He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special (1985)

He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special (1985)

The He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special is the biggest pile of horse shit that I've ever seen in my miserable life... or at least when it comes to the MoTU series, and probably even the shittiest out of every animated Christmas special ever made. Not only does this forty-five minute cartoon have no redeeming qualities at all, but it's in fact fully capable of pissing off even the most tolerable of He-Man fans. After all, there's only so much fond remembrance that the toy-line can bring. Let's face the facts here, He-Man is a pretty "silly" show and it hasn't exactly aged well. To call it "silly" might even be an understatement, as some of it is just downright fucking stupid. It's bad enough that Prince Adam wore a lot of pink and strutted around in tights all the time with those frilly bangs, but did he have to be such a fucking idiot all the time too?!

Even though most shows like He-Man, Transformers, G.I.Joe and Thundercats have had stupid moments and horrendous episodes, He-Man is by far the worst offender when it comes to unbridled stupidity and cheesiness. Thundercats has really maintained a maturity and intellect, though Lion-O is just a naive kid in The Rock's body so there's a lot of cause for dumb moments, but that's part of the story line. Transformers may get pretty lame at times, but it's mostly robots fighting and cool looking cars and planes speeding, so you can forgive that easily. G.I.Joe was over the top, but man was it a smart show with a lot of crazy shit going on. But He-Man, that shit was just lazy as all fuck. They used the same shots over and over in every single episode, and most of the dialogue sounds like it was written by a monkey jerking off.

Like I said, most of the other cartoons has so many redeeming qualities that the little things could be easily forgiven... but I'll tell you what can't be forgiven easily: This mind-numbingly horrid spoon-fed shit-stew of crap! So the story goes like this: Orko hijacks a space cruiser just for fun and because he's a dumbass (I guess he does this kind of shit all the time since he's comic relief) and because of something the ship crash lands on Earth. He finds some children roaming through the snowy forest area nearby and decides to befriend them. He should have just let them eat those poisonous berries they were picking. Meanwhile, Man-At-Arms sends Princess Adora off to some weird ass mermaid planet where these pointless, not-really-transforming, pretty dumb looking, hot-girl-enslaving robots called the Monstroids do a lot of nothing and then get their metal asses handed to them. 

We're then treated to the boy and his little sister(?) telling Orko the story of Chris... oh wait, no, they just cut back to them after all that so-called action and the kid says "...and that's the story of Christmas!" Wow. Talk about cheap. Which brings me to how little actual "Christmas" stuff is in this special. They played it safe alright. So safe in fact that I'm surprised they even mentioned half of the shit that they did. Anyways, the Princess has some lesbian sex with one of these hot as all fuck mermaid wenches and then steals her glowing crystal of power that has the power to do something or other concerning the ship that Orko crashed somewhere. It all ends up with them beaming him, the ship and the kids (you know, for some added excitement) back to the planet of Eternia. Orko goes all orko and convinces all the responsible gods of the kingdom to keep the kids for a while so they can tell everyone about this thing called Christmas. One of She-Ra's man-buddies and a chick named Perfuma sing a song with the two kids that is so delightfully horrid, it'll make you want to go out an buy a Foo Fighters album just to get the pain out of your brain.

I blacked out right around this point, and really, it's a bit of a blur... but I'll try to make sense of it, even though, believe me, there's not much sense to make. Skeletor was of course at the time doing something evil and sinister, plotting to wreck something or take over the kingdom, and just fucking around per usual. Something happened on another planet(?) with these things called the Manchines, which are like these little super-fucking-gay cute species of weaklings that need to be obliterated as soon as now. I remember drifting in and out of consciousness and that it sucked. Oh man did it suck balls! So Skeletor ends up kidnapping the kids from their kidnappers somehow and takes them on some LoTR-esque type journey through the snow covered mountains of madness to his rape-cave. Why he didn't use his astro-glider or his rescue peeps I don't know why, can't remember, but Skeletor shouldn't be walking to his own fortress. Where the hell are his cock-sucking minions anyways?

Look at this shit! Would you just Look at it!?

Suddenly, a Wild Snow Beast appears. "I don't know what's happening to me, but I must save the children!" Wait, what the fuck? Did Skeletor just say that? Yes, he did, and on top of that, he busts some chill ass moves and that Snow Beast drops like a 12 year old girl at a Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1 premiere. The kids keep calling him nice after that and he pretends not to like it. "Listen, I'm not nice and kind and I'm not wonderful!" Sure buddy. The kids start talking to Skeletor, pleading and saying shit like "Please Mister, we're cold." Skeletor is having none of it, but wait... what's this...? Something is happening to the blue-skinned, buff-ass grinch with the face of skull. He magically produces and gives the kids winter coats, and then on top of that, carries the little crying Manchine puppy so it doesn't get cold. What in the fuck! What's he going to do next, start baking cookies and help them decorate a stupid tree!?

