Cobra (1986)

Title: Cobra (1986)

Director: George P. Cosmatos

Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Brigitte Nielsen

Review:

Here’s the thing I respect about Sylvester Stallone, and it’s a thing that in many ways puts him above even Arnold Schwarzenegger himself: Sylvester has never stopped being a filmmaker, he’s never let go of his artistic side. While Arnold deviated from filmmaking towards politics (actually going down a couple of notches in my cool-o-meter for doing just that) Sylvester has never stopped making movies. One of the aspects of Stallone that is most intriguing is that he writes his own freaking films, and this is something that elevates Stallone above Schwarzenegger because it shows that Stallone has that creative/artistic side about him which he has never abandoned, while Arnold only seems to care about being #1 no matter what he is doing, be it politics, weight lifting or making movies. Schwarzenegger’s creative output (aside from his acting of course)  only went as far as directing a made for tv movie called Christmas in Conneticut (1992) an episode of Tales from the Crypt called “The Switch” and it was a lame episode at that. But what has Sylvester done? Good old Sylvester has written all the Rambo and Rocky films himself! He also wrote such box office smash hits like Cliffhanger (1993) and The Expendables (2010), and let’s not forget, the man has directed a couple of these films himself as well. I mean, the guy is creative, and he’s still got it as far as I’m concerned. Cobra, the film I’ll be talking about today, was another one of the films that Stallone wrote himself. How was it?

"I hate supermarkets!"

Story for Cobra is all about a gang called ‘The New World Order’ that’s terrorizing the streets of California. Their mission in life? To destroy society as we know it. They hate the way things are, and so their solution is to kill as many people as they can, to cleanse the world and start a new one. They also like shooting the hell out of merchandise displays and produce in supermarkets. But don’t worry; America has a solution for scumbags like these: Lieutenant Marion “The Cobra” Cobretti. His motto? “I don’t deal with psychos, I put them away” His favorite one liner? “You’re the decease and I’m the cure”. When the cops cant handle a certain situation what do they do? They “call the Cobra” of course! The Cobra shows up in his vintage 1950’s Mercury, his cowboy boots, his tight jeans and his sunglasses. Oh and his match! He’s always got to be munching on a match! Currently, The New World Order have their targets set on super hot model Ingrid, played by Brigitte Nielsen. Will Cobra have what it takes to protect her from these psychos?

Stallone’s script for Cobra was based on a novel called ‘Fair Game’ by author Paula Gosling. That’s right ladies and gents; this testosterone filled action fest was based on a book written by a woman! And just so you know, Paula Gosling is a highly respected author of crime novels. I’ve never read ‘Fair Game’, but I’m willing to bet that Stallone took it and changed it into the testosterone overdose that Cobra ended up being, and he did a good job at it as far as I’m concerned. I don’t know how faithful this film was to the novel, but the film itself is pretty damn entertaining. Curiously enough, there’s another film out there that was based on the very same novel called Fair Game (1995) starring William Baldwin and Cindy Crawford. I remember watching that one many years ago, it would be interesting to re-watch it now, knowing that it’s another version of the same novel. I mean yeah, Cobra is dumb, it’s silly at times and unintentionally funny, but the damn thing is explosive and fast paced, what’s not to like? According to critics at the time, apparently a lot. Back in 1986, most critics thought this was a stinker. It was crowned worst everything at the Razzie awards that year. Cobra didn’t win the worst picture award, but that’s only because it was going up against Howard the Duck (1986), which took home the Razzie for worst film of 1986. But you know what? Who the hell cares, I love the non stop action in Cobra! I love the cheesy one liners and it’s over the topness!  

