Alice wears a paper sheet in Resident Evil 5: Retribution (2012)

One of the things I really love about some of these Resident Evil films is that they just can't stop showing Alice waking up all the time. There's just something magical about watching a woman sleep, one of my personal favorite hobbies I thought you should know, and when she wakes up and doesn't scream, well. Oh, and what makes it so great is that whenever she wakes up, man does she look fucking sexy! In this scene she's wearing a paper sheet. Two paper sheets actually, and what appears to be scotch tape. Enjoy.

I love the use of the Umbrella logo throughout these films.

I also had a great time getting these screenshots. Though it is a long and arduous process.

This scene in particular had a really soft focus that I'm not much of a fan of.

Alice's happy suburban life in Resident Evil 5: Retribution (2012)

Wake up... time to die!

What a magnificent intro, don't you think? It's got all the elements that I love about these films:

Milla Jovovich. Milla Jovovich's beautiful eyes. Milla Jovovich's beautiful face.

Milla Jovovich in her beautiful panties.

Milla Jovovich looking into a mirror. Milla Jovovich looking absolutely horrified.

Milla Jovovich looking incredibly hot and sexy while screaming.

Say what you will about these films, but director W. S. really made his three films in this series look awesome.

Not to mention you gotta love mind-fuck intros.

Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)

Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)

RE: Retribution starts off with an explosive action scene that occurs just after the post-credit sequence from the last film... only it's played backwards, in super slow motion, and in 3-D while the credits appear on screen. Not only does this intro look downright incredible, but it's also pretty damn sweet and left me with a big stupid grin on my face. Unfortunately, from there it goes into some pop-up "split screen" type narrative introduction from Alice recapping the events from the entire series. After learning about the previous four films wasting the audience's time for about a minute or two, we get to see that reversed scene now in its original fast paced form. It goes by pretty quick on the second time around, but it's cool to see it all play out after you've seen it so slowly deconstructed. 

The look of Retribution is a wondrous vision to behold, much like its predecessor Afterlife. And herein lies the film's main strength. It is beautiful! So much of this movie, from the very first frames to the final shot are composed extremely well, shot magnificently and are very visually interesting - captivating, even. The mix of the elegant set designs of the Umbrella Corporation building and the holographic "Levels" throughout the story (and not to mention all the weird shit that goes on) give the whole film a really psychedelic vibe which I totally dig. Half way through, the thought of dropping a few tabs before I came to see this seemed both a dangerous and delightful idea. The majority of this film was obviously storyboarded with utmost importance and followed through with a passion.

Unfortunately (hey there's that word again), the film goes into quite a few lengthy shootout scenes where nearly nobody of importance is ever hit. Only faceless drones get shot to shit, over and over, while cutting repeatedly back and forth to our main characters popping off a few... and it gets boring. Those are the only boring moments of the film thankfully. And at least during one of these dreadfully overlong and choppily edited scenes, Barry Burton (Kevin Durand) gets a major scene that was just good enough to make his very underused character memorable. I wish I could say the same about Leon S. Kennedy (Johann Urb), who's only shining moment in this whole film is putting his hand on Ada's thigh on the helicopter ride home and getting rejected. What the fuck is that? 

That Ada Wong (Bingbing li) is one sexy ass bitch too I'll tell you that much. Her character, from the personality to the dialogue to the clothing and the poses, are so dead on; and Bingbing is so remarkably beautiful that there's no doubt this character will be welcomed by fans of the game. Ada is one of the big three characters here in the film, the other two being Alice (Milla Jovovich) of course, and Jill Valentine (Sienna Guillory). Jill Valentine, with her dyed blonde hair, skin-tight blue outfit and spider-like mind control device just above her luscious boobs (her outfit from the RE:5 Game) has always been one of my favorite designs (so hot!) and Sienna just works it and provides maximum fan service. Her robotic like dialogue and near T-X like stature adds that much more un-guilty pleasure to it all.