Fuck you Rick Berman! Out of nowhere The Evil Hordak shows up in a huge, dick shape helicopter to save the day. And it's about fuckin' time too. I can't take this shit no mo.

The Evil Hordak of course is a complete badass here and just one bad motherfucker who couldn't give one single shit-lump of coal about whatever this Christmas is or these little bastard kids. As always (since the dawn of the 80's cartoon age) when a new villain is introduced into a cartoon and then there are two main villains, we all know that one of them must go out looking like a bitch. If "Never Back Down" and "Michael Bay" ever taught me anything, it's that. Remember The Mighty Megatron bowing down to that punk son of a fuck The Fallen? Calling him "master" and all that bullshit? Yeah, it made me want to lay ass bricks. That's pretty much the deal with Skeletor here. He's reduced to looking like a total dickwad. It's not bad enough that 80's cartoon villain leaders had to always yell "retreat!" and "you got me this time" and shit like that, but now this fuckin' guy is sucking alien puppy dick and camping out with little kids. It's sickening.

There's hardly any Christmas stuff in this show, it's all about peace and caring and happiness. That's not what Christmas is all about! ...It's about presents! Dur. He-Man does dress up like Santa though, and it looks stupid as shit too. Skeletor even says things like "Thank goodness this Christmas only comes once a year, because I don't like feeling this way." It's horrendous. I don't know if these kids are boys or girls, or if one is a boy and one is a girl or they're both just non-gendered or what the fuck is going on. It's really ambiguous. The episode is filled with nothing but totally lame puns. Every action that occurs is stated out loud while it happens and the reasoning behind why it's happening as well. It's very mind-numbing. I feel even stupider than I usually do after watching this kid shlock. Final Thoughts: This was some bitch ass shit I'll tell you what! Skeletor ain't no caring, nurturing, puppy-dog cuddling, warm and fuzzy lover of some genderless punk kids.

Nightmare Before Christmas Coffin-Shaped Playing Cards

Hey! Check out this set of Nightmare Before Christmas Coffin-Shaped Playing Cards that just came in the mail from the Disney Rewards Club. I had about 775 points from joining their movie club a while back and while they don't really have a lot of things in the rewards that I'm particularly fond of, I did see this and said to myself (something along the lines of) "Oh fuck yea!"

It's a perfect mix of three things that I absolutely love:

Tim Burton's stop motion animated film, Playing cards, and that traditional old-school Coffin shape.

It comes with a shitty little dry-erase score board and a pen that will probably dry up in a day or two...
yeah, but the cards come in this coffin shaped semi-hard plastic case that the cards fit in and it's great.

Are you watching Transformers: Prime - Season 2?

I sure as hell am! Today is "Transformers MEGA SATURDAY" on the Hub, so check your local listings if you're ready for the Season 2 Premier of Transformers: Prime, at 8:30pm Eastern Time, so drop off an hour or three depending on where you are if in the US. The hub will also being showing the Animated Movie (for those of you who don't own it already) as well as some episodes of Transformers: Rescue Bots. I'll be skipping that kiddy shit however. Here's a few previews from this upcoming episode entitled: "Orion Pax".

Teaser:

Promo:

Promo 2 (very good promo, but lesser quality):

And, a 12 Minute first look:

Oh and don't forget that Transformers: Prime - Season 1 just came out on Blu-Ray.

I'll be picking that up sometime soon.

Vampire Beavis!?

This isn't actually Vampire Beavis, but what the fuck that's just how the drawing came out. Done with Pencil, Paper, Colored Pencil and for the first time in a long, long, long fucking time, I shed some blood for this one. I found it worthy, I guess. Hah. Bloodshed is always cool, hehehehhehehe...

Fright Niiiiiggggghhhhhhhtttttttt! "Oh you're so cool Butthead!"

Garfield's Halloween Adventure (1985)

I've always loved Garfield's Halloween Adventure. Since I was a child, I would watch it each year and even then I had it recorded off of the tele onto a blank VHS so I could watch it whenever I wanted. Story of my life I guess. I still long for the day when I can see "The Little Troll Prince" or "The Nutcracker Fantasy" again, remastered and actually released in the US. One's a semi-controversial (whomever you may ask) Christmas tale and the other, a f'n whacked out Japanese stop-motion work that must be seen, yet not so much believed. I grew up on all three of these, amongst many many others. Perhaps I'll speak of those someday, but for now, let's talk about Garfield's Candy day. First off, I love the introduction to the whole thing.

