The Lovely Eggs – "Cob Dominos" (Egg – EGG 001) 2011

Yep, People are Twats...it needed saying, and it took professional northerners, the Lovely Eggs, to put this inescapable truth onto vinyl.

Hailing from Lancaster, (the county town of Lancashire,that i was never sure actually existed unless the moon was full) this northern version of John Otway and Wild Willie Barratt obviously have, either, a proper manager or have taken a crash course in 'Rock Management' at Lancaster Polytechnic....just listen to this press release,written by someone who seems to have just read the Bluffers Guide to Punk Rock:

"The Lovely Eggs are an underground punk rock duo from Lancaster, northern England.
They have a fierce punk rock ethos that music should have no rules.
For Holly and David being in a band is a way of life. True to this, they live the way they play. Fiercely, constantly in search of the good times.
With observational and often surreal lyrics about life The Lovely Eggs have a powerful stripped down sound: one vintage guitar amp, one Big Muff distortion pedal, a guitar and a drum kit."

Yeah people are Twats, and being in a band is a way of life, so how's your Punk Rock Ethos this morning? Still Fiercely lookin' for 'the Good Times'? After all, there are no rules in music...except maybe think twice before mixing comedy and music.

Hmmm, comedy music does have a tendency to outstay its welcome after about four jolly amusing numbers, unless you're John Shuttleworth, or Frank Sidebottom,also, incidentally, professional Northerners too?

You know things are wrong when Iggy Pop makes guest appearances on your singles....See the Lovely Eggs' and Ig's 'I Moron' single. And,even worse, once a John Robb interview appears on You Tube you know you've had it.

I'm sure they will be very successful....er fierce punk rock ethos paradox warning....but as funny, or not, as their slightly irritating comedy numbers are, i couldn't play this twice.No matter how charming they seem to be. Mainly its the rent an accent vocals that tend to grate.

Yep People are Twats...including me.

Tracklist:

1 Minibus 1:56
2 People Are Twats 1:16
3 Panic Plants 3:17
4 Print An Imprint 2:11
5 Dont Look At Me (I Dont Like It) 2:55
6 Hey Scraggletooth 4:23
7 Fuck It 3:44
8 Muhammad Ali And His Friends 0:13
9 Why Dont You Like Me? 3:00
10 I'm A Journalist 0:20
11 Books Ting! 0:35
12 Alphabet Song 0:42
13 Watermelons 1:59
14 Pets 0:43
15 Oregon 3:11
16 Real Good Man 2:52
17 Mexico Cant Make You Smile 2:03

DOWNLOAD some dead funeh Manc songs HERE chuck!

Ted Chippington – "Walking Down The Road (A History Of Ted Chippington)" (Big Print – WELLx3) 2007

"I was walking down the road the other day, mate of mine pulled up, in his car,and he said, "I'm in a dilemma mate" and I said, 'Aye, good motors, Dilemmas. I was thinking of buying one myself. A red one perhaps?"

A box set...you heard... A BOX SET!?.. of the Anti-Comedian's Anti-Comedian,Ted Chippington. Whose act consisted of but one joke,which invariably began with "I was walking down the Road...", a wanton act of minimalism intended to wind up the less savvy members of the audience, which for the most part were there mainly for whatever indie band he was usually supporting.He only had one joke, but a lot of the crowd never got it.Even realising that he was being deliberately Bad missed the point.The 'joke' was subtle in it's unsubtlety ,dare I say,even sophisticated?

Many were so offended by his inability to locate their funny bones that they threatened to break Chippington's. But for the cognoscenti who took him to their heart, that was precisely Chippington's appeal.
Word spread. The cult grew. Yet as fame, fortune and the big time beckoned, Chippington retreated from the stage.Especially after his notorious appearance on daytime TV,on the execrably awful Pebble Mill at One;which stands as a living example of why alternative culture should never be in the same room as the mainstream (I too flirted with an invitation to appear on Pebble Mill with my 'crazy' sculptures.....we turned it down...would have been on with Zola Budd,the bare footed athlete Lol!). He had, in his own words, become "too popular". Choosing, instead, to opt out;after the Vindaloo Records tour of the USA,he stayed and found work driving trucks along America's Pacific Highway, before returning to a life of peaceful, uneventful obscurity in the West Country.

Nowadays, he's back,and currently touring the UK as support for The Nightingales again!?

"I was walking down the road the other day, when this chap said to me.An Hippie chap like: "D'you want some LSD man?" I said: "No thanks mate, we've gone decimalised now. Pounds, shillings, pence - no use to me any more."

Tracklist:

Good Evening To All Mankind
1-1 Improvisation 0:06
1-2 Good Evening To All Mankind 18:21
1-3 Monthly Return To Cornwall 53:42

The Human Being Years
2-1 Salisbury 3:10
2-2 Southampton 12:30
2-3 London 5:43
2-4 Preston 6:33
2-5 Stonehenge 7:21
2-6 Non Stop Party Hits Of The 50's 60's & 70's Side 1 6:41
2-7 Non Stop Party Hits Of The 50's 60's & 70's Side 2 7:12
2-8 Liverpool 11:38

The Big Time
3-1 Man In A Suitcase Side 1 21:38
3-2 Man In A Suitcase Side 2 24:41
3-3 Times Gone By 3:59
3-4 Drivin' Down The Road 1:58
3-5 Remember It Well 12:34
3-6 Weirdness 5:58
The Real Truth About Trucking

4-1 Call Me Rockin' 1:28
4-2 The Real Truth About Trucking Sides 1 & 2 40:04
4-3 The Wanderer 2:45
4-4 The Xmas Hit/Tesco 19:50
4-5 Pull Up 5:14

I Was walking DOWN the LOAD HERE!

John Shuttleworth – "The Dolby Decades" (Chic Ken – CHIC KENCD017) 2008

More from the maestro of the Yahama organ including "I Can't Go back To Savoury Now";if that isn't a good enough incentive to get you to download this recording you are probably dead.