Stallone’s portrayal of Marion Cobretti is hilarious, practically everything he does and says will make you laugh, starting with his tough guy one liners! Cobra is the kind of guy who gets home after work, doesn’t take off his sunglasses or his gloves and starts munching away on a cold left over pizza, cutting it in half with a pair of scissors. See what I mean about hilarious and very entertaining? One of the main influences on this film was obviously Dirty Harry (1971). Hell, the actor who plays Cobretti’s partner is Reni Santoni, the same actor who played Dirty Harry’s sidekick Chico Gonzalez in Dirty Harry (1971). My guess is that Stallone was trying to channel Clint Eastwood’s Dirty Harry, but in the end, Stallone’s Marion Cobretti comes off all goofy and cheesy, not at all the nerves of steal, tough as nails old cop that Clint Eastwood portrayed in his films. Instead, Cobra comes off as the 1980’s MTV video version of Clint Eastwood; a Dirty Harry for the MTV generation. That makes it cool to watch in my book. I guess people in the 80’s were taking this movie way too seriously, now we can just sit back and enjoy it for what it is: a dumb yet fast paced action flick.

 And there’s lots of action alright. Film opens up with a psycho blasting away everything he sees in a supermarket. He loves blowing up supermarket carts and merchandise displays! Anything that reminds him how modern society is gets blown away! Which brings me to the crux of the film; what is it that drives the members of ‘The New World’?  Well, they enjoy getting together to bang their shinny metal axes up in the air and their mission statement is to kill the weak so the strong can survive. Their idea being that modern society can’t get rid of people like them, because all modern society does is breed people like them. Things are wrong, so that’s why they exist. They are simply the symptoms of a sick society. So they go around killing, sending out their anti-society message. Their next target is Ingrid, a super hot model played by non other than Brigitte Nielsen. I guess she represents the epitome of fakeness, one of the things I’m sure they consider to be wrong about society. So Cobra has to spend the rest of the film protecting the model from the killers. Amongst other things, an awesome car chase ensues, and it has got to be one of the coolest chase sequences ever filmed;  one for the books.

 This was another Cannon Films production, and these Cannon guys (producers Golan and Globus) specialized in cheesy/fun action films. Can you say Invasion U.S.A. (1986) anyone? Yup, these guys were on a roll with these kinds of films during the eighties and Cobra is the epitome of that era if you ask me. Funny thing about this movie: it started out as Beverly Hills Cop! Back in 1984, when Paramount Pictures had Stallone signed on to star in Beverly Hills Cop, Stallone wrote a less comedic action extravaganza that Paramount thought was too expensive to produce, so Stallone walked away, with the script that eventually ended up being Cobra. Eddie Murpy went on to portray on of his most iconic roles, and Stallone went and did his action extravaganza, which though panned by critics upon it’s release, went on to be loved by millions. This film still has legs, lovers of action films from the 80’s always bring this one up as one of the good ones, I gotta say, I totally agree.  

Rating: 4 out of 5 

Always a chance for a brewsky in between psychos

     

Red Sonja (1985)

Title: Red Sonja (1985)

Director: Richard Fleischer

Cast: Arnold Schwarznegger, Brigitte Nielsen, Sandahl Bergman, Ernie Reyes Jr.

Review:

Robert E. Howard the famous fantasy writer best known for creating the Conan Universe,  wrote many adventures featuring Conan the Barbarian for years and years. The character even got his own comic book series, thanks to the guys at Marvel Comics. Those series of comics spawned a character which many incorrectly associate as one of Robert E. Howard’s creations, when in reality the character has its roots in the comic book universe. I speak of Red Sonja. You see folks, what many don’t seem to know is that Red Sonja comes to us thanks comic book writer Roy Thomas and comic book illustrator Barry Windsor Smith. Red Sonja is a character with its roots firmly planted in the comic book world. Her first appearance was in Marvel Comics Conan the Barbarian #23. As a character and a franchise, Red Sonja has never really died, the red headed 'she-devil with a sword' has always existed in one form or another. There are currently a couple of comic book series being made with Red Sonja as the main character. One of them is Queen Sonja from Dynamite Comics. Robert Rodriguez, the director behind films like Sin City and From Dusk Till Dawn is looking to produce a new Red Sonja movie in the near future. But during the 80s it was the popularity of the Conan movies that got Red Sonja her own feature film in 1985. How was it?