It's so perfect. It starts off soft with birds chirping outside and slowly pans then zooms through the window to where Garfield is sleeping in his box in front of the television (of course). The broadcast is off the air and he's snug as a bug, when suddenly there's transmission and Binky The Clown screams like a fuckin' madman and startles Garfield into awakeness. It's happened to the best of us. Way back when, I fell asleep on my chair when the station I was previously watching tuned off at 3AM, only instead of a clown screaming it was loud, dream shattering static! What I like about this beginning scene is the pause that's given before Garfield jumps up and yells. It's really weird but totally works. Not only is his yelp funny, but also the look on his face as he's doing those jumping jacks. It's all funny as hell, and even though that's regular Garfield, a weirder tone is being set. After some pre-Halloween morning fun with Jon and Odie, Cat and Dog head to the dark recesses of the house to search for their night's clothing.

This is probably the most memorable scene for all the aging kids out there. I have never in my life forgotten this song... and trust me when I say that I've forgotten a lot of things from my youth. In fact, I took some time a while back to analyse my youth and came to a conclusion that I wasn't as innocent as I had previously thought. I was a little fucker! It was pretty sweet. Exciting for a twelve year old kid sneaking out at three in the morning doing whatever. When I was young I would always be asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" And I was like, "A junkie!" Nobody ever says they want to be a junkie when they grow up. Unfortunately, that never came true. My real answer was "I don't know." Everyone else knew, or supposedly did, or thought that they did. Some people may. I'm sure a few people on this planet have followed their dreams and quote unquote "walked on the moon." But I never could figure it out. Maybe because there's so many things to be, or maybe because I've always been so empty inside. I still don't know what I want to be, and I don't even know what I am now. My ambition has dropped drastically each year from the time I could remember being alive. I had potential, still do. I'm a magnificent motherfucker who rocks out with my catbox out. So what should I be? Is it worth it to be anything? Why bother. I'd rather just sleep all day and eat lasagna when I get up. Here's the song:

"Eureka! The motherload. Look at all this great stuff Odie. With these costumes we can be... anything we want!

What should I be? There's so many sides to me.

I could be Handsome or Brave. A King or a Slave.

It's all up to me. So what should I be?

What could I be? What should I be?

I could be a Scary Vampire...

And turn myself into a Bat. (FLAP! FLAP!)

Or I could put on some black pajamas.

And go as a big fat Halloween Cat.

What should I be?

There's so many sides to me.

I could be an Astronaut,

A Robot, A Hobo, A Clown

Or an Alien Creature going out on the town!

What should I be? It's all up to me.

What should I be... Let's go!"

So eventually Garfield and Odie go Trick-R-Treating and they sing a few more songs along the way. It's all good viewing and great fun. There's the usual abundance of dry wit and it is all very funny. They take a stroll around town through the safer part of the neighborhood (or so it seems), but Garfield is fiending for more of that CandyCandyCandyCandyCandy so he decides that the two should rowboat over the lake to a strange looking house. Perhaps it's filled with candy? My initial guess would be no. Doesn't really seem like the smartest idea, and Garfield soon discovers this and laments. Fortunately for us though, they make it across and enter what doesn't seem like the spookiest house one you take a look inside. Of course, you can't see who's sitting in that big chair from the back and when the two take some time to warm up by the fireplace, Garfield can't help but take a look back. And cue: Shit just got real! Holy Fuck look at that creepy lookin' dude! I'd shit a brick too, fuck, I'd shit two bricks.

So Uncle Goddamn there lays a story on them so intense that before he gets out his second sentence Garfield is saying adios.  To his credit though, the first thing that guy said was something along the lines of "Tonight will be the most horrific and gruesome night you will ever experience." If I were Garfield I'd split too... or at least hope that this sick bastard likes raping dogs instead of cats. Seriously, look at that guy. I bet he does nothing in his cartoon life but eat fluffernutter sandwiches, beat off and brutally violate small wandering animals. Oh, so he tells them this story about 100 year old pirate ghosts that will be arriving in exactly one minute at midnight for their buried treasure. It's a good thing those weren't them gold foil covered chocolate coins, he'd probably woulda eaten em all. While beating off. So he freaks G and O so bad that he distracts them and then fuckin' steals their rowboat! This guy is slicker than jizz, let me tell you. But seriously, he freaked me the hell out when I was younger. Yeah, and he still does too.

Sadly the pirate ghosts don't really stay too long, which sucks because they're totally badass! All chalky and shit. But it was all really well done, and the tone of the whole episode was maintained in its spookiness. I would have liked to see more of the ghosts since they look so damn cool, but it was only remotely built up and the middle of the episode wandered into song territory so whatever. I'm not saying it got slow, since it's all entertaining, but I guess when you've got something great it's better not to exploit it until you don't care anymore. The pirate ghosts are rare here and that makes them even more special. The music for their scene is great too. Really tweaked out and trippy.

