet. Geena Davis is fantastic on this one, she plays the innocent, beautiful wife/mom, living the family life, then suddenly she does the 180 and turns into a hellish top secret agent who can kill you with her breath. She turns into a full blown action star on this one! I loved seeing Geena Davis with blond hair, lots of eye liner, holding a machine gun, shooting it with a mean look on her face! She looked freaking great! Mrs. Davis went on to state that she did most of her own stunts on this show, pretty impressive if you ask me! As Samuel Jackson’s character ‘Mitch’ puts it: “What I’m saying is, back when we first met you were all like “Oh Phooey! I burned the darned muffins!” Now you go into a bar, ten minutes later, sailors come running out, what up with that? ” I enjoyed that double personality twist. Mrs. Davis was married to Renny Harlin the director of this film; so Cutthroat Island and The Long Kiss Goodnight signified two back to back turkeys on Mrs. Davis’s resume, worst part is they were both directed by her husband! Kind of makes sense that two years later they divorced.

But all that bull crap aside, I’m of the opinion this movie shouldn’t have tanked at all. The last half hour of this movie is nonstop action! Seriously, it’s a barrage of huge explosions, machine guns, cars flying through the air as they burst into flames….I mean, this one has one explosive ending! This movie is so much fun that both Harlin and Jackson have stated that out of all the films they’ve made, this is their favorite. One thing I found interesting about the script is how the bad guys are trying to pull off a 9/11 by planning a terrorist attack that they will blame on the Muslims, just so they can get more funding for their own purposes! I was like damn; did Shane Black have a magic ball that could look a couple of years into the future when he wrote this? Freaking weird! But thinking back a bit, Mr. Black was probably commenting a bit on the terrorist bombing that occurred on the World Trade Center in 1993, remember that one?

Directing wise, I think Harlin did a great job. This is a director whose films I’ve always enjoyed. He was responsible for Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988), the most successful Nightmare on Elm Street film of them all. He also made Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990), a worthy sequel to the original and he had a taste of big time success when he made Cliffhanger (1993) with Sylvester Stallone. His career started going down after he did these two huge flops, but they were films that flopped for all the wrong reasons. I’ve seen far worse movies then these make gazillions at the box office, so let’s just chalk these two back to back bombs to bad circumstances. Harlin’s career never quite recuperated from that blow, he ended up directing truly bad films like Exorcist: The Beginning (2004) and The Convenant (2006). But back in his glory days, the guy was on fire! As it is, The Long Kiss Goodnight is so fast paced that I don’t think there’s a shot in the film that lasts more then 3 to 4 seconds! Literally! The only flaw I can find is that sometimes we go from plot point to plot point a bit too fast, so much so that sometimes you feel like there’s a gap in there somewhere, but overall, even with these few hiccups, the film is unabashedly entertaining. Recommend it for a night of over the top fun!

Rating : 4 out of 5

Drive Angry (2011)

Title: Drive Angry (2011)

Director: Patrick Lussier

Cast: Nicolas Cage, Amber Heard, William Fichtner, Billy Burke, David Morse

Review:

Drive Angry is the title they gave this film because that’s exactly what the producers of this film expect everyone to do once they walk out of the theater: Drive Angry, very freaking angry! I guess with that title, they figured they might as well let audiences know what they can expect ahead of time. Wow, what a bad movie. That debt that Nicolas Cage has with the U.S. Government for millions of dollars in unpaid taxes must be a real bitch because the guy is taking every pay day he can get! No matter how crappy the movie is! Are you making a terrible film no one wants to be in? Contact Nicolas Cage’s agent, I’m sure he’ll have no problem squeezing you in to his continuously growing line up of bad films. Yes my friends, here we are once again talking about an extremely shitty Nicolas Cage film which he obviously did out of necessity. At least I hope he did! No self righteous actor would have agreed to be in this poor excuse for a movie. But alas, you might think I’m being overtly cruel with this picture, but I tell you I am not! As I watched it, I just couldn’t help seeing the words “tear this one a new asshole” flashing in my minds eye. And so here I am, poised and ready to tear this one shit stain of a movie a new one. 