However, "I Don't Want To Dance (But You've Got To" is the only tune ever to face up to the White Male'a dilemma of whether to dance and look like the prat you are,or show resolve and decline the opportunity to indulge in this ridiculous pastime,passing itself off as an expression of Joy(?)....what the fuck is there to dance about anyway?...This track has the compliment of having a guest vocal spot by Richard Whitely, of lame afternoon quiz shoe "Countdown" fame, before he died.....he had "One Foot In The Gravy" i guess?...of course referring to John's meditation on the spectre of mortality which goes by the same name on track 16.

Coronation Street gets namechecked again,through "Betty Turpin" who stood behind the bar of the Rovers Return soap opera pub for 42 years,never(well occasionally a few lines) having more than a few words ,such as "yes luvvie"to say,ever!

Could go through it track by track,listing the producers, what keyboard John Played,studio equipment,Beatles influences and shite like that,as if i was writing for Mojo Magazine,but fuck that!

Its fucking good,that's all you lot need to now.....isn't that right Betty?....."Yes Luvvie."

Tracklist:

1 Life Is Like A Salad Bar
2 Serial Cereal Eater
3 Three Men In A Van
4 Fish And Chips
5 Unaccompanied Lady
6 Disaffected Youth
7 God's Waiting Room
8 God Bless The Fleece
9 Dandelion And Burdock
10 I Can't Go Back To Savoury Now
11 I Don't Want To Dance (But You've Got To!)
Featuring – Richard Whiteley
12 Blatherwyke
13 Betty Turpin
14 Two Margarines
15 She Lives In Hope
16 One Foot In The Gravy
17 Karen's Tangerine
18 Mutiny Over The Bounty
19 When Suburbia Wakes
20 Scenes From South Yorkshire

DOWNLOAD a decade spanning collection of dolby encoded wonders HERE!

John Shuttleworth – "The Yamaha Years" (Chic Ken – Chic Ken CD001) 1997

 Nooooo!...John Shuttleworth ,like the Tooth Beaver, is not real. He is the comedic creation of the artist formerly known as Jilted John,also known as Graham Fellows,the actor who played Gail Tilsley's teenage lover in Coronation street......her husband, Brian,played by one of the finest actors that ever haunted the cathode ray tube(i Jest of Course) Chris Quentin, would have said something like "I'll Flamin' Kill Him!" when he inevitably found out. Poor Brian got knifed in 1989,he was stabbed at 8pm in the Monday episode,but the ambulance didn't turn up till 7.30 Wednesday evening for the next installment......I'm sure John Shuttleworth, second wife Mary,and kids, Darren and Karen, would have been watching those fateful nights in UK Soap Opera history.

Coronation Street is built on foundations of northern camp humour,and in contrast to its more serious soap rival, was famed for having actors who wished they were comedians,whereas East Enders,the London one, had Comedians who wished they were actors.

In the case of John Shuttleworth, he was very much a case of an Actor who became a comedian,via music,and his most enduring character still is the Redundant Steelworker from Sheffield who reinvented himself as a singer songwriter,and his fabulous Yamaha keyboard.

His tunes are hilarious of course,and here we have a collection of his finest efforts to date,and Yes....it does include "Pigeons In Flight.

Tracklist:

1 My Wife Died In 1970
2 Modern Man
3 Have You Seen My Wife?
4 You're Like Manchester
5 Eggs And Gammon
6 Man Who Lives On The M62
7 Up And Down Like A Bride's Nightie
8 The Christmas Orphan
9 Y Reg
10 500 Bus Stops
11 Save The Whale
12 The Bee And The Wasp
13 Can You Ken Ken?
14 Shopkeepers In The North
15 Mary Had A Little Lamb
16 How To Be Happy In A Sad Sad World
17 From A Father To A Son (The Burial Song)
18 What's A Shuttleworth?
19 Do The Stars Remember?
20 Pigeons In Flight

DOWNLOAD a fine argument for redundancy HERE!

Jilted John – "True Love Stories... Plus" (Castle Music – ESM CD 771) 1978

I remember sending me mum downtown to the record shop to get "Jilted John" by Jilted John on Rabid back in '78......but,it had SOLD OUT?!

This tchoon's time in the limelight coincided with the only visit logged to date of my Australian relatives from the suburbs of Sydney.......I'm now thinking of that fine song by The Fall, "Australians in Europe.....Peel Session version", that reignited my enthusiasm for MES and said group. These were absolutely NOT fans of The Saints,or any of those fine Oz Punk groups.Cousin Carl still wore the most horrible flared jeans,and liked stuff such as Fleetwood Mac and The Beatles(!?)So he was rather shocked at what was happening in the the whole of the UK, music wise. He accompanied me to the Record Shop where i bought that Raw Records Compilation "(Oh No)...it's More From Raw", which included such classic Punk Rock tchoons, as The beyond great Users' "Sick Of You", faux cockney's The killjoys, Some Chickens' manson inspired "Blood On The Wall",Hammersmith Gorillas etc.....not a bad track as far as i was concerned,but Carl was Horrified;later confiding in my mother that he felt Old and past it....he was 17.This of course only encouraged me to play it constantly,and at some stage i slipped Jilted John,on EMI, onto my turntable.This got an enthusiastic response from the female end of our antipodean relations.Cousin Clare was my age and secured herself a copy to take back to Wolongong to show off her new Punk single to her mates.

Describing this novelty single as "Punk" was pushing it a bit,but it had the sneery vocals,one chord guitar work,the group,....or the Rabid Records staff... looked a bit scruffy, but it did have its DIY roots,so i couldn't discourage the idea.This could have been by Johnny Rotten if he had a more privileged upbringing lived in Manchester and was nice.

I never bought, or even know of a Jilted John album until it got re-released in 1999.It's largely awful,and provided further evidence that this Graham Fellows project should have lasted for one single only;but, it does sound like a potential Lost-Teenage dream nostalgia musical that never was.....so maybe in the future?