If you're strapped for cash from buying all the dope and beer, watch it free right here:

Garfield's Halloween Adventure Part 1/3

Garfield's Halloween Adventure Part 2/3

Garfield's Halloween Adventure Part 3/3

"I've had nightmares that look like birthday parties compared to tonight." Well Garfield, I'll 1-UP ya. I've had birthday parties that were absolute nightmares. And that was before I even started drinking Absolut. Somebody stop me here, I'm gonna explode. If you even care (people who read this), sorry about the lack of posts this month, I've been uhh... lazy, hitting the pub, unfocused, eating lasagna, sleeping. You name some unproductive shit, I've been doing it. But I really wanted to post this even though it took me about nine days to do so. Because I feel that it's important to revisit those films and specials and cartoons that made you happy when you didn't have something in your life that destroyed it all. Like work and chicks for instance, the endless cycle, earn money burn money. Garfield knows what I'm talkin' about right? No, he's sleeping.  Odie knows. He's the dumbass of the group. Always blowing his load of cash on all the bitches.

En.d

Are you watching Transformers: Prime?!

If you're not watching the new CG Animated series Transformers: Prime, then I've got a few words that may catch you by surprise:

Zombies. Do I have your attention? Robot Zombies! Muahahhahahaa! Yessss...

I was skeptical at first upon seeing the sleek yet very strange character designs. It's movie-verse meets the last cartoon series TF: Animated. The result? I'm really, really liking it. And I don't know why for sure. The movies sure as hell piss me off with characters that look indistinguishable junk piles and the Animated cartoon was a bit too kiddie for me. But it seems as if the very best aspects from both programs, as well as past history, have been fused together to form something special this time. (Welker and Cullen are back together once again performing their original voice roles for Megatron and Optimus Prime. Nutbust?)

The third episode aired today, and will air once more tomorrow at 6pm ET followed by episode 4. Then again the next day with 4 and then the last part of the mini-series. *UPDATE* All five episodes have been uploaded on the Hub website! Check it out.

Transformers: Prime - Darkness Rising Part 1
Transformers: Prime - Darkness Rising Part 2
Transformers: Prime - Darkness Rising Part 3
Transformers: Prime - Darkness Rising Part 4
Transformers: Prime - Darkness Rising Part 5

I suggest that you check it out. I haven't at all been interested in a Transformers cartoon since Beast Wars ended. Even when that show began, I was anti their new direction. Animals?! That's bullshit I said to myself. It wasn't until I blazed one boring afternoon and caught the Season 2 episode Bad Spark which introduced the Psychotic monster of a bot Protoform X, also known as Rampage! Soon I caught all episodes and the whole series, and it became my very favorite aside from the original film. Since then, the new TF cartoons (and not to mention the films) have ranged from "I want to kill the guy who did this!" to "Watching this makes me want to kill myself!" The only in between being "Meh!" and "I guess I'll watch this whenever it comes on..."

So far what I had considered to be potential flaws have not been that bad. One which worried me were the fact that there are "drones" in this. There's nothing worse than nameless faceless bots in a Transformers series. [Rant] Bob Skir tried to bring that shit in when he did Beast Machines, and don't get me started on that big fucking pile of crap. It's bad enough that he brought plant life and hippies to a Metal world (do induce vomiting), but he damn near tied score with that horrid crime by making the first season of that forsaken show boring as all fuck with nothing but non-transforming bastard versions of beloved characters chasing or being chased by identical drones! It's no wonder nerds all over the country were breaking out their homemade sniper rifles and sent multiple death threats to the guy, causing him to cancel his appearance at Botcon that year. It would have been his disappearance, had he shown... from what I was told. [/Rant] The drones aren't horrible this time around. They look cool and they're strong and they speak... and for now they're not overused. Let's hope things stay that way. Or they develop some personality. I'm hoping some of the Robot Zombies develop personality and [Bay]Shit Gets Real![/Bay]

The introduction of Darkness Rising Part 2 between Megatron and Starscream really caught my interest and I can tell from part 3 today, that I will be enjoying this series. There's so much potential. Let us pray to the dark lord that they don't muck it up.

Did I mention that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson voices CliffJumper?

If nothing I said here affects you, there's no denying that The Rock is totally badass. You candy asses!

Year In Review: 2009 Cinema Viewings

The first time I can ever remember going out to the movies was in 1989, to see Batman. I was only eight years old when my mother took me and my friend to see it. I was amped up on fuckin' candy and soda, had a pocket full of Garbage Pail Kids and Batman cards and was screaming Pee-Wee Style like a little idiot! When I think back on that day, I remember knowing that the movie was going to rock even before I saw it... but I was NOT however, expecting to piss my freakin' pants as the Joker joy-buzzered that son of a bitch and left his greasy, smoking skeleton in that suit and tie! That shit scared the crap out of me. No joke. F'n warped my brain, maaannn!

