We are family – A Dementia Action Week blog

With over 200 blogs on D4Dementia now, some of them approaching 7 years old this month, I've decided to spend my 2019 year of blogging by re-visiting some of the topics I’ve covered previously, throwing fresh light on why they remain relevant, and updating them with some of my more recent experiences. This month, for Dementia Action Week (DAW2019) I want to highlight a previous DAW blog and tell you Hazel and Bill’s* story.

For DAW2017, I wrote a blog entitled ‘Five things I wish I’d known before my dad’s dementia’. In that blog I said:

"It may seem remarkably obvious, but dementia changes lives. It REALLY changes lives. The problem with telling people that is, until you've experienced it, you don't realise just how much."

Those words are as true today as they were two years ago, and for DAW2019 I want to share a particularly striking example of how dementia has changed one couple’s life, leaving them on the periphery of society.

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A few weeks ago I had a chance encounter with a lady, Hazel, who had been diagnosed with dementia just over a year ago, and her husband Bill, in a cafe. We got chatting as they watched our 3-year-old playing and we ended up having a long conversation. 

Hazel and Bill told me they’d never had any children and were only children themselves, with no extended family. They said they went to the cafe once a month because it was somewhere they could ‘watch the world go by’. They have their groceries delivered, because supermarkets are too noisy and chaotic, and trips to their GP practice are daunting as it’s so big and impersonal with its electronic check-in system. 

Hazel and Bill live in a rural location, and said their main company comes from the birds who visit their garden and a neighbouring cat who also takes an interest in the birds! They said they’d never met the owners of the cat - new people had moved into their neighbourhood a few months ago but ‘kept themselves to themselves’.

Reading Hazel and Bill's story, it would be tempting to think that their circumstances are unique. After all, most people have some family and go out more than once a month. Except I don't believe Hazel and Bill's circumstances are unique. If you've never discovered Ageing Well Without Children I urge you to have a look. Their stats tell us that the number of people over 65 without adult children is currently in excess of 1.2 million, and is set to rise to 2 million by 2030. Moreover, in these days where you can order online and get just about every conceivable item delivered to your home, you don't need to go out. I certainly avoid the shops with our toddler!

For people like Hazel and Bill, being so isolated can have some undesirable consequences. It’s known that social interaction is a key component in reducing dementia risk, and if a person has already developed dementia, social interaction can help to improve their quality of life and wellbeing.

Then of course there is the impact on Hazel and Bill’s relationship. As Hazel built a lego castle with our daughter, Bill said to me quietly that he wonders how he will cope as Hazel’s dementia progresses. He says he’s keeping their heads above water for now, but feels lonely and worries about what the future might hold. 

Hazel and Bill left the cafe when more customers arrived and it became too noisy for Hazel. Bill said it was best to embark upon the drive home before Hazel became too restless, as she struggles with the movement in the car and it’s getting harder and harder to persuade Hazel to even get into the car now.

They both said that watching our daughter had been a joy, and they hoped to see us again. I made some suggestions of support mechanisms that Hazel and Bill might want to access, including the Admiral Nurse Dementia Helpline, the Dementia Engagement and Empowerment Project (DEEP), Dementia Carers Count and Together in Dementia Everyday (TIDE), but I’m not sure they will ever make those connections. Perhaps most tellingly of all though, when I asked Hazel and Bill if they had ever attended any local support groups, or accessed any dementia friendly services, Hazel replied and said: “We used to go out more, but we don’t fit in now I’ve got this” (and pointed to her head).

The sadness I felt at that last comment has stayed with me, driving my desire to improve the lives of people living with dementia. I hope it might have the same impact upon you too.

So, how do we reach out to people like Hazel and Bill? They rarely have contact with any services, so opportunities are few and far between. That busy GP surgery is one contact point, and their Memory Clinic appointment(s) would have been another. Then there is the cafe - the one place Hazel and Bill go to of their own free will. I asked the waitress who came to clear our table if it was a particular goal of theirs to be welcoming to people with dementia. She said no, adding with a smile: “Our customers are our family.”

As individuals we can all do our bit to make people with dementia feel included and welcome, no matter who we are or what our service is. We don’t have to do it in a formal way - every way helps! And I don’t believe that it requires any particularly special skills - offering a safe space, a friendly smile and a simple enquiry about how someone is, or asking if you can help.

We can all be people of action this and every week of the year, adopting that motto from the café – ‘We are family’. 