Alice is naturally the star of the show, and if you're in lust with Milla like I am, then you sure are in for a treat with this sequel. I love the long and lingering close-ups she's constantly getting, and when the camera smothers (or dry-humps) her. Nearly every shot of her is very voyeuristic and had my eyes glued to the screen... not to mention other things glued elsewhere. And of course, who doesn't like to see her kicking some serious ass!? After experiencing the outbreak in Japan and fleeing into an Umbrella hallway, she has a long "Oldboy-esque" battle against a shitload of zombies (including Patient Zero aka J-Pop Girl (Mika Nakashima) and another zombie hottie) much of it in slow motion with 3-D splattering brain effects to the maximum. It's all very palm-sweat inducing, somewhat laughable, really fun and just totally nuts. 

Alice and Ada also get a two on two against a pair of Axemen (Executioners) while on a walkthrough in New York City. There's a ton of chaos here with buses getting chopped to pieces, cars flying, gratuitous near deaths while dodging vicious blows and tons of head-shots that do absolutely nothing to these fuckers! While the shortest of the four main battles in the film, it's always exciting to see these huge monsters swinging those axes and getting thrashed by two hot chicks. I do however prefer the Axeman battle from Afterlife to this one (There's just something about seeing Ali Larter and Milla gettin' all wet and in slow-mo!). A massive Licker shows up a short while after this proceeds to relentlessly terrorize every single protagonist here, doing a fuckload of damage and bloodying things up. These things freak even me out, and if you ever play the games and encounter them, they'll freak you out too.

Retribution feels more like a video game than any of the previous films, and I really like that. A lot of the dialogue is pretty bad and video game-like (mostly Jill Valentine for instance, as well as a lot of puns) but it adds to the charm of it all. And of course the ending just has to feature a long and sultry battle between Alice and Jill, both of them looking seriously hot in their skin tight outfits. That's just the way it is with a movie like this, and always justifies my laying down the cash to see this on the big screen in 3-D (kinda like Underworld). One sour point for me was Albert Wesker (Shawn Roberts, hamming it up to the eleventh degree) in this one. Though, I wasn't totally convinced by his 'from game to screen' character in Afterlife, his 360 here (albeit done with personal gain heavily looming - think when Megatron joins forces with Optimus Prime for five minutes) is a bit unnearving and it's just plain weird to see himself, Alice, Jill, Leon and Ada all standing together. Very weird.

So should you go and see Resident Evil: Retribution? Let's examine the following two questions: Do you enjoy seeing Milla Jovovich almost completely naked? Or does seeing Milla Jovovich almost completely naked drive you insane and fill your heart with disgust? It's as simple as that. Almost isn't good enough, I know... but I say go see it. If you've seen all the previous films, and even if you "don't like them", you owe it to yourself to see this from a completest's point anyhow. Characters will be bastardized, these are always the facts, and fans of Leon will no doubt be disgusted by his representation in this film. Fans of Ada, Jill and even to a smaller degree, Barry, will leave extremely happy. Wesker fans, I'm not so sure either way. But if you've loved the character of Project: Alice from her conception, then you'll of course crave more!

Oh yeah, and Michelle Rodriguez was in this too.

Faces in the Crowd (2011) / Texas Killing Fields (2011)

Faces in the Crowd (2011)

Starring: Milla Jovovich and Julian McMahon.

In the 2011 film Faces in the Crowd, Milla Jovovich plays a really hot elementary school teacher by the name of Anna, who becomes the newest obsession of a crazed maniac after she accidentally stumbles upon him raping a dead woman in a back alleyway during a two-in-the-morning venture home from a girl's night out where her two seemingly stupider friends were smart enough to catch a Taxi or a ride to the Crab Shack.

Her friends may be dumb as all hell, and not to mention craving-that-cock slutty too, but at least they have enough sense not to walk home through dangerous streets (and yet, not sober enough to persuade their good friend not to do so) with no lights, in the middle of the night, and with a necro-rapist on the loose. But of course the hottest chick out of the crowd decides to go for a stroll and just happens to come across our mysterious killer, fucking the freshly slashed corpse of a cute young lady while he cries like a little bitch!

If that last statement starts to chill you after a couple of moment's consideration, don't be alarmed. The feeling of intense and crushing sexual terror at the concept indicates only that you are still insane.

Then her cellphone goes off! Dur. The chase gives way, he slices her up a bit and she stumbles backwards over the peer, smashing the back of her head on some sort of plank before going blank in the water and awakening in the hospital. After she awakens she can't recognize anyone's face... but it's not just that, the faces of everyone she knows change every time she looks away from them. So naturally she freaks out on everyone who's ever loved her and fucks the first guy who's face doesn't change every time she sees him. Or does it?! 