After that and throughout my teen years I would hit the Cineplexes, Drive-In and the Local One-Screen sporadically. It wasn't until around 2000 when I started going more and more, and around 2006 when it started becoming more than a hobby. After last year, I found that I had become addicted... and while I haven't really sat down and figured it all out, I know I'm going to go less this time around. In 2009 (click HERE later for my DVDAF listing), I kind of went off with my trips to the cinemas. By that I mean, I probably made about 69 or 70 showings. My 2008 could be somewhere around 44 showings. Why did I go that much? Aside from the fact that I feel really "at home" and excited in that dark place, there are a couple reasons and they're probably reasonably normal. I either, wanted to see the film, was bored and just went to see one, or was taken to one (which I didn't exactly want to see).

I was more than reluctant to see Hotel For Dogs, not that I have anything against Hotels... well, now that I think of it. Nah, you know what, Hotels and Dogs can both go to hell. But what was I going to do? Then there's The Proposal and The Ugly Truth, way to tarnish a good enough list but I guess sometimes it's ok to shut the old brain down for a while. All that drama aside, I had a lot of fun times, and I got lucky this year in that I got to see some of my absolute favorite films on the big screen (in a room full of weirdos, students, druggies and aging hipsters). Dario Argento's Suspiria, Wes Craven's Nightmare On Elm Street, Roman Polanski's Repulsion, Stanley Kubrick's The Shining, OMFS... let's check the stats on some of the horror classics:

Alien (1979)

Evil Dead 2: Dead By Dawn (1987)

Friday the 13th (Alternate Version) (1980)

Gremlins (1984)

My Bloody Valentine (Edited) (1981)

Nightmare on Elm Street, A (1984)

Repulsion (1965)

Shining, The (1980)

Suspiria (Edited 'X-Rated' UK Version) (1977)

Not too bad. Suspiria was a 'rare British Technicolor print' and looked f'n amazing! The level of detail, clarity and color was spot-on perfect... but when the heart stabbing was skipped over there was a bit of rage that I felt clouding up in my brain. I clenched my jaw in anger, but tried to not let it bother me. And I kept trying as a few shots of the dog chowing down on his master's neck and my favorite straight razor throat slicing were nowhere to be seen as well.

Of all the above movies, My Bloody Valentine faired the worst in terms of the print. The film was CUT to shit, drained of color and scratchier than usual... and I like scratchy. Not that I regret anything about it, seeing this double feature with Friday The 13th, on Friday, February 13th was pretty sweet. But after staying late for this midnight showing, myself and the few that remained seemed fairly disappointed. Especially after the packed house of hollering, screaming and stoned people who made F13 a blast.

Nightmare On Elm Street was nightmare come true to see, as it is one of my few rare Full Stars favorites. It was supposed to play with Ghostbusters, but something happened there and I think when they opened the canisters found Gremlins inside instead. Oh well. Evil Dead 2 on Halloween was rowdy as all hell and just fantastic atmosphere. People were going nuts and some of them had to be restrained, almost... they probably just smoked some more weed and calmed down. Alien is a classic in Space Horror and there's nothing wrong with checking out Ripley's tee shirt at the end.

The Shining, which was the first movie I went to see in 2009, is simply put, meant to be seen on the big screen. Until then, I had only ever seen The Shining on home video, on small televisions. The cinematography inside that hotel and how Kubrik handles it is masterful. It was a whole new experience for me, and now that I've got my Home Cinema set up (minus extravagant sound system - sigh), I'm hoping to check it out again soon… The same as I will when I grab Repulsion on BluRay. Polanski's film is intoxicating and really got inside my head... it's high on my list of best films ever made. Next time you find a few hundred bucks in your wallet, I say go out and pick up the Criterion BD.

Friday the 13th (2009) (x2)

Jennifer's Body (2009)

Let the Right One In (2008)

My Bloody Valentine (3-D Version) (2009)

Orphan (2009)

Trick 'r Treat (2008)

Zombieland (2009) (x2)

Let the new horror classics come to pass! Let me start off by saying that I've seen quite a few 3-D films in the last two years at the Cinema, and NONE OF THEM can match the 3-D that My Bloody Valentine pulled off. I don't mind subtle 3-D, but I am not anti-gimmick shots. MBV was filled with sick ass slick shots that were right in your f'n face... case in point, that shotgun wielding old-dude with the sinister laugh. I could see that shotgun floating over the first fifteen rows, and it was killer! (How anyone could glorify Cameron like he f'n invented 3-D with Avatar need to get their damn heads checked. And anyways, there was hardly any of it going on with his movie... weak, at best). Oh, and not only did MBV wow me on the visuals but the movie was just f'n great, taking a pickaxe to the original with a furious vengeance.