(*Names changed to protect identity)
Until next time...

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Living with dementia in a rural community

September 2017 saw the launch of the Dementia Action Alliance’s (DAA) ‘From Seldom Heard to Seen and Heard’ Campaign. The campaign focuses on people living with dementia and their families from six communities who are often marginalised from services and support: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender + (LGBT), Black, Asian and Minority Ethnic (BAME), Young onset dementia, The prison population, People living in rural communities and People with learning disabilities.

I’m a national member of the DAA, and proud to have worked with the team in developing this campaign, mostly by utilizing my extensive knowledge and experience of working with people who have a learning disability and dementia. I wrote about BAME communities in my October 2017 blog, and for this post, I want to think about the challenges for people with dementia who are living in rural communities.

It’s a topic close to my heart - I’ve always lived in rural areas, and currently live over 11 miles from my nearest town. My dad was a farmer with a passion for the countryside, and he fostered my love of rural life, nature and the environment from an early age.

But whilst I love rural living, I’m also well aware that it isn’t without its challenges. Although rural communities can often be amazing at pulling together and looking after their own, there is no doubt that many people can also be very isolated and lonely if they become ‘cut off’ or reclusive.

For a person developing dementia, particularly if they live alone, that can lead to numerous problems. My dad went ten years without a diagnosis, and whilst I would be the first to admit that there were many factors that contributed to that timescale, I do wonder if living miles from healthcare services made him someone who was ‘out of sight and out of mind’.

Dad’s local town was 9 miles away, and although he was on a bus route the services weren’t as frequent as in urban areas. During his 10 years without a diagnosis dad stopped driving which made him even more dependent, not only on public transport but on his family too. I didn’t learn to drive until after dad’s diagnosis, by which time he was living in a care home, so it wasn’t like I was much use on the transport front either.

Had dad received a timely diagnosis, and had services existed back then that he or I had wanted to access (groups and therapies for dad, or for me, carers services), our involvement would have been dependent upon us having suitable transport that got us to these services at the right time. For many people living in rural communities, these are sometimes problems that prove insurmountable.

Reflecting now, I also see how lucky we were that dad didn’t get into serious difficulties living surrounded by fields (the garden backed onto open farmland), ditches and streams whilst he was developing dementia. The countryside was very picturesque, but had dad decided to go out walking and then become unable to find his way home, it’s quite possible no one would have seen him, let alone found him, potentially until it was too late.

Urban areas tend to have more landmarks, in terms of buildings and points of interest. There are also many more CCTV cameras and members of the public who might see someone with dementia who has got lost whilst walking. Finding a person with dementia who is confused and disorientated in that environment is possibly easier than in the countryside.

My dad was living on the edge of a small village, so we weren’t completely cut off from civilisation, but many people living in rural areas may be far more isolated down a dirt track without another house in sight. If bad weather then hits the potential for difficulties or disasters becomes considerably greater.

Of course it isn’t just about hazards and problems. Many people living in rural areas benefit from cleaner air, more open spaces and opportunities to absorb themselves in outdoor pursuits that improve their wellbeing. Even being able to sit by a window and look out onto open fields and watch the animals and birds, enjoying how the changing seasons alter the natural landscape, is something many people in urban areas may crave.

Isolation and loneliness isn’t just reserved for individuals living in the countryside either. It’s often said that you can be surrounded by people in a town or city and yet still be the loneliest person in the world. Just because you have countless neighbours all around you, doesn’t mean anyone will actually knock on your door.

But I do firmly believe that people living with dementia in rural locations face some specific challenges, particularly around accessing services and support and remaining safe and well (although not resorting to being risk adverse), that require all of us to consider how we are reaching out to these individuals and communities and making our services and support accessible. Yes, some dementia friendly community work has happened in rural areas, but certainly not in all of them, or even the majority.

Where I live is currently undertaking a neighbourhood development plan survey, and one of the areas I’ve highlighted in the lack of retirement and extra care housing, and residential care services, for our ageing population. People who live in rural areas have every right to reside in the location of their choosing - they shouldn’t be forced to move to an urban area if they don’t want to just because their needs are changing and there is a lack of services and support in their locality.

Of course there are always challenges to find staff, and run health, social care and third sector services in rural areas that are sufficiently used that they remain viable, but as a country we need to become much more innovative about supporting people in every community, regardless of how rural they are, to lead the life they want, including when they are living with dementia.

Until next time...

You can follow me on Twitter: @bethyb1886
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