Things I liked: First off, Milla Jovovich. She's the only reason this movie is even worth watching. I liked the concept of the film, how they used different actors for the husband each time she woke up (weird shit like that I always get a kick out of), and the tone of the film was pretty good.

Things I didn't: This movie is basically a TV Crime drama show extended cut that gets slower as it goes along, and in the end the killer reveal is pretty weak. This isn't anything special aside from some of the cool moments and interesting thoughts behind them. It doesn't even seem that the producers of this film cared too much about anything judging by the two different posters for the film (one of them has a photo of Milla from Resident Evil superimposed over a broken mirror). There also seemed to be quite a few instances of shoddy CGI scattered about.

Texas Killing Fields (2011)

Starring: Sam Worthington, Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Chloë Grace Moretz and Corie Berkemeyer.

Two homicide detectives and a NYC cop in a not so lovely triangle are teamed up to find out just who has been murdering all the cute young ladies in some rundown shithole of a town. Following their instincts and clues, they're led all over the damn place and do a pretty damn good job of getting nowhere fast while more and more dead girl bodies keep piling up in the swamp.

Is there a serial killer on the loose? Or does this all have to do with a small town prostitution ring run by a family of black folk who are led (by choice?) by a heavily tattooed, swastika-on-the-neck sporting white guy who's gangster as fuck? Perhaps a more important question, you'll ask yourself while watching this movie, is 'why should I even care?' Is it because a young girl with frizzy hair and an addiction to milk of magnesia (she even drinks it out of brown paper bags like it's Tenafly Viper or some shit) somehow gets caught in the crossfire of these violent, sexually addicted fiends!? Well, I guess that's a good enough reason if any.

Things I liked: I rented this because basically I've liked everything Jeffrey Dean Morgan has done, I mean, the dude is just awesomeness personified. As an added bonus, Moretz plays the frazzled haired girl who for whatever reason (maybe she's the last cherry in the backwoods - but I doubt it by the looks of things, and the way she maintains distance from certain men in the film while delivering freakishly awkward stares) becomes the object of play here.

Jason Clarke (who also played the private investigator in Trust_) is in this as the über-tattooed thug and child abductor named Rule. His character in this movie is perhaps the most entertaining aspect out of everything presented here, not that there's all that much to compete with. But anytime this guy is onscreen the movie felt entertaining, and he shows up so periodically that every time I felt like taking the disc out of the player I ended up not doing so.

The Meh! Factor: This is a pretty forgettable crime drama that plays out (much like the film above) like a TV cop show, only there's not a drop of humor, deadpan or otherwise to be had here. It's also very disjointed! This shit is all over the place, and a lot of the time it bounces from scene to scene and location to location without a clarification of what's going on or what the motivation is. The script isn't all too great and most of the acting is stilted and unnatural. Aside from Jason Clarke, and somewhat from Dean Morgan (even though he hams it up pretty good here) and Berkemeyer, it really seems as if nobody was trying all too hard to keep this movie from just feeling dull and lifeless. It's a pretty mundane affair, and the color scheme to the whole film doesn't help any either. At least the girl in this first screenshot gives it her all with a stunningly accurate Sam Worthington impression:

Milla Jovovich... Stalked and Slashed!

Let's start off the way I usually like to do things and that's with this pretty lady putting make-up on in the bathroom mirror. Hmm. Just typing that out makes me feel like a weird motherfucker... but you know what? I kinda like that feeling.

I can't be alone in these feelings as I see movies all the time where a girl looks herself over and puts on make-up, pampers herself and shaves various places, or puts her hair up while topless... or even does some amateur cheerleader performances before going at it in a 69 on a stairway. What I'm saying is women are beautiful creatures meant to be stalked admired.

It's as if every little thing they do has a power of its own over me.

She's so pretty! She smells so good! And the way she blatantly ignores me...

It sure is frustrating being so powerless towards this object of my desire.

What's a man to do, in this day and age, to get a little attention from a girl he so doth admire!?

Something unspeakable, perhaps? Yes... oh, oh yes. Indeed.

I'd rather hold hands.

But I'm a hopeless romantic in that sense. Heh.