Got to see two more that people all over the net were raving about, and after viewing them, I know now why. Trick 'R Treat and Let The Right one In... Both of these are instant classics and just so beyond greatness that it's almost scary. While the top grossing movie ever at the moment is giving people post-traumatic depression disorders (bullshit), these two movies which crush it by all means, are making people feel goooooood. Good like they smoked a fatty and drank all their dad's beer.

I dig the new Friday film. The intro was awesomeness, the nudity was total sweetness and I mean, who doesn't dig underground tunnels? Best damn "let's see them titties again" under the dock death ever created, and Jason even checks out his new mask in the mirror. Vanity? You bet your ass! A month after seeing this I snuck in and saw it again after seeing Taken. I just had to do it, it was too crusty and I needed to see it once more.

Zombieland is one that I didn't think would be too good, and while there's something about it that's a bit empty, it surpassed my expectations. That slow motion For Whom The Bell Tolls intro definitely didn't hurt... and neither did the biggest scare moment of my f'n life when they showed that clown creeping under the bathroom's stall door! Shocked the hell out of me, then left me laughing uncontrollably for ten minutes after to the point where I almost had to leave so other's could enjoy the rest.

A lot of people were talking shit about Orphan before they even saw it, but once they did, I guess most of them either changed their opinions or just shut up. I thought it kicked ass, and I didn't think it was going to. But things got Evil, Hot and even more Evil which you know I tend to enjoy.

Jennifer's Body is most definitely the best film of 2009. No doubt about it. Don't doubt me.

Best Worst Movie (2009)

Drag Me to Hell (2009)

Final Destination, The (3-D Version) (2009)

From Inside (2008)

H2 ( Halloween 2 ) (2009)

Last House on the Left, The (2009)

New Moon, The ( Twilight Saga ) (2009) (x2)

Paranormal Activity (2007)

Unborn, The (2009)

Uninvited, The (2009)

Best Worst Movie is Michael Stephenson's documentary on the film he starred in, Troll 2. It's an honest, intriguing, uplifting, sometimes saddening and fun film. He and star George Hardy were in attendance and talked a bit onstage afterwards. I've loved Troll 2 from the first time I saw it, probably around 1996. I think I may have rented it on VHS along with Bad Taste, hmm... and I'm definitely down with this whole T2 phenomenon that's going on with screenings and green food parties. It's badass.

The Final Destination in 3-D was pretty sweet for a movie featuring very uninteresting main characters. The 3-D was above average and from what I've seen, second best to MBV. That ‘Nascar’ destruction was particularly brutal and I smiled during every blood splattering second! Some of the film is laughable, and the whole pool sucking out the dude's insides scene had my eyes rolling in circles, I still liked it. Drag Me To Hell was also a fun little getaway from the horrors of living life. I don't think it was as good as others have said, but it does get up there on the average of other crap that's shoved down our gullets... not much unlike a fist elbow deep down our throats.

Kristen Stewart and Ashley Green are mad hot. Ashley's that kind of mad hot where you close your eyes in the shower and get soap stinging afterwards. New Moon's dream scene introduction was great, and one of the definite standout scenes. Apart from the hot, overflowing, teen Melodrama and depression there were some pretty funny scenes to balance it all out and make the film enjoyable overall. Overall that is, despite the horrible direction Chris Weitz brought. I don't mind them changing directors each film, but this guy is just bland as shit. Catherine Hardwicke delivered the absolute perfection in the way she framed and shot the first film. Weitz just doesn't make the cut with his simple style that couldn't be saved by his overrated CGI "expertise". Oh, and way too many shirtless dudes.

The Uninvited was a sleek and sexy remake of "A Tale of Two Sisters" which had me drooling over the three beautiful leads, Emily Browning, Arielle Kebbel and Liz Banks. That's just damn good casting right there, no doubt about. There were a lot of really nice touches like how nobody ever talks to Alex during the movie, but you won't really notice if you're not thinking about it. The Uninvited played through smoothly and didn't drop out like The Unborn did. Thanks are due, however, to that film's saving grace, Odette Yustman. She basically is the movie. Drop dead gorgeous she is, and I wouldn't have been able to give the film what little praise I do without her looking so f'n good in every shot.

Paranormal Activity was really slow and the two leads were rather annoying, but it was interesting to catch this in the Cinema with a whole load of superstitious people and scared middle aged women out for a thrill. All these comparisons to The Blair Witch Project obviously won't ever end, but while TBWP is perhaps the worst film ever made (!), Paranormal isn't nearly as bad as it could have been. But it's still only "ok" enough to get a passing grade from me.

Rob Zombie's H2 gave me a powerful migraine headache, and from a guy who never gets headaches, I knew it had to be something awful. The loud annoying beats, pounding drums, flickering lights and dark baron fields which Mikey slowly makes his way across left my brain in pain.