Red Sonja's origins are firmly rooted on comic books

Story goes something like this: Evil Queen Gedren is out to get control of a device called The Talisman. This Talisman is said to have been used by “the creator” (are we talking about God here?) to make the universe. It is said that this Talisman can either create or destroy a world via earthquakes and storms. So logically, Queen Gedren being the power hungry tyrant that she is wants it all to herself. Problem is, she doesn’t know that The Talisman’s powers can get out of control! Good thing that one of the priestesses that protects The Talisman sent a message to Red Sonja so that she would make sure that The Talisman is properly destroyed, so it wont fall into the wrong hands. Will Sonja be able to find and destroy the Talisman?

 The cult that protects The Talisman

There are a couple of problems with this movie for me. First, the story is a disaster. It’s so silly, so simplistic that it would insult the intelligence of a monkey. We don’t even get to know who Red Sonja is before she goes galloping on to her adventure. Her origin story is told in a fast forward sequence that seems to have been compiled of a bunch of discarded or deleted scenes that they didn’t have time to include in the film. So what we end up seeing is a quickie version of Sonja’s origin story. On this flashback sequence, we see glimpses of Sonja’s hometown being destroyed, of Sonja being raped, and of Sonja receiving magic powers from some sort of benevolent spirit all in the course of less than five minutes. That’s one thing I enjoyed about the first Conan movie. It took its time to show us Conan’s past in an awesome extended opening sequence. Not so with Red Sonja which seems more interested in getting to “the good stuff” than showing us any character development. So Sonja is given sword wielding powers by some forest spirit we never even get a good look at. And just who is this spirit, and why does she choose Sonja to give her these supernatural sword wielding abilities? Who the heck knows, neither the director nor the writers cared enough to let us in on it. I guess it’s up to us to bestow this forest spirit with a name and a reason.

Even though she received supernatural sword prowess, Sonja still needs to train.

So is this a film that exists within the Conan Universe or not? It feels to me like it was actually trying to distance itself from the Conan Universe. Arnold Schwarznegger is on this film, but he doesn’t play Conan, he plays a character called Kalidor. Who the hell is Kalidor? And why does he look and act like Conan? When I was watching this movie as a kid, I didn’t care, to me he was Conan having an adventure with Red Sonja. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who was confused by this. Anyhow, Kalidor is a wanderer, simply going around the world looking for his next adventure when suddenly, Sonja and the whole Talisman deal falls on his lap and, Kalidor being the good guy that he is decides to tread along with this motley crew of adventurers. I mean, literally, a lady falls on his lap asking for his help to find Sonja so they could destroy The Talisman. It has been reported that Schwarznegger agreed to be on this movie only out of respect for its producers, he really didnt want to be on this one, and it shows. His "acting" is some of the worst of his career and he knows it. On the films premiere his own wife told him "if this movie doesnt kill your career, nothing will". Arnold agreed to be on this film, but only as a secondary character, yet he ended up getting top billing for this, this was something he resented when he saw his name on the films credits and promotional material. In a way, he plays Sonja's sidekick, following her, making sure she survives her journey. 

After that, it’s a journey through a strange and mysterious land filled with giant skeletons that form bridges, Kingdoms that are ruled by children, and a cave that harbors a giant mechanical snake. By the way, this giant mechanical snake that Red Sonja and Kalidor fight off is the high point of the film. Unfortunately, after that it’s all downhill for this movie. It doesn’t get any better than the giant mechanical snake. Then it turns into one of those movies where the good guys have to enter the bad guys castle and ends with the good guys exiting the castle and the castle turning into rubble. I cannot tell you just how many fantasy movies end with the bad guys castle either burning to a crisp or crumbling apart. Krull (1983) being the first one to come to mind. Red Sonja is a movie that is so cliché filled that we even finish the movie with Kalidor and Red Sonja kissing and horse back riding into the sunset! And just how many movies do you know where we see the villain falling to their death in a fiery pit below? Way too many that’s how many! So be ready for a cliché filled movie.