This pic makes this film look cooler than it actually is

This film tells the tale of John Milton (get it?) a guy who has just escaped from hell itself! And what is his reason for escaping the fiery pits of Hades? To save his infant granddaughter from being sacrificed by a cult of inbred Satanists; so he has a noble cause at least. Along the way, he befriends an ex-waitress who has just quit her job. And guess what? She's in luck because Mr. Milton arrives just in time to save her from being killed by her abusive boyfriend. Of course, this is just a lame-o excuse so that she feels she like she owes her life to him, so that Cage can have a hot babe tagging along in his adventures. Funniest part of the whole film is that this girl has nothing to do with anything! She’s not related to Milton, the baby isn’t hers, and she has nothing to do with the Satanists, yet she insists in tagging along, risking her life for no reason whatsoever. A simply thank you would have been fine. Unbeknownst to this poor girl is the fact that Milton is being followed by a demon from hell who calls himself ‘The Accountant’. This demon is trying to recover Satan’s gun. You see,  Milton stole it from under Lucifer’s noses. And yes, you read that right kids, Satan has guns in this movie! Shouldnt be that weird, if you accept the fact that there are cars in hell as well, Milton actually escapes from hell in one! Ha! But anyways, Milton doesnt just steal any old gun, this is the gun with which Satan intends to kill God with on Judgment Day! The guns name is “The God Killer”! To be honest, I don’t know why Satan would want this gun; all it does is fire crappy looking CGI bullets that turn anything they hit into an even crappier CGI effect. Will The Accountant ever catch up with John Milton? Will Milton get to rescue his granddaughter from the clutches of the Satanists? 

When you watch Nicholas Cage acting in films like Drive Angry, The Wickerman (2006) or Season of the Witch (2011) you kind of have to wonder if he still gives a crap about acting. You also have to wonder if he’s sold his soul to the devil. I mean what is this, his fourth Satan related film? Let’s see, first there’s Ghost Rider (2006) where he sells his soul to the devil in order to save his fathers life. He then goes on to become the devil’s personal henchman. Then there’s Season of the Witch (2011) a terrible film in which Cage must go on a journey to destroy an evil witch who is possessed by a demon. Then there’s Drive Angry in which he steals Satan’s gun and escapes from Hell to stop a group of Satanists from sacrificing his granddaughter, and finally, there’s the upcoming Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance a film that is going to be showing its ugly head sometime in 2012. Not exactly the best films to have on your resume, but then again, considering how much Cage gets paid per picture, the guy should be out of debt and making good movies in no time! Right? In fact, in a small glimmer of hope for Cage’s cinematic career, it was recently announced that Cage would re-unite with Charlie Kaufman and Spike Jonze on a new film project. Something good should come of that reunion, after all, these where the same three guys who brought us the critically acclaimed Adaptation (2002). I’m sure one day we’ll look back at Nicolas Cage’s filmography and think of this particular time in his career as his “tax paying films”; when you think about it, it comes as no surprise that the villain in Drive Angry is called ‘The Accountant’. 

Nicolas Cage's worst nightmare! The Accountant!

Drive Angry is the kind of film that is so badly made that your compulsion to burst out laughing wont be helped; it’ll just come out of you naturally. How bad is this film? Let me count the ways: first off, this film has some of the worst computer animated images I’ve seen since Dinocroc vs. Supergator (2010). I mean, the CGI on this film looked like something you’d expect to see on a Sci-Fi Channel movie of the week. How the hell could Patrick Lussier, this films director, look at this footage and be okay with it? How could he live with himself knowing he’d be responsible for this terrible film? Heres an example of how shitty the effects are: there is this one scene in which a truck hits a bunch of police cars and ends up flying through the air hovering above Cage’s car, and then falls back on the ground. This scene is a text book example of a badly constructed action sequence. The scene was not convincing at all. It had zero believability, zero tension, what it did have was the fakest looking computer effects! The truck was so obviously not there! You know how in some of the worst movies, when characters are talking inside of a moving car, the background looks fake and you can tell the actors are just sitting in front of a projection screen? That’s what happens on this film, you can tell they are sitting on a car with a green screen behind them! Ugh! I haven’t seen effects this bad since Ballistic: Eck Vs. Sever (2002). I clearly remember people laughing at that one in the theater, I’m sure Drive Angry had the same effect on many theater crowds. Just expect some of the worst CGI of your life. 

The worst special effect of all? Nicolas Cage's hair do! 

Patrick Lussier is the director orchestrating this attempted homage to Satanic films. It’s obvious Lussier and crew saw many Satanic classics before deciding to sit down to make this one, the most obvious influence being Race with the Devil (1975), even going as far as using the same car used in that film. Unfortunately, no matter how hard they tried, this isn’t a good film about Satanist. Then again, I really haven’t seen a film about Satanists that wasn’t funny or goofy to some extent. I mean, there are some good ones out there like for example Roman Polanski’s Satanic double whammy Rosemary’s Baby (1968) and The Ninth Gate (1999). It’s really difficult for me to see a film about Satan worshippers and not find it silly somehow, I guess adults dressed up in black hoods, thinking Satan is real is kind of silly to me. If you don’t believe me, then watch The Devils Rain (1975) where you can see Ernest Borgnine become Satan with a beer belly. If you want to laugh even harder check out Christopher Lee in To the Devil a Daughter (1976), and while your there, say hello to Christopher Lee’s ass while your at it, it makes a cameo during an embarrassingly bad orgy sequence. It’s not for nothing that this film ended up being the final nail on Hammer Film Studios coffin. I guess you can add Drive Angry to your list of silly Satanic films.