John Bergin's slow still-picture animated film From Inside nearly put me to death. Sorry dude. It was a great effort on his part, doing it all himself like that, but damn, man... it should have been a 30 minute short.

I can't remember the Last House remake, as I was OBLITERATED at time of viewing.

Bugs! A Rainforest Experience (3-D Version) (2003)

District 9 (2009)

Gamer (2009)

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Moon (2009)

NeverEnding Story, The (1984)

Race to Witch Mountain (2009)

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (IMAX) (2009)

Watchmen (IMAX) (2009) (x2,one Regular Cinema)

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

Starting to get further away from Horror, there's still some level of disturbing imagary to be had. I first saw Watchmen at the IMAX, and was blown away. It's visually stunning, sometimes overwhelming (in a good way), the music was dead correct (some may say controversial, I don't think so), the material was class, the direction was splendid, and the violence... sigh... half the general public, hell maybe even more, were not expecting Watchmen to be what it is. Those are the facts as I say them. People were Aghast at the meat cleaver to the skull. The silence during the near rape sequence was so quiet that you could start to hear the ‘uncomfortableness.’ I counted quite a few kids there, ages six up, heh. One woman brought her twelve year old daughter to see the movie. I watched them as they walked up the isle, before they sat somewhere behind me. When that rape scene hit, then the blue tube sock, and then the steamy hot Sex on the Blimp... I just couldn't help but try to picture the look on that woman's face.

The Rise of Cobra was non-stop turn your brain off pretty action and just proceded to kick major ass! While all the characters were pretty much ruined from their cartoon counterparts in some way or another, it really didn't stop this one from ruling teh schools. Baroness and Storm Shadow have always been my favorite two characters and they're in nearly every scene. I'm cool with that. The ending leaves open what could potentially fix a lot of the film's flaws (which there were quite a few character-wise) and be an even superior sequel. I hope it all goes down that way. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was a mishmash of me wanting to rip MY OWN face off, and me somewhat enjoying a bit of what I was seeing. The Decepticons get a lot more talking time, which isn't much and they're "fleshed out" a bit more... but I'm not a fan of The Fallen himself, nor am I of Megatron calling him "master". What the fuck is that? The IMAX scenes were awesome looking and the fight in the forest where SPOILERS Optimus Prime is brutally murdered by Megatron BOOYAH! was rather enjoyable. Soundwave with his tentacle rapishness on that satellite was hot too. But it could have been so much better! Michael Bay, I hope your films become stepping stones for much better and less ‘humany’ sequels, preferably made by someone else with a lot of money. Not James Cameron.

District 9 and Moon are both cool new worthy submissions to the Sci-Fi genre. They've both got some really creepy elements of terror, and are well made in design and graphics. Plus, Sam Rockwell is the man. Gamer is a decent Cyberpunk addition that is a lot more fun than it looks at first. Definitely check it out if you haven't yet, because there is some whacky-ass shit goin' on! Wolverine was cool for what it was, despite screwing around certain characters, but that's expected in any X-Men film, obviously. Hugh and Liev did bang-up jobs, and the rest of the cast was ok, but any of the film's wrongdoing can't be blamed on the supporting cast for after all it's the scriptwriter (and the people who gave his documents the OK) that's to blame. If Race to Witch Mountain was Rated R it would have been a hell of a lot better. The cast was good enough (love AnnaSophia Robb and Carla Gudino) and this may just be your last chance to see The Rock sporting testicles on film.

Did I mention that I got to see one of my very favorite films from my childhood years in a one day only showing? The NeverEnding Story! It's bloody brilliant. Some of the elements, mainly which this is a scary movie for kids, are now funnier than ever since we've grown older. For instance how Bastian talks to himself like a complete dork, or how all the characters seem a little bit gay. Especially that Luck Dragon, what the hell was up with that guy? Always grabbing Atreyu's butt cheeks and winking. Anyways, seeing this at the theatre marked a great f'n day in the year that was my 2009. And there weren't many, trust me.

9 (2009)

Avatar (3-D Version) (2009)

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (3-D Version) (2009)

Coraline (3-D Version) (2009)

Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)

G-Force (2-D Version) (2009)

Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs (3-D Version) (2009)

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (1966)

Looney Tunes: Hair-Raising Hare (1946)

Looney Tunes: Claws for Alarm (1954)

Looney Tunes: Water, Water Every Hare (1952) (x2)

Monsters vs. Aliens (IMAX) (2009)

Monsters Vs Aliens was bland, but looked pretty and Ginormica is cute for a Toon. But it was too kiddy for me, whereas Cloudy With A Chance was just so randomly funny, nerdish and weird that I couldn't help but feel good after seeing it. Coraline had a way darker tone and is a pretty f'n sweet stop motion animated film, despite the 3-D being for the most part subtle. 9 was dark as all hell, which is great, but could have used a little something to spice things up. Something seemed off, or uh, unfinished about it.

