Floating Free February

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. 

Lao Tzu

(600-531BC)

Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life.

Merle Shain

(1935-1989)

I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see and what it means to me. What I want and what I fear.

Joan Didion 

(1934-)

We are at the end of our NaBloPoMo post-a-day month of considering want and although I admit to looking forward to a slightly more random posting schedule again (I love being able to respond to the blogging muse as and when she moves me, which is not always on a daily basis) it's been an interesting exploration for me.

I really want for very little materially in my life and have so much to be appreciative of. It's been useful, however, to think daily about those things I do still wish for - for myself, for others. Valuable for me to recognise that yearnings, dreams and aspirations, big and small, do still live in parts of my heart that have perhaps been closed or sensitive to inspection for a little while. And enjoyable to explore those here, and to feel so connected and supported by kindred spirits whose presence is felt in this blogosphere, and those that pop in to visit whether they make themselves known to me or not.

This month I also started a process of unravelling, explored through photographic and writing exercises, and tackled a cathartic release from physical and emotional baggage by addressing a pile of stuff that needed to be dealt with.

What I discovered is that there are distances still to be covered, gaps between the emotional life I seek and the space I currently inhabit, and stuff still to be faced and dispersed - it's a process after all - but as I sit here on this final day of February, with my heart slightly bruised and my body aching, I also feel lighter and more buoyant than I have in a long time. 

So where I want to be right now, is right here, where I am, and who I am.

And I'm happy that you're here too.

[Flickr credit]

Waving a flag

Tonight I want to wave a flag... Earlier today it might have looked like a flag of surrender. But a few pecan toffee cookies and a mango smoothie to raise blood-sugar levels later, and I moved through that phase. Good progress is being made now and I hope that by tomorrow evening, as suggested by a dear friend, I will be waving a triumphant flag at the summit of box mountain instead.

And so tonight I'm just fluttering a flag of friendly "hello!" before heading off to enjoy a hot bath to unwind the muscles that have been working so hard on my behalf for the past few days. And then to bed... Mountain climbing is strenuous work I find. Made so much easier though by having great companions to return to at base camp. Thank you for checking in on me and cheering me on with your presence - I feel you out there.

And I'm looking forward to catching up properly with all my favourite blogosphere spots and the lovely people who inhabit them, later this weekend...

In the meantime, I would just like to wish you a very Happy Friday!

[Flickr credit]

Metamorphosis

Already thinking about something lovely I might reward myself with at the end of this process of clearance. 

Nothing to clutter the newly acquired emotional and physical space. Just a little something to decorate it. And to mark the milestone.

But then again, perhaps I'll just live with the space for a while...

Yearning

–noun

1.a persistent, often wistful desire, deep longing, esp. when accompanied by tenderness or sadness.

2. an instance of such longing: a yearning for romance and adventure.

[Flickr credits]

Climbing a mountain...

...to reach the light.

In the next couple of days I face tackling some things that have been in storage for a very long time. Boxes of stuff - household goods, photographs, personal effects - that represent a life that is no longer mine and yet, a life that is indelibly part of me. Twenty plus years of my adult existence. My history.

I have been avoiding it because I know that it is not going to be an easy task. I have been avoiding it because although this stuff is not the history, and my history is not who I am, personal things inevitably trigger memories, not all of which I have been able or ready to look at before.

But now, I think the time has come. I do not relish the task. I have no doubt that it will be hard. That it will be painful. But I have climbed mountains before. And the view from the top, the quality of the light, the taste of the air up there has always made it worthwhile, and left me feeling light enough to fly.

I would like now to be light enough to fly.

[Flickr credit]

Just because I can...

...doesn't mean I want to. 

Integrity poses the questions

I have been offered the opportunity of a new role that I am supposed to be excited by. 

Honoured to accept.

I've successfully held similar roles in the past and I'm confident that I could do it and do it well.

And the expectation definitely exists that I will accept the challenge and embrace the responsibility and be thrilled to do so. That I should do so. That there is no question.

But...

My experience is also what made me walk away from this in the past. And what tells me that it will be very stressful. Not well supported. Not challenging in a good, stretch-and-grow way. Not rewarding in any sense except for being able to say that I could and that I did. That I did what was expected - that I succumbed to the should...