"Did I ever tell you this here skin jacket is a symbol of my individuality 

and my belief in personal freedom?"

Apparently, portraying a truly frightening Satanic cult isn’t quite as easy as we might think; the results are often times unintentionally funny. On Drive Angry we get the most pathetic group of Satanists ever! Some dance around naked, others don’t, I guess some are more into Satanism then others. The Satanists in Drive Angry are so pussy, that when they actually have a chance to sacrifice a baby and bring forth hell on earth, they think about it. Oh come on! You have the magical dagger, the moon is full and you have the baby in your hands, what are you waiting for?? Jeez. The most satanic thing they do is sit around drinking beers on the night hell is supposed to come to earth! But yeah, this movie is hilarious. I guess maybe in that way it can be enjoyed. To watch it and make fun of it with your buddies, at least thats what I did with my buddies. It does have on good thing going for it. The dialog made me laugh a couple of times. An example: “You know what this batch means? It means Federal Bureau of get the FUCK out of my way!” That’s right my friends, making a film about Satanist, and having it be good or frightening isn’t something that happens very often. I can count with the fingers on my hand how many films have achieved that. I just remembered another good thing that the film has going for it: it gave a small role to Tom Atkins doing what he does best: playing a tough as nails cop! 

Since the film is called Drive Angry, I was expecting it to at least have one memorable car chase sequence, something that really stands out. I was expecting something along the lines of a Fast and the Furious film but with a supernatural angle, or even better Mad Max with a supernatural angle.  And you know what? I bet if done correctly, this kind of film could actually work too. Unfortunately, the chase sequences are bland and filled with bad cgi, which proves to us two things: this movie not only got its supernatural/horror elements all wrong, it got it's car movie angle all wrong as well. Where were the good car chase sequences in this film? This proves my theory about putting guys who are on the technical side of filmmaking to direct, it doesn’t always work. Check out films like Virus (1999), Spawn (1997) and Blade Trinity (2004). All directed by writers, editors, and special effects technicians who thought they were directors. The results with those films where no less disastrous than Drive Angry a film directed by one Patrick Lussier, a guy who made a career out of editing Wes Craven films. In my book he isn’t a good storyteller or filmmaker, he might be a good editor which is what he’s supposed to be good at, but directing and telling a story with a film? Not his forte. You know what? Even his editing sucked on this one, some scenes just didn't match up; if you dont believe me check out this horrible sequence that takes place while The Accountant is chasing Cage down a bridge. Wow, logic, pacing, editing and everything else where entirely forsaken during that scene! If you ask me, My Bloody Valentine (2009) was as good as this director got. Surprisingly, Lussier will be directing yet again! Let’s see if he makes a worthy Halloween flick with his upcoming Halloween III slated for 2012. Buttom line with Drive Angry? This is yet another crap fest to add to Nicolas Cage’s ever declining filmography. Will Cage ever recover from this downward spiral in his career? Will he ever make a good film again? Or will the name Nicolas Cage continue being synonymous with bad films? Only time will tell with these questions. Let’s hope Cage will someday try to regain his dignity as an actor and do something that really cooks, instead of something like Drive Angry which fizzled. 

Rating: 1 out of 5

The Hurt Locker (2009)

Title: The Hurt Locker (2009)

Director: Kathryn Bigelow

Starring: Jeremy Renner, Anthony Mackie, Brian Geraghty, Guy Pierce, Ralph Fiennes, David Morse

The Hurt Locker is the movie with all the Oscar Buzz this year (2010) and if you ask this Film Connoisseur, it actually deserves it. In my opinion, sometimes the Oscars make this big deal about a certain movie, and when you actually get down to seeing it you end up asking yourself if that was in deed the best movie that the American film industry had to offer that year. Some nominations make you think that maybe the people in charge don’t really care much about good cinema. Sometimes it feels like they are just looking for the cutest film that they can market and make money with. Juno and Sunshine Millionaire come to mind. Not that they are bad films. But damn it, did they really deserve all that buzz and attention? This years Oscar nominations have not been announced yet, but if the attention that this film is getting is any indication of what we can expect at the Oscars, then The Hurt Locker is going to be THE movie to win awards next Oscar night. The film has already won many other respected awards across the world. The critics seem to love it and recommend it. So what’s the big deal with The Hurt Locker? Is it really as good a film as it’s being hyped up to be?