How do we know this is a cheesy b-movie? Well, for starters, Red Sonja wears make up, Queen Gedren wears a nightgown through out the whole movie, she looks like she is getting ready to go for a night out with the girls to the local night club or something. She even wears leather pants and high heels for crying out loud. She walks around her castle clicking her high heels like there’s no tomorrow. Queen Gedren is played by Sandahl Bergman, if you guys remember correctly, Sandahl Bergman was the actress who played Valeria, Conan’s romantic interest in Conan The Barbarian. She was actually offered the role of Red Sonja but turned it down because she didn’t want to be typecast as the goody little two shoes all the time. So, she got the role of Queen Gedren, the tyrant. How will the audience not recognize that the villain in this film was actually the same actress who played Valeria in Conan? Well, the filmmakers got Red Sonja to give Queen Gedren a scar on her face, so through out the whole film Queen Gedren wears a mask. The real reason for the mask is so we wont recognize Sandahl Bergman.

On to the movies themes. Red Sonja is commonly looked upon as a silly sword and sorcery movie, and you would be correct if you saw Red Sonja under that light. But it does have a hint of “meaning” to it if you look past its idiotic dialog. Number one is The Talisman device. This device, which is a green glowing sphere, has the power to create or destroy a world. Red Sonja was made during the mid 80s, a time when most Americans feared a nuclear holocaust. Everyone was afraid that the Americans and the Russians would collectively blow each other out existence with weapons of mass destruction. Hence, we get the Talisman device on Red Sonja which is actually referred to as a weapon in the film. So the film plays with that fear of complete annihilation. One of Queen Gedren’s own lackeys is constantly reminding her how The Talisman will soon be too powerful for her to control. How if they continue to use it “There will be no world!” But Gedren, being the power hungry tyrant that she is doesn’t give a damn. So there’s a hint of a theme in this movie after all. But it aint much. There is the whole them of rape. Sonja hates men because she was raped, but through her adventures, side by side with Kalidor, she learns that not all men are evil. She soon learns to leave the past behind, and let some love come into her life.

Last words about Red Sonja. I don’t think this movie is all that bad. Yeah, it has some bad dialog. Yeah Arnold considers it to be the lowest point in his career. Yeah it has two main actors who can’t speak English very well (Arnold is from Austria while Nielsen is from Denmark) and yeah the story is silly as hell, but it’s still a fun movie in my book. The dialog is laugh inducing, and the acting? Well, let’s just say that I agree with Arnold. Both actors were delivering their lines in the most robotic way possible! The ending in which Conan (I mean Kalidor!) finally conquers Red Sonja and manages to give her a kiss, it is the coldest most unnatural kiss you are apt to see on any movie! I mean, you could tell these two didn’t want to kiss at all. But whatever, its still in a way part of the whole Conan Universe, and it does have cool looking sets. Speaking of expensive looking sets, it boggles the mind how producers spent so much money on Red Sonja when it had such a horrible script. Millions spent on this? Damn. But, I guess Hollywood has never had a problem  spending millions. They are currently spending more of those millions right now making a new Conan film. Hopefully it will be good (I’m crossing my fingers here) and hopefully it will reignite interest in the Conan Universe. We just might see that proposed Red Sonja feature with Rose McGowan as Red Sonja and Robert Rodriguez directing/producing. Maybe then we will get a Red Sonja movie that doesn’t have to be looked upon as a guilty pleasure.

Rating: 3 out of 5

Posters for the upcoming Conan remake and the proposed Red Sonja remake