Tracklist:

1 Jilted John– Going Steady 3:52
2 Jilted John– Baz's Party 4:30
3 Jilted John– I Know I'll Never 1:32
4 Jilted John– I Was A Pre-Pubescent 2:57
5 Jilted John– Fancy Mice 5:10
6 Jilted John– Jilted John (LP Version) 3:02
7 Jilted John– The Birthday Kiss 3:53
8 Jilted John– The Paperboy Song 4:17
9 Jilted John– True Love 3:16
10 Jilted John– In The Bus Shelter 1:36
11 Jilted John– Karen's Letter 1:49
12 Jilted John– Shirley 4:17
13 Jilted John– Goodbye, Karen 2:37
14 Jilted John– Jilted John (Single Version) 2:58
15 Gordon The Moron– Fit For Nothing 3:08
16 Gordon The Moron– Sold On You 4:00

DOWNLOAD HERE! you sad excuse for a post-pubescent you!

Jilted John – "Jilted Jam Demos Rehearsals & Gigs 1977 - 2008" (Boss Tuneage – BTRCRS090) 2016

Another from the same northern monkey school of straddling that grey area between acting, comedy and music, would have to be,one Graham Fellows aka, Jilted John and John Shuttleworth. As was so kindly mentioned by someone in the comments section,he appeared on manchesters' Rabid records, along with stablemates Slaughter and the Dogs, John Cooper Clark, Chris Seivey (Frank Sidebottom),Ed Banger and the Nosebleeds;featuring none other than Vinni Riley of Durutti Column fame,and briefly Jilted John....before EMI snaffled him up.

Yes, "Jilted John" by Jilted John, was a top ten smash in summer 1978.Back in the days when You could say things like Slag,Bitch and Puff on television and not face being cancelled. As this clip of John's third appearance on Top Of The Pops demonstrates, beginning with Jimmy Saville cavorting alongside three possible victims while introducing John on live vocals.Sadly it was destined to become yet another novelty one hit wonder......but there was more....an album and a slew of flop singles.Not to mention demo's and even a couple of gigs!?

Essentially, Graham was more on the Actor who does music rather than the musician who does acting,which never works out great, does it David Bowie ? Actors who do music did have rather more sucess than the aforementioned disasters...namely Punishment Of Luxury, Shoes For Industry,  Albertos y los trios Paranoias and...erm....Jilted John.

I rather think the Jilted John Project would have been better left as just a novelty hit, but of course, when a major label is involved, they squeeze the juice out of anything they get their stupid hands on.Which reminds me of the time when the top EMI record executive met new signings Pink Floyd, and asked which one was 'pink'.

Jilted John would have been a musical in the west end if it was made now....it still could I guess,it's all there,the story sung in half-rhyme,the nostalgic characters,the teenage  memories,the hit, all that's needed is some naff choreography by Wayne Sleep and a few million quid from Andrew Lloyd-Webber's bulging coffers, and an unsanctioned Oligarch.The Public would love it.

John/Graham had another brush with minor fame,this time as an actor,playing Gail Tilsley's inappropriate young lover in Coronation Street.....before reinventing himself as retired Steelworker John Shuttleworth,who spent his redundancy on a secondhand Yamaha keyboard in a quest for fame as a singer songwriter. His greatest hit I would suggest, has to be "Pigeons In Flight" (more on the way....recorded in Dolby.

Tracklist:

1 Jilted John (Live At Erics, Liverpool, May 12th 1978) 3:28
2 Unknown Interview Clip 1 0:50
3 Jilted John (Original Demo, December 1977) 3:20
4 Going Steady (Live At Erics, Liverpool, May 12th 1978) 3:36
5 Unknown Interview Clip 2 1:00
6 Jilted John (What's On, Granada TV, April 1978) 2:43
7 Going Steady (Live At Big Chill, August 2008) 4:39
8 Baz's Party (Band Rehearsal, September 1978) 5:03
9 Radio Clip 1 (BBC Radio 1, November 1978) 1:17
10 Birthday Kiss (Live At Erics, Liverpool, May 12th 1978) 4:26
11 Shirley (Band Rehearsal, September 1978) 3:53
12 Unknown Interview Clip 3 0:33
13 My Love's Just Begun (Unreleased Recording, 1979) 3:24
14 Baz's Party (Original Demo, 6th August 1978) 6:17
15 Radio Clip 2 (BBC Radio Manchester, November 1978) 1:39
16 Birthday Kiss (Live At Big Chill, August 2008) 4:50
17 Paperboy Song (Original Demo, July 1978) 4:09
18 Radio Clip 3 (BBC Radio Manchester, November 1978) 0:55
19 Keira Knightly (Live At Big Chill, August 2008) 2:39
20 Stoodup Stephen (Original Demo, January 1978) 6:08
21 Debbie, Debbie (Live At Erics, Liverpool, May 12th 1978) 2:42
22 Trendy Wendy (Original Demo, April 1978) 4:15
23 Jilted John (Live At Big Chill, August 2008) 5:10
24 Sharon's Song (Original Demo, Incomplete, Early 1978) 1:14

DOWNLOAD HERE! you Slaaaaaags!

Frank Sidebottom – "13:9:88" (In Tape – IT SIXTY) 1988

 

There ain't many demented children's entertainers who do cover versions of The Fall and Captain Beefheart,in fact you can count them on one extended middle finger.

Of course Frank Sidebottom is that entertainer;just one in a lengthy line of 'hip' northern English and Scottish muscians (He's Chris Sievey of the Freshies to repeat myself) who also moonlighted more successfully as comedians.

The art of marrying comedic song and dance with music is largely not to be recommended, but up north one has to have a sense of humour,especially if you live in somewhere like Rochdale in the 1980's. Even Mark E. Smith could have easily been a comedian;i had visions of him becoming the new Les Dawson later in life,but unfortunately he never made it too far past 60.