The Hurt Locker follows a group of soldiers in Bagdad who belong to a bomb disarming unit. Basically, the story develops right smack in the middle of the invasion of Iraq. United States has forcibly occupied the nation, they have invaded it by force. The people from Iraq are not happy with this so they organize terrorist attacks, by planting bombs in cars and buildings and even in the middle of the street. This is their attempt at somehow thwarting the United States ever growing control over their country. So in comes this small military unit in charge of dismantling these bombs. It’s a tough job but somebody has got to do it. What kind of toll will this war take on the psyche of these young men?

The reasons for all the hoopla are simple; this is a very well directed, acted, edited film. There are a couple of things that make it a special production though. Number one, the film was filmed in Jordan. Bigelow and crew flew themselves to East Asia and shot this film right there, in the eye of the storm as they say. Filming a movie this way, under a difficult political climate is not something new. It was done before in 2004 for a film called Turtles Can Fly from director Bahman Gohbadi; a very touching film that talks about the U.S. invasion of Iraq but from the perspective of the children who live there. Children who earn their money picking up live mines and re-selling them on the black market. It’s a very sad film, I highly recommend it if you enjoyed The Hurt Locker. But just because its been done before doesnt mean that filming The Hurt Locker was any less challenging for Bigelow and crew. Shooting a movie this way is a gargantuan task. To pull off such a good movie under those circumstances makes the film a great achievement in my book.

Kathryn Bigelow is known for making ‘macho’ films, even though she her self is not a macho. She’s a woman, which is really what makes her films stand out. It’s what has always set her apart from other female directors, who tend to focus on less action oriented films. And her films aren’t just action films, they are guy films. Main characters are guys being tough, robbing banks, jumping off airplanes and now, going to war. Bigelow put all her filmmaking experience on to this film. One look at it and you know there’s an experienced director behind the camera, the shots, the angles, the style. The documentary style is of course a great choice because it gives it all a news reel footage feel which we commonly associate with war images. Plus it puts us in on the action. But the handheld isn’t abused on this film. It’s a controlled thing, similar to what we saw in Darren Aronofsky’s The Wrestler (2008) where most of the film was filmed documentary style, but keeping camera movement under control. Loved that about The Hurt Locker.

The thing about The Hurt Locker is that it’s a great war film. It shows us not only the horrors of war, but it also shows us how the soldiers who go to war are affected by it on a personal and psychological level. These guys see death and dismemberment on a day to day basis, for real. These guys are shooting and killing and getting killed for real. Literally, your next breath might be your last. It’s hard to keep a sane mind under those circumstances and I loved how the movie addresses this from various angles. From the angle of the level headed soldier, doing his job, to the crazy loose cannon who’s all about doing things the reckless way. We also get to see things through the eyes of the one soldier who cant take the horrors of war and looses it. This movie is concerned with letting us know how these guys are transformed by the experience of war. They are never the same. I felt echoes of Stallone’s First Blood; where the man turned into a killing machine can no longer survive in a ‘normal society’. War calls him, like a drug. These soldiers are never the same when they come back. They are fractured souls and minds.

Other things I liked about the movie? Loved those moments when they are going to disarm a bomb. Lots of tension on this moments, especially when the people of Iraq are watching from their homes as these crazy American soldiers are disarming bombs in the middle of their streets. Bigelow directs the suspense with great precision. I liked that every now and then through out the film we get great little cameos that make the film better. Like Guy Pierce, Ralph Fiennes and David Morse. Kathryn Bigelow’s movies have always had a good soundtrack, always rock and rollish, and this one is no exception.

Performance wise, the movie wins as well. Jeremy Renner is getting all the buzz for possible Oscar nomination. He does a cold as stone soldier, living on the brink, with a devil may care attitude about him. Anthony Mackie out does himself as well, as the more level headed soldier, following the rules and the protocols, he hides his emotions, but at one point in the film he completely lets them out and it’s a great moment.

This is an all around excellent movie. Good production from all angles, made all the more special because of the circumstances and localizations in which they chose to shoot the film. One of Bigelow’s best. I hope she will continue making movies, and I hope she wins the Oscar for best director. Let’s face it; the best director award has NEVER been given to a woman! That has to do with the fact that not many women direct films, which is also wrong in my book. But I still find it surprising that only three woman have been nominated for this award, and it surprises me even more that not one of them has won it. I think The Hurt Locker is a film that the academy cannot ignore, and Bigelow’s direction is hard to miss as well. Here’s something interesting to think about: if Bigelow is nominated for best director for The Hurt Locker, and James Cameron gets nominated for best director for Avatar, then these two ex love birds will be fighting for the prestigious award. It will be interesting to see if she gets the nomination, and more interesting to see her beat Cameron to it. I loved Avatar, but between you and me, I’m rooting for Bigelow! After all, she was directing a tough film in the real world, sweating bullets underneath the dessert sun! Putting her life in peril behind the camera in a real location, not safely seating behind a computer monitor.

Rating: 5 out of 5

You go Kathryn, we're all rooting for ya!