So what do I do? And how do I do it?

I've been asked to consider it but I also know that option's been presented as a rhetorical question and that it will reflect badly on me to turn it down. And I'm struggling with how to explain my answer and how to say the words: Thank you but no thank you.

I know what my heart's answer to this question is.

Just because I can, doesn't mean I want to.

[Flickr credit]

Hiding out Sunday

Periods of wholesome laziness, after days of energetic effort, will wonderfully tone up the mind and body.

Grenville Kleiser

(1868-1953)

Idleness is not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything.

Floyd Dell

(1887-1969)

You can't imagine what a pleasure this complete laziness is to me: not a thought in my brain - you might send a ball rolling through it!

Leo Tolstoy

(1828-1910)

I wanted to be empirically convinced and now I am.

[Flickr credits]

Playing the game

I was tagged by lovely Suzanne at SakuraSnow to "open the 6th picture folder on your computer, open the 6th photo and blog it. Write something about it. Then tag 6 more people to do the same."

Okay, so on this still wintery Saturday where I am, here it is... a little African sunshine.

This is one version of a mosaic I made of photographs taken by my brother on a spring trip the the Kruger National Park a couple of years ago. It was a version I didn't use in the end 'cause I put together another that I preferred but this is the 6th image I saved in that folder, so as per the rules of the game, this is the one I share. And quite appropriate really after all the hankering for spring that's been going on around here this week, that I unearthed a spring collection. 

Kruger is the largest of the national game reserves in South Africa (about the size of Wales) and is situated in the north east corner of the country, bordering with Mozambique and Zimbabwe. It's home to more species of African mammals than any other reserve on the continent (147) and there are six distinct eco-systems identified in the park. It's a truly incredible place and although it's never guaranteed that one will see any animals at all (there are very few roads through it) this was a great year for game and bird watching. This mosaic shows only a small selection captured on film during that trip - very lucky and a great privilege to observe these animals in the wild (albeit a piece of wild with a big conservation fence around it). I enjoyed taking this opportunity to be reminded of what a special place it is.

I don't really like to do the tagging thing (never been very good at following rules to the letter - or number in this case) but if you feel like playing, please do. I'd love to see what your folders reveal...

Perchance to dream?

Oh I do hope so!

Just back from a busy few days in London... Such an amazing city and I love it but the place itself and the work I was there to do require such high levels of energy and brought very little sleep, so I'm so thrilled to be home and that the weekend has officially started. So ready for it.

I intend to have an earlyish night and am hoping insomnia has plans elsewhere (conveniently forgot to tell it where I'd be tonight) and that I might enjoy dreams not unlike these (but without the flu thing going on). Please. Not that I wish to steal James McAvoy away from Lisa's dreams (they obviously have a special bond and that's where he belongs) but a soothing Scottish accent would be just lovely to lull me to sleep. Maybe time to unearth a bit of vintage Sean Connery on dvd? Yes, I think that's the ticket. And something in the way of comfort food... probably involving melted cheese (although I know my Nana would be very disapproving at the thought of cheese before bed and warning of nightmares), and a relaxing herbal tea (chamomile, vanilla and honey)... I feel better just thinking about it.

I love Friday evenings. They are so wonderfully full of the promise of a weekend aren't they? And at the moment, this moment is, without doubt, the favourite part of my week. I love Friday evenings.

Whatever you are up to, I hope you enjoy some time for comfort and relaxation today too... and certainly, I wish you some lovely dreams.

Happy Friday!

Soul's strength...

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.

Albert Camus

(1913-1960)

It's a bit of a cliché perhaps but these cycles are natural and really powerful aren't they? Winter can feel bleak and hard when you're in it but summer's potential and the hope of its return is in there somewhere too. And a winter of the soul, when everything is stripped back to the essentials and the light's subdued, has a beauty of its own. It's more subtle and it's not necessarily a place one wants to dwell too long but it's all the more important for the rest it brings and the contrast it offers to a summer's growth and bloom.

I want to remind myself of this today. And to be patient. 

I'm just not very good at being patient. Not very good at all.

Delicate blossom of optimism

An optimist is the human personification of spring.
Susan J. Bissonette

Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; 

they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom

Marcel Proust

Merrily, merrily shall I live now,

Under the blossom that hangs on the bough.