And of course let's not forget this is where Mrs Merton, aka Mrs Peter Hook of Joy Division (Caroline Aherne) got her big break.Going on to do the Award Winning "Mrs Merton Show",and The Award winning "Royal Family".....before succumbing to the rather less funny reality of cancer.

Nearly all of the above are dead!?

Bloody 'ell, they're dropping like bloody fly's!?

Tracklist:

A1 On The Train
A2 Blackpool Fool
A3 Tickets Please
A4 To The Beach
A5 Hit The North
A6 Hit The Arcades
A7 Hit Dick Turpin
A8 Frank Checks Into Auntie Edie's
A9 Mrs. Taylor
A10 Room With A View?
A11 Phone Conversation
A12 Off To The Funfair
A13 Mirror Man/Mirror Puppet
A14 Gimme Dat Harp, Little Frank
A15 Frank Hires A Boat
B1 Frank's Luxury Bachelor Penthouse Pad
B2 Debbie Greenwood
B3 Mrs. Merton
B4 Late Night Problems
B5 Me Great Big Floor Scrapbook
B6 Golden Mile
B7 Breakfast At Edie's
B8 Car And Punchline Trouble
B9 Go Away
B10 M.A.T.B.W.M.T.D.B. (Acts 1 & 2)
B11 Back At Edie's
B12 Gipsy Rose Sidebottom
B13 Very Very Big Special Case

DOWNLOAD HERE! you ungrateful bunch of front-bottoms you!

Frank Sidebottom – "5:9:88" (In Tape – ITC 058)

If there's such a thing as someone who isn't a Frank Sidebottom fan out there!?????....incomprehensible I know.....then you've probably had enough of this adenoidal and obviously mentally ill  but cuddly northern English version of John Wayne Gacy. One could compare him to The Residents,but funny. This comparison encapsulates the difference between American and British humour.One is as sophisticated and tiresomely witty,dedicated to either winners or winners on their way up, and the other isn't.

The "isn't" bit refers to sad parent's house dwelling losers who live in a fantasy world like Frank Sidebottom. The nearest american equivalent i can think of would be Rupert Pupkin in Scorsese's "King Of Comedy......notice how something like Frank Sidebottom would only appear in american culture if it was realised by a top director who exists within the american cultural elite; whereas in the Uk,basically everyone's like that.

Actuleh, there's something about Frank that reminds your author of himself...in the third person. I too, have a little Jonny that i can be really nasty to,and an inflated vision of myself that qualify's one to remind the un-cooperative of exactly who I FUCKING AM!

So, here's more Frank, in fact two hours more of Frank, at his very best/worst. Especially Frank's missed vocation as a Game show host in "The Squid Is Correct",introducing Dave the evil head-hunting pygmy who only communicates by Morse Code.

Game shows like this actuleh existed on early eighties British television, primarily in the form of the Darts Quiz called "Bullseye",among others. This was a quiz for the underclass,and menial workers,whose quiz categories included "Spelling", "Books" "Places" and,a subject that Americans are very comfortable with...."Bible"!...why "Bible" wasn't included in the "Books" category i have no idea!? 

David Lynch spends millions of investors dollars to create something only half as surreal as "Bullseye";whereas ITV spent approximately seven pound fifty-nine to achieve the same if not exceed,the level of Surrealist Television,that Luis Bunuel could have only dreamed of.

The winners would invariably be going home to whatever shithole they were imprisoned in, accompanied by either a 'Speedboat' or a caravan as 'Top' prize.

Which is from whence your blog author himself escaped from,without the help of a speedboat i may add.....the worst part being that your fellow inmates wouldn't want you to survive in the outside world,if they couldn't fuck it up for you before you left,and became moist at the thought of the gloating they could administer if such an escapee should return!? 

Driving around those concrete concentration camps the post-war British Government called Council estates,one could identify the ones who had been on Bullseye by the absurd sight of a Speedboat parked in their front garden,next to a pile of old mattresses.....yes they had gardens.Even the Nazi's had a garden included in their charming extermination camps, so there was nothing new there; although i don't think the SS would allow the top prize to be a speedboat, more likely the caravan option, modified to be a mobile gas chamber which was once so very popular during the Party's euthanasia program back in the 1930's.Fun Times huh!? However when this show was cancelled the compare/camp Kommandant would pay the ulimate price of being hung by Albert Pierrepoint from a makeshift gallows in the camp grounds.

The Russians, however,tend to subjugate their under class by conscripting them and sending them to Ukraine to get shot....and the latest news is that vile Putin Puppet Medvedev has suggested the return of capital punishment for anyone not up for a return to the  fun times of the Soviet Union.

This could have all been avoided if Russia had a Cyrillic version of Bullseye.The British may be a bunch of fucked up morons,but sometimes we get some good ideas....just that Bullseye wasn't one of them.

If Frank Sidebottom was the new leader of Russia,or even Great Britain, we'd now all be dead...so count your blessings.

Tracklist:

A1 The Robins Aren't Bobbins
A2 Little Frank Arrives
A3 Me Great Big Zoo Scrapbook
A4 Best Of The Answering Machine (Part 1)
A5 Radio Timperley Intro
A6 The Tomb Of Maurice Karmen
A7 Radio Timperley Outro
A8 New Material
A9 Mr Custard You're A Fool
A10 What's Happens Now?
A11 Frank's World Intro
A12 The Squid Is Correct
A13 Frank's World Outro
A14 Little Frank Leaves
A15 It Was Nearly 20 Years Ago Today
A16 I Said, 'Hey You, Street Artist'
A17 Mrs Merton's Baby
A18 Fantastic Sea Shanty
A19 Star Interview
A20 Patrick Moore
A21 Little Frank Interrupts
A22 Fantastic Flashback Starts
A23 Cape Timperley To Lunar Dustbin
A24 First Puppet On The Moon
A25 Ultimatum To Return
A26 Of Puppets And Pace And Money
A27 2nd Ultimatum To Return
B1 Airplay
B2 Big Frank Blasts Off
B3 TVR-17 Station Output
B4 Little Frank Shows Off
B5 S.O.S.
B6 Big Frank Returns
B7 Fantastic Flashback Ends
B8 Monopoly (The Game)
B9 Mike The Manager
B10 Monopoly (The Song)
B11 Lucky World Cup Willy Coin
B12 Best Of The Answering Machine (Part Two)
B13 What This In The Diary?
B14 Frank's World Intro
B15 Roulette
B16 Frank's World Outro
B17 Football And Weather
B18 Star Interview
B19 Ian McCaskill
B20 Mr E. Lake
B21 Timperley Travelogue
B22 Extra Bit
B23 I Said, 'Hey You, Riot Policeman'
B24 Down At The Moss Lane Football Ground
B25 Five And A Half All Time Great Footballing Chants
B26 Sue Of The Sioux
B27 Roger And Sarah
B28 I've Got Something To Shout About
B29 Mrs Merton
B30 Nicolas Parsons
B31 Fantastic Barber's Shop Song
B32 Not So Fantastic Argument
B33 Electricity

DOWNLOAD as correctly as the squid HERE!

Frank Sidebottom – "Radio Timperley C-60 Volume 1" (11:37 – ets18) 1990

Apart from the obvious delights of two episodes of Frank's Radio Timperley show on radio Piccadilly,the real treat is the short extract from Frank's appearance at the 1989 Reading festival ,in front of a crowd of 4800 drunken revelers squeezed into the 2000 capacity Mean Fiddler tent.

The roar of the crowd for Frank's appearance must have been the loudest of the whole festival,and the call and response crowd participation  version of "Guess Who's Been On Match Of The Day".....to which the crowd replied "Yoooou Have, In Yer Big Shorts".,was beyond impressive....almost as ear-bleedingly loud as the Kop at Altrincham FC in full voice (singular).

The response was such as to suggest that Mrs Sidebottom's only son would have been a far superior headline act than The fucking Mission??...wot??...or the bloody Pogues,and especially New sodding Order!..who were the official top acts at Reading 1989.

Quite refreshing to see a lack of Rap acts in the line up,with a sprinkling of  what I would concede to be half decent acts lower down the pecking order.

And I thought the Reading Festival was something to do with books?

In this particular cul de sac of France, my local festival is a Poetry Festival,where I witnessed,and I kid you not, a French lady interpreting the Poetry via the medium of dance.Almost as bad and pretentious as the Michael Clarke Dancers interpreting the music of The Fall. That was my lowest ebb as a Fall appreciator,especially after there was an American and MES's missus (same person incidentally) in the group;..then MES started wearing trendy suits !?.....on top of that,but worse, becoming part of the South Bank Glitterati.No wonder Smith upped the alcohol intake.

Frank Sidebottom could never be pretentious if he tried......now as for Little Frank, I can't guarantee that he wouldn't be tempted.

Never trust a Short-Arse,even one made out of cardboard.

Tracklist:

A1 Mr Gallagher's Zoo 28:35
B1 Frank's Removal Company 25:42
B2 Live At Reading 2:53

DOWNLOAD direct from planet timperley HERE!

Frank Sidebottom – "Fantastic Tales" (11:37 – ets 7) 1987

The sparkling and magnificent sub-celestial abode that some would let it be known to all and sundry as being called thee planet earth;hasn't always been the stamping ground of official top ten entertainment and egoistic posturing.Around the golden era of rock'n'pop'n'roll, 1977 to 1984,there lurked an unpopular form of  rock'n'pop'n'roll called alternative and independent music.There was even some clever individuals who did all that stuff what top-notch mangers like Peter Grant and musical behemoths such as Richard Branson did, themselves.......clever little smartarses such as they were. One such clever smartarse would be Chris Sievey of the alternative and indie rock'n'pop'n'roll group The Freshies,who did everything himself,released lots of unpopular pop tunes on his own label,and to cap it all, in his spare time was the very very funny alter-ego Frank Sidebottom,who lived with his mum in the charming satellite town of Timperley near Manchester.

There was ,excuse my language, a fucking shit film wot i was swindled into watching called "Frank",which has been described by person's unknown, as a "Black Comedy"?....supposedly inspired by Frank Sidebottom; who,i am told gave his blessing to the project before he died..he'd be spinning in his grave if he saw the finished product...Did I say that Frank and Chris were indeed both dead at the time of writing?....no?...well they are. I heard this nugget of movie propaganda and proceed to watch an illegal download of said talking picture,only to learn that the Frank in the film was nothing to do with the Sidebottoms of Timperley,but was some clueless american in a Frank Sidebottom head moaning about how hard life is,and spouting  too cool for skool nonsense about what makes a cool band and that which is not.There has never been,to my knowledge any rock themed movie ever, unless its taking the piss of course(Spinal Tap),that didn't......(i stoop to americanese again..sorry)...Suck Balls real bad.......maybe "A Hard Days Night",but that was more an Ealing Comedy with Pop Stars in than a rock'n'roll movie?

Rule one never ask an american what makes a punk band, they just do it naturally without thinking about it,unless you're Johnny Ramone. Rule Two, don't break the eleven commandments of Rock.....which the band in this exceedingly crap movie do with ease.....they had a keyboard player for Jehovah's sake!?....there are exceptions for this of course,like Una Baines for example(mk.1 Fall),but generally its an idea that...in Americanese....SUCKS! It really makes one just wanna give up.

Frank,However, had the history and meaning of Rock'n'Roll tattoed on his papier maché head

No this film wasn't about Frank...but there is another one that is....more a documentary than movie,but better...."Being Frank" is the titular conclusion for that one.