Ice Age: Dawn had only about two good characters, but wasn't a full on waste of time as there were some good parts here and there. Still, I'm no fan of those films. G-Force sucked major arse. Please, no more... and Avatar: Pocahontas meets Dances with Wolves on a Blue alien planet. I don't mind both of those films, and I even think Wolves is downright beautiful. But this guy in Avatar is no Kevin Costner, baby, let me tell you. And despite the money this movie raked in, I'm really not seeing what's so "revolutionary" about it. The 3-D, quite frankly, fuckin' stunk. And there were a lot of cliché type things going on story wise, total recycled business. The hair tip feeler / organic bonding mechanisms were just plain gross. I however did like the graphics, and the way spots of the trees would light up as they were walked upon. Nice touch. I don't want to start hating this film because of the press its getting, but it's all affecting me in a negative way to the point where it just may do so. Because I don't really dislike the film as it is now, but it's not at all powerful as people are trying to make it.

Fantastic Mr. Fox is pure visual brilliance on the other hand. It's a definite must own ones it comes out in the high def format. I always love it when stop motion animation hits the screen or gets public attention, as it's one of my favorite types of film to watch. While I'm only moderately into Wes Anderson, this was great no matter what. On Halloween, apart from seeing Trick 'R Treat and Evil Dead 2, I got a free showing of Charlie Brown's It's the Great Pumpkin and some Looney Tunes Halloween shorts. The Great Pumpkin is kind of boring, but clever as Peanuts always is, and Bugs Bunny is definitely fruity.

(500) Days of Summer (2009)

Adventureland (2009)

Brothers (2009)

Brüno (2009)

Gran Torino (2008)

Greatest Places, The (IMAX 180° OMNIDOME Version) (1998)

Hangover, The (2009)

Hotel for Dogs (2009)

JCVD (2008)

Law Abiding Citizen (2009)

Ninja Assassin (2009)

Observe and Report (2009)

Proposal, The (2009)

Soloist, The (2009)

State of Play (2009)

Taken - Extended Cut (2008)

Taking of Pelham 1 2 3, The (2009)

Ugly Truth, The (2009)

Wrestler, The (2008)

JCVD is a brave step for Van Damme, but who knows what's going to happen with him these days. Ninja Assassin is incredibly violent, shocking and gross (with mucho CG) but pretty much brainless. Taken was better than expected, and Maggie Grace as the most lust-inducing movie daughter of all time was quite a treat. The Wrestler was a powerful film which I wish Aronofsky could have used a lot less tracking from behind on. There were standout performances from Mickey and Marissa (who spends nearly every single one of her scenes naked), nice, and another good showing from my main stalkee Evan Rachael Wood. Oh, and Todd Barry caught masturbating, PRICELESS!

The Ugly Truth and The Proposal each had about two or three good and/or funny scenes, and aren't as horrible as most every other film of that type. There's at least something for the guys in both of these, so it's not a total waste. Gran Torino and The Soloist both probably should have gotten more recognition than they did, as they're both well done dramas that creep up and get'cha. Brothers is a slow to boil pot burster, that is pretty much "a long version of the trailer." You've seen the trailer, that's the film, only drawn out to get deeper into emotional realms before shit goes boom! I'm not saying don't see the film and instead watch the trailer, but whoever wrote that was right about the movie. Taking of Pelham remake was ok at best, and Law Abiding Citizen was stunningly outlandish.

Observe and Report, and Brüno... hmm...

(500) Days of Summer and Adventureland were both pretty good non-comedy romantic comedies. I'd say give both of them a view, though, (500) is more quirkish and depending on your views on these kinds of people (I'm not going to use any annoying terms), might bug you. However, Joseph Gordon-Levitt has got to be one of the best actors around, so you can't go wrong there. The whole Reality vs. Expectations split screen was great, and how the film jumped around kept things more interesting than usual. Adventureland is somewhat dry, but it still feels good to the senses… even if Jesse Eisenberg is there. The Hangover was decent. I don't really see how it got as huge as it did, but I'm not really complaining. Personally I thought Pineapple Express the year before is far, far superior... but what do I know about comedies meant for seventeen year old drinkers and occasional weed users anyways?

So I guess that was my 2009 in the big dark, sticky floored, squeaky seat filled room. I'm not proud of all of it, but there’s nothing I can do about it either. And I don’t regret watching films either, for the most part. I think it was a Girl who once said, “If you don’t watch everything, then how do you know what’s bad?” Or something like that… My question usually isn’t if it’s going to be bad, but rather, how bad?