William Shakespeare

I am. I am. And I shall. 

Today I'd like to protect and delight in this ethereal thing.

Let's meander shall we?

When I took geography in high school, I remember how I loved learning that a meandering river was the sign of a mature landscape, millions of years in the making. A river that flowed sinuously, at a relatively leisurely pace, through scenic valleys... I liked the sound of that. 

Whether journeying on foot or in conversation, I like to wander in this way, to take a winding path. To meander. Sometimes I set out simply for the pleasure of seeing where it'll take me. Sometimes it brings me right back to where I started. Sometimes I end up somewhere entirely new. Normally I end up where I need to be. 

Sometimes I know exactly where I'm heading and how to get there but I still like to veer off course and then circle back to the path. Sometimes it takes me a little longer to get there but oh, what sights I've found along the way, what creativity uncovered, what tangents of thought and feeling have been explored. Some of my most interesting discoveries, enjoyable interactions, or profoundest moments alone have happened as the result of a spontaneous meander.

But I've noticed that I haven't been doing this as much recently. Tending instead to stick to the straightest path, the well-worn route, the fastest journey time, the safest subjects, the most succinct expression. I still indulge the whim to wander here occasionally but in some areas of my life I've curtailed it almost entirely. And there's obvious value in that. It's direct. It's efficient. It's sensible. All good things. But I miss the leisurely meander.

In this month of considering want daily I've realised that, especially on brief journeys and in conversations where must and should need not apply, I want to allow myself to explore freely and randomly again. 

To encourage myself to meander more.

Connections make us comfy...

Thanks to all you lovely people who shared the things that keep you warm and bring you daily comfort in our giveaway conversation. It was interesting to see how similar themes appeared:

• hot drinks - these featured frequently, simple pleasures that many of us savour and appreciate for their physical warmth and flavour as well as the moment's pause they allow us to take, whether alone or in the company of someone we love  
  
• favourite garments - wrap us in warmth and colour and comfort, and many have already discovered the wonders of pashmina-love and understand my passion for them
  
• the companionship of animals - whether beloved pets or those we simply encounter in our environment, we recognise how this special cross-species link enriches our lives
  
• a connection with other hearts & minds - either with those who are closest to us or with the strangers we meet in this amazing blogosphere, who we relate to, connect with, and who in some cases become our friends. I have an image of small individual flames that combine to become a community of light and beauty. I feel privileged to be a part of that connection. Thank you.

And so to the giveaway... Once again, I wish I could wrap each of you up in a beautiful pashmina but as it can't be, I made a list of people in the order that they commented (discounting those who chose not to be included for various reasons), rolled the electronic dice, and this is what they gave me:

Random Integer Generator

Here are your random numbers:

11
Timestamp: 2009-02-15 15:24:40 UTC

Number 11 is sweet Heather of Paper Follies.  

Heather is not yet a pashmina wearer but, as she rightly said, it's never too late to change. I hope you'll find this a happy change Heather and I'm so delighted and excited about going to choose your very first. I'll be in touch via e-mail to get your postal details and look forward to parcelling up and posting off a bit of pashmina loveliness to you soon...

[Flickr credits]

Dreamy voices

Perhaps in my next life, I'll have a beautiful singing voice. I'd like that.

In the meantime, I enjoy listening to those who do. These two made such an incredible, mellow, double-bill.

Sweet and soulful works for me every time. Reaches right inside and makes me cry. But in a good way.

Just what I needed.

Alone, together, alone again

I want to be okay with this. Completely okay. All day, every day. 

And especially today.

1. k-, 2. On the beach, 3. "To be a star, you must shine your own light, follow your own path, and don't worry about the darkness, for that is when the stars shine brightest”, 

4. Qui, io finisco. Ma ricominceremo altrove., 5. All Alone, 6. stone beach after the rain, 

7. dark n' dizzy, 8. Dreaming......, 9. Alone

Getting there...

Some days

I just want to pause.

And see.

And savour.

And breathe.

And chat.

And laugh.

And refill.

And then I'm ready to move on. Replenished.

Today is one of those days.

Can't do it. But I want to.

Maybe tomorrow...

How 'bout you?

Happy Friday!