So as an introduction to the showbiz genius of Frank Sidebottom,Little Frank, and the late Chris Sievey,we bring you 50 minutes of the surreal madness that was Frank and Little frank,interspersed with some very silly songs,to remind the world what it's missing......acktuleh!

Tracklist:

A1 The Day I Found A Hippopomous 17:50
A2 The Day Little Frank Tried To Tell A Fantastic Tale 6:06
B1 The Day I Won A Million Pounds 13:29
B2 The Day I Was Paul McCartney 11:28

DOWNLOAD this fantastic tape here ACTUALLY!

Ted Chippington – "Man In A Suitcase" (Vindaloo Records – YUS 6) 1986

"I was walking down the road the other day, this chap comes up to me; he says, "I've just got back from 'Nam." I said, "What d'you mean mate, Vietnam?" He says, "No, Chelt-'nam"

There used to be a TV series called the Man in a Suitcase,made by the same folks (ITC entertainment) who did The Champions,Department S,Randall and Hopkirk(deceased)and the like. Endless fun was had watching all this stuff the second time round in the afternoon TV schedules  when I made the fatal error of working from home in the eighties;which roughly translated, means watching TV all day with me mates.Luckily I was on benefits at the same time(illegal),and lived at home with me lovely mam and dad,may their souls rest in piece.

The same time period was fleshed out in the comedy department by 'Top Comedian' Ted Chippington,whose main aim in showbiz was to alienate the audience by being 'crap'.Frequently he found himself as the support act for such hip acts as the Fall and The Nightingales,whose Vindaloo label released Ted's records.Ted's thing was not to make audiences laugh but to get up their noses. Or, as he puts it himself: "To make the main band seem better."

With a deadpan drawl and the sort of punchline-less gags that would leave the average punter baffled (it doesn't take much). Invariably starting "I was walking down the road the other day...", Ted's jokes were anti-climatic nuggets of pathos, dressed up as surrealistic nonchalance.The kind of empty chit-chat you hear between persons of a certain age at the fruit and veg stall down the market.

"I was walking down the road the other day, this chap walked up to me and said 'Do you want to buy some grass, mate?' I said 'No thanks, mate, I've got crazy paving. Haven't got a garden, you see.'"

He was a refreshing change from those facking awful shouty shouty left wing "Alternative" comedian bastards of the time(yawn),like cheeky faux cockney jack the lad middle class champagne socialist Ben Elton,and the jokeless drama they called "The Young Ones".....we wanted an alternative to all that shouty Thatcher baiting boredom, and Ted provided it....at least until he went on the Vindaloo tour of America and never came back. I don't know how his routine went down in America....do any video's exist? The man himself explains: "I tried to make a career there," he explains. "The Americans were surprisingly responsive but it never really took off. It's such a big place. I stayed there til I couldn't afford it."

He's back now, and resurrecting his career...what career? Still on tour with The Nightingales....the best gig in any town is that one.

"I look forward to when I've got a car and I can drive down the road, so I won't get all these characters coming up to me."

Tracklist:

A1 Introduction
A2 Rock'n'Roll on 33
A3 Ready Eddie
A4 Life On The Road
A5 Rocking Ribbons
A6 Comedian By Trade
A7 She Loves You
A8 Interview
B1 Feel Like Buddy Holly
B2 True Greatness
B3 Atmosphere

B4 True Stories
B5 Rocking With Rita
B6 Weirdness Oh No
B7 BRMB
B8 Cheers

DOWNLOAD about here...roughly speaking 

Dr Stanley Z. Daniels - "Sex Explained For Children" / "Sex For Teens(Where Its At) / "Sex For (Sex Is Fun Particularly When You're In Love)" ( Carapan Records 1969-1972)

Do you think the two characters on each cover are the same people at different stages of their lives?
There you go, we can pair up for life like Ducks do. Although i think volumes four to six would have been on Divorce for Adults, Teens and Children. We need more guidence on how to split up than how to have sex....that's the easy part.
These three classic forays in to how to patronize teens and adults are indespensible acquistions for child and adult alike. Not for the rather unreliable advice of Dr. Stanley Z. Daniels, but for the chance to hear children say 'Penis' and 'Menstruation', and  hear the good Doctor's views on the sick and depraved existence of Homosexuals. There's some jaw dropping stuff on these ,so-called 'Educational' discs, and typically, they being American in origin, 'God' gets a hefty look in too.Ask your local preacher for advice, is Stanley's guidence at one stage.
The Doctors voice has a similar quality to Ken Nordines rich timbre,but more robotic, and far funnier. 
Listening to this progressive-regressive modernism from the past is enough to put you off sex altogether, rather than want to do it properly.
The ignorance is an intresting insight into the thoughts and opinions of middle calss america in the seventies,that hasn't changed much even today, as well as being rather hilarious. 
I notice its also only for whites too?
By far the best of the three volumes,if not just for the acting, is "Sex For Teens". The 'with it',but obviously square boy-teen is having an argument with his sister about her hippie boyfriend,when The Doctor enters the conversation to calm things down.....it all goes steeply downhill from there.The part on Homosexuality is priceless!
I'm sure this has been sampled to death.Now here's your chance.

DOWNLOAD the complete set HERE!

Ivor Cutler and Phylis king - "King Cutler" (BBC Radio series) 1990

Ivor Cutler and his regular sparring partner Phylis King present six episodes of offbeat humorous songs, stories and poems. With Glen Baxter. From January 1990.

I'm copying and pasting here from Irkthepurists blog:

11/1/90 – 15/2/90 (6x30m)
Radio 3, Thur; various times around 9:30pm
(Repeated by BBC7, 17/1/08 – 21/2/08 and 20/9/09 – 25/10/09, although individual episodes were first included on Comedy Winners, broadcast 11/8/07, and Tom Robinson’s shift as Comedy Controller, 22/9/07)
Note: Programmes originally given numbered billing as ‘King Cutler I, King Cutler II’ etc.

Thats about it for Ivor Cutler.....one can only write and listen to so much of any paricular artist, no matter how brilliant.....
There's another Radio series from 1997 too, called 'A Wet Handle' which you can also download HERE!....its as good as all the others. I've just had enough of posting Ivor Cutler's much missed melodious tones for the time being.

Tracklist:

Episode 1-6.

DOWNLOAD the king and queen of absurdist rubbish HERE!

Ivor Cutler - "Jelly Mountain" (BBC radio Drama) 1996

Another short series of 15 minute long voyages down the rabbit hole into an Ivor Cutler wonderland of nonsense.

Tracklist:

1. Episode 1 : Ivor Cutler's unique views on language, justice and scratching people's backs.
2. Episode 2 :Ivor Cutler's unique views on how to promote a child's growth.
3. Episode 3 : A visit to the circus heralds arcane amusements.
4. Episode 4 : Musing on old cuppas and paying with Fool's Gold.
5. Episode 5 : Musings on a footkerchief and a forest full of girls.

DOWNLOAD something wibbley and wobbley HERE!

Ivor Cutler - "A Stuggy Pren" (BBC Radio Drama) 1994

More inexplicable and absurd word-smithery from Scotlands finest poet,and, in the words of the BBC, 'legendary Scottish Surrealist'. 

Tracklist:

1. Episode 1 : Poems, songs and relaxation tips from Ivor Cutler and friends including fishy verse and how to jazz up mince.
2. Episode 2 : Alison O'Kill wants to read Ivor Cutler a poem, while Murray-Orr can't think with the sun in his eyes.
3. Episode 3 : Ivor Cutler and his friends present dark tales, offbeat songs and some tips for aspiring poets.
4. Episode 4 : Poet and composer Ivor Cutler on bargain hunting, water flowers and 'Beelyploomkins'.
5. Episode 5 : Songster Ivor Cutler slips a disc and shares his secrets about moonshine, housemaids and a bully called Smith.

DOWNLOAD whatever a stuggy pren is HERE!

Ivor Cutler - "Cutler The Lax" (BBC Radio Drama) 1991

Ivor also did several Radio plays,drama's ,sketch shows, whatever you want to call this unclassifiable stuff, for the venerable BBC. 
I like how he's labelled 'the Legendary Scottish Surrealist' by the Beeb drama department; which is of course accurate. If Salvador Dali gets to be called a surrealist, then so is Ivor.Either that or they are both comedians. After all, Dali described The Marx Brothers as "Perfect Surrealists"....or something like that anyway.
One man's absurdist is another man's Surrealist is another man's comedian.

Tracklist:

1.Episode 1 : Legendary Scottish surrealist Ivor Cutler provides disappointment for cavemen and a cheap alternative to liquor.
2.Episode 2 :Legendary Scottish surrealist Ivor Cutler discovers ancient Egyptian music and what the Dutch think of British pubs.
3.Episode 3 :Legendary Scottish surrealist Ivor Cutler samples the archives and enjoys some Marabut music and a jolly Japanese ditty

DOWNLOAD and don't be lax HERE!

Ivor Cutler ‎– "Prince Ivor" (Rough Trade ‎– ROUGH 89) 1986

Yet more priceless BBC recordings from the turn of the eighties on Radio Three. Several short surreal plays broadcast on the BBC wavelength largely reserved for Classical music. Ivor's fans certainly crossed the generation gap and effortlessly appealed to persons of all musical tastes;especially as this was released by Rough Trade,the numero uno Post-Punk label of the time.
One must give credit to the anonymous character actors (Bill Wallis,Glynis Brooke,Malcolm Hayes etc) who back up Ivor's words with some effortless brilliance.One must also give praise to the unsung heroes of the BBC sound effects department.

Tracklist:

1. Silence (01-04-1979)
2. Ivor Cutler and the Mermaid (06-21-1980)
3. Ivor Cutler And The Mole (6-22-1980)
4. Ivor Cutler And A Barber (12-22-1981)
5. Ivor Cutler And The Paperseller (12-24-1981)
6. Ivor Cutler And A Storeman (12-26-1981)
7. Ivor Cutler And The Princess (6-23-1980)
8. A Miner Is Approached By Ivor Cutler (12-30-1981)
9. Ivor Cutler And His Dad (6-24-1980)
10.A Sheet Metal Worker Is Approached By Ivor Cutler(1-1-1982)
11.Ivor Cutler And A Small Holder (12-28-1981)
12.Prince Ivor (3-20-1980)

DOWNLOAD ivor for less than a fiver HERE!

Ivor Cutler - "Peel Sessions 1987-1997" (a DIE or DIY? Compilation)

As Doctor McBrazil-Nuts said to Missus Big Buttons, "take your clothes off and lay on the trolley, then take my temperature!...What does the thermometer say?"
"Made In Venice" says Missus Big-Buttons.
"Receptionist is there anyone else in the waiting room?
"Just Mister Big-Buttons" replied the Receptionist.
If that doesn't contain all you need to know about the Coronavirus #19 crisis then there's a cure for coronavirus HCoV-229E, aka the common cold......for which, after centuries of trying,is still incurable.So the likelihood of a vaccine appearing like magic early next year is pretty un-likely, I'm sure you'd agree.
Very few literary works make complete sense of the world like the work,if you call it work, of Ivor Cutler. Philosophers like Nietzsche thought themselves into blind corners and early graves to work out what the fuck is going on,and still found no answer. Cutler manages this in one short couplet.....there is no sense to existence,and like the abrupt endings to many of his poems, there is only silence. But at least we can laugh at it all while we still can.It's only as bleak as you make it,nothing you do is gonna change anything. Get reday for living with the Virus, like humanity has done for millenia. For want of a better phrase that isn't emblazened on every mug on the planet; "Keep Calm and Carry On".....for fucks sake!? "Language is a Virus",said the American version of Ivor Cutler, William S. Burroughs.