[Flickr credit]

New ways of seeing

Entering a new phase...

Older on the outside; still feeling youthful on the in'

Perhaps a little wiser; certainly quite foolish yet

Stronger than ever; more fragile than before

Much remains unchanged; so much not the same at all 

Always moving forward; sometimes looking back.

It's an opportunity. A turning point. 

And I wish to explore what I might take with me and what I want to leave behind. To understand my place in the world now that I sometimes don't recognise where I am, and how I fit. To find a way to be comfortable in the skin I'm living in today, with all its many flaws. To reconcile myself, but not to settle for less, for this. And to play, in a new format.

I know some aspects of myself, and this path I'm on, all too well already. But I've enlisted some guidance for the next leg. To help keep me on track. To provide some focus, so that I don't wander off and unravel entirely.

I don't know if it's a good idea. But not knowing exactly what you'll find en route is part of any rewarding journey, isn't it?

The bluebird of happiness lives here

She flew all the way from Texas with little words of love and inspiration tucked under her wing. Just for me.

A few weeks ago the lovely ELK announced that I was the winner of one of her beautiful bluebirds. How lucky, how exciting!  I'm partial to a songbird.  And such a pretty one, made with love, and sent 'specially to me - how very special. 

And here she is. She landed safely, does not seem any worse for her long journey, and doesn't seem to be minding the change in climate at all. She delivered ELK's messages beautifully and is already making herself at home. I'm so happy that she's come to live with me. 

And I want to say thank you to ELK for the gorgeous gift, as well as for her unwavering kindness and encouragement.

Thank you. Thank you. I love her.

I want to adopt one of these...

I am so NOT a cute doll/fluffy/felty toy kinda girl. I love felt but cute is not my thing. Never has been. Maybe because we always had pets and my younger siblings became the students in my imaginary school or dressed up and put on plays with me, I never really wanted teddies or dolls as a child. I don't know. Building forts and climbing trees, hiding in the airing cupboard with a torch to read my book, or playing with paper and paint and glue has always been more my style. 

But I came across these little cuties in KitLane's Etsy shop recently and I started to reconsider...

There's something very appealing about a 2.5 inch Ursabob, Jacabunny or Nurblette, and an even tinier Burble. They apparently have the most endearing qualities and habits, and who could resist a story like this?

I think Half Pint and her little goat-chewed ears might want to come and live with me.

I want to give prettiness, comfort and warmth

I love my pashmina shawls. I have a fairly large collection (never tooooo large, surely?) and am almost never without one. Colourful, lightweight and warm they are easy to carry anywhere. They can be used as a scarf, a wrap in lieu of a jumper or cardigan (or as well as one), to add a pop of colour and pattern to any outfit. Draped over the arm or back of a favourite reading chair, they are ideal when the chill settles in but I'm too comfy too move. When I'm travelling on a plane, or a train, and the aircon is just a tad too high, they are the perfect extra layer. Unexpectedly cold meeting rooms or conference venues are bearable because of them. They have been used as an impromptu blanket for an afternoon nap or as a comfort blanket if there's no-one around to give me a hug. I've even fashioned one with knots into a bag to carry excess goodies in when I found myself without a carrier.  Or I just have them folded and looking lovely on a shelf.

I've been wanting to do a winter-related giveaway and this weekend it occurred to me that I'd like to give away a little pashmina comfort and warmth, all wrapped up with love and prettiness. 

I know that some of you are in countries where it's not winter at the moment, and some of us are in countries where winter is not going to be around for too much longer. But the thing about winter is that it always comes around again... And if you live in the tropics, or somewhere it never really gets chilly, we'll improvise and find a warm-winter version.

So, if you'd like to:

• Leave a comment between now and midnight on the 14th of February - I will do the draw on Sunday and post the winner next Monday.
  
• Please share with me something that brightens your life - something that you count on for daily prettiness, comfort or warmth.
  
• Let me know what appeals to you most - plain, stripes, paisley or floral.
  
• Your preferred style - modern, classic, eclectic or something else.
• Pick a colour, any colour - one that you love and that makes your heart sing.
  

Even if you don't see yourself as a pashmina wearer, perhaps one day it will be just the thing you need to wrap yourself or someone you love up in. I hope you'll play...