Tracklist:

1. A Romantic Man 09/06/1987
2. The Shapely Balloon 09/06/1987
3. The Clever Night Doctor 09/06/1987
4. The Aggressive Onion Vendor 09/06/1987
5. Me And My Kid Brother 09/06/1987
6. The Perambulating Scottish Colander 09/06/1987
7. A Wag At The Flicks 09/06/1987
8. Glasgow Dreamer ep 11 (Andy Kershaw 21/05/87)
9. Glasgow Dreamer: Episode 8 09/05/1991
10.Beside the Fish 09/05/1991
11.Footsteps 09/05/1991
12.Green Light 09/05/1991
13.The 2 Coy Hinnies 09/05/1991
14.Seaweed 09/05/1991
15.Insect 09/05/1991
16.Glasgow Dreamer: Episode 6 09/05/1991
17.Biltong Croon 09/05/1991
18.A Long Hard Gland 09/05/1991
19.Hee Haw 09/05/1991
20.Doing The Bathroom (Episode 1) 25/11/1992
21.The Lid 25/11/1992
22.25,000 Miles 25/11/1992
23.Part Of The Ground 25/11/1992
24.Between Two Walls 25/11/1992
25.Your Side 25/11/1992
26.Pschawa 25/11/1992
27.Ros Vulgaris 25/11/1992
28.A Dale Song 25/11/1992
29.Two Paracetamol 25/11/1992
30.Doing The Bathroom (Episode 2) 25/11/1992
31.What Have You Got? (1997)
32.Ruby (1997)
33.Open Your Arms (1997)
34.Jam (1997)
35.Ingredients (1997)

DOWNLOAD because ivor got no more HERE!

Ivor Cutler - "Peel Sessions 1979-86" (a DIE or DIY? Compilation)

Well I had Gruts for tea last night,and they were delicious...I fried them in butter, served with a handful of chickweed, washed down with a quart of rainwater fresh from the barrel. I gave the leftovers to the dog...but he died this morning!
If there's a man for a crisis, its Ivor Cutler. If only he was still with us to make sense out of this absurd pandemic. He would have understood perfectly why people weren't allowed to lie down on the grrrasss in the parrrk(thats my attempt to reproduce his accent using standard lettering.....there's more!
"loook!" said fatha. "A patch of grrrass! Go and sit upon the grrrass and feel your lumps".He makes one feel like a child again, but not in the patronising way that the govern-ment does it, but by talking directly to ones inner-child.Instead of the Queen addressing the nation,or Trump...aww pleeeeze!(To whom i dedicate the poem "Lunatic",the angriest poem that Ivor has ever written,he says)...or indeed Macron!?...we need Ivor Cutler more than we ever did.
Altogether now...."Ooooooooh Pellets rolling round my feet,
look at the girl with the broken nose laughing out the windoooooow!"


Track Listing:

1. The Man With The Trembley Nose 20/02/1979
2. The Obliging Fairy 20/02/1979
3. Examine The Contents 20/02/1979
4. A Saucer 20/02/1979
5. A Lady Found An Insect (Aka Buffet) 20/02/1979
6. Lunatic 20/02/1979
7. Melon 20/02/1979
8. Egg Meat 20/02/1979
9. Pass The Ball Jim 20/02/1979
10.Gruts For Tea 20/02/1979
11.Tomato Brain 15/04/1981
12.Step It Out Lively Boys 15/04/1981
13.Counting Song 15/04/1981
14.Life In A Scotch Sitting Room Vol 2 Ep 15 15/04/1981
15.Ready 15/04/1981
16.A Land Of Penguins 15/04/1981
17.Her Darling 15/04/1981
18.Pellets 15/04/1981
19.Life In A Scotch Sitting Room Vol 2 Ep 16 15/04/1981
20.Bad Eye 23/03/1983
21.Pussy On The Mat 23/03/1983
22.A Blue Bear 23/03/1983
23.Women Of The World 23/03/1983
24.Halfway Through 23/03/1983
25.People Run To The Edge 23/03/1983
26.Brenda 23/03/1983
27.Mostly Tins 23/03/1983
28.Life In A Scotch Sitting Room Vol 2 Ep 17 23/03/1983
29.A Doughnut In My Hand 23/03/1983
30.Old Black Dog 23/03/1983
31.Life In A Scotch Sitting Room Vol 2 Ep 18 23/03/1983
32.All The Time 15/02/1984
33.The Revelation 15/02/1984
34.Her Equipment 15/02/1984
35.Questionnaire 11/05/1986
36.Just a Nuance 15/02/1984
37.Life In A Scotch Sitting Room Vol 2 Ep 19 15/02/1984
38.Vegetarians 15/02/1984
39.Lemonade 15/02/1984
40.I Jumped Over A Wall 15/02/1984
41.Jelly Mountains 15/02/1984
42.I Built A House 15/02/1984
43.Are You A Tory 30/06/1985
44.Back Home 30/06/1985
45.Country Door 30/06/1985
46.I'm Fixed 30/06/1985
47.It's Snowing 30/06/1985
48.Knockin' at My Door 30/06/1985
49.Large & Puffy 30/06/1985
50.Life in a Scotch Sitting-Room Vol 2 ep 10 30/06/1985
51.A New Home 30/06/1985
52.Walkin' to a Farm 30/06/1985
53.Vermin 30/06/1985
54.A Ball In A Barrel 11/05/1986
55.Bend Down Yetta 11/05/1986
56.Bucket And Steam 11/05/1986
57.Crunch Crunch 11/05/1986
58.Glasgow Dreamer Ep 3 (11/05/1986)
59.Glasgow Dreamer Ep 4 (11/05/1986)
60.God's Blessing 11/05/1986
61.Jewish Jokes 11/05/1986
62.Laughter And Disbelief 11/05/1986
63.Maturity 11/05/1986
64.One Of The Best 11/05/1986
65.OK, I'll Count To Eight 15/04/1981
66.Three Men 15/02/1984
67.The Wren 23/03/1983

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