WARNING: This blog is ritten in Bear English, wich is phonetic. An that is mor than yu can say abowt the werd "phonetic".
Showing posts with label spy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spy. Show all posts

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

The wisdom of aige

Yesterday's scores:
  • Gills: No
  • Simpsons: No; mist it
  • Tesco: No, they went to blinkin Somerfield insted. Bleagh!
  • Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 10 well thare wassent mutch else to do rownd heer /10
  • Overall Score: 7.6/10
HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!!!

I am a very observant Bear. I may hav menshund it. It's the Spy training, yu noe.
Today I am goin to tell yu abowt an observayshun I did the uther day.

Thare waz a laydy, a littol boy, an the littol boy's Grandad, all standin in a roe, lookin in a shop window. The sayme shop window that I was lookin in, akchewlly, cos thare wer sum nice caykes in it.

Enyway, all ov a sudden, the Grandad let rip an enormuss fart an insted ov sayin 'Sorry' or 'skewz me' or 'pardon', he sed, "WA-HEYY! GOTCHA!"
-HAAAAhahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!
The laydy sed to the littol boy that Grandaddy waz VERY rood but the littol boy just larft, an so did I. In fakt, I threw my arms up AT him!

Yu see, this man waz as old as a tree, an he had had YEERS to find the very best response to fartin in public, an he desydid that
"WA-HEYY! GOTCHA!"
waz the best. Issent that grayte? Hehehe! I think I may agree wiv him!

TTFN!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Well, it's not befor time!!!!

Yesterday's scores:
  • Gills: no
  • Simpsons: yes
  • Tesco: no
  • Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: we didn't play this game, we played "Bear! Not-a-Bear!" an Grayum, an ex pro at this, gayve lessons to Sam.
  • Day Score: 7 ish, I gess/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Well, we had to hire a car. Utherwise Daddy wuddent get to werk next week. An we wuddent get to Football today! Wa-heyy!

So Daddy got strayte on the fone Therzday nite to find a car rite away. He had to get a cab over to whare it livd, then drive it bak. Well, by the time he got home in it, it waz gettin dark an I waz watchin The Simpsons, so I dident tayke much notiss, reelly.

But gess wat?????????? Oh my! Heheee!!!!! I had a proper look yesterday an an an oh! Yu won't beleev it, so I better show yu a foto-.......it's got my nayme on it! It haz!!! Hehehehe! We got a car wiv my nayme on it! Hahaha! Well, it's abowt time. Hahaha! An the GGZ cud be a Beary ggggggggzzzz noize or short for grizzly. Teehee! Daddy sed he haddent realized! D'oh! Hahaha!

I am a TAD worreed abowt bein in it, me bein a Spy an' all. But I serpoze I can rely on the Dubbol Bluff Tekneek. I meen, I can say, "Hoo me? Do yu reelly think that if I wer a spy I'd dryve arownd in a car wiv my nayme on it? Pah!"

Mind yu, it is blak an shiny, wich is kwite a spy like type ov car. I wunder if thare is a button to press to bring owt warter wings an raydars an stuff.

Daddy told me today that thare issent a level bit on the dashbord for me to sit an navvygayte. ME TO SIT AN NAVVYGAYTE???? Duzz he think I'm goin to get into a car wiv my nayme on it an WERK????

No. No, I mayde shor he knew that in THIS car, I'm a passenger an he is MY driver. He understood. He eevn arkst if he shud ware a hat. I don't think he waz bein sarky but I'm not shor.

Enyway. Off to football this arfternoon in it. Bloo pants on, peepol!!!! Wa-heyy!!!

Bye fer now!

Saturday, October 04, 2008

It must be Grandparent week!

Yesterday's scores:
  • Gills: no
  • Simpsons: yes
  • Tesco: no
  • Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: we've all bin too bizzy reedin the brillyent Captain Underpants book that Stanley an Stella sent us!! /10
  • Day Score: 7.84291/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Oh deer! In fakt, oh deer oh deer! Becos thare ar 2 things to say "oh deer" about. So, do I say "Oh deer, oh deer." together, like that. Or, do I say "Oh deer!" then paws, an then say "Oh deer!" agen. Or, perhaps, do I jus say "Oh deerS" an leev the number open???? Hmm... skomplicaytid stuff, is langwidge.

ENYWAY. My ferst "oh deer" is that it seems I did not blog all week. No post since Sunday, an I wassent eevn on a nice hollyday sumwhare. Criminol! SO I am sorry bowt that.

My secund "oh deer" is that I may hav offendid sum peepol in my larst post. I meen...a week an ownly 8 comments? C'mon, guys. That feels like a suttol way ov sayin sumthing like, "Now look heer, yu cheeky yung Bear [at least, I wud HOPE that yu wud capitolize 'Bear', no matter how annoyd yu ar wiv wun ov the speesheez], now look heer, I serpport that fine Mr McCain an I don't think it's funny that yu ar rood abowt him."

If this is the cayse, then I do apologize.

Look, I'm ownly littol. I don't meen to be rood to enywun. Well, that's not striktly troo: Koalas. Koalas I HAV to be rood to, becos they go arownd tellin peepol they ar Bears an they're not, they ar silly beak-nosed-tree-huggers that poo soup on torrists' heds an eevn fall asleep mid-streem. But uther than them, an the odd cheatin scum opponent footballer, I don't meen to upset enywun.

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Just remindid me of a camel, s'all. :@}

***** ***** ***** ***** *****

Enyway!

Granny-Ireland an Grandad-Poppa went to Rhodes for 2 weeks an ownly went bak home to Ireland on Thursday. BUT! They flew into London on Wendzday, an rang me up an sed, "Hullo thar, wee fella! Wud yee be wontin to com to Lundon for a wee dinner then?"

WOW! Dinner in Lundon wiv Granny-Ireland an Grandad-Poppa! Brillyant! I waz so exsytid! I put my newest an bestest jumper on an ran to the car!!

It waz grayte to drive rownd Lundon at nite. We sor all the faymuss bits all lit up an glowin! Then we all met up at a littol Italyun place near Victoria called L'Arco. The food waz yum! The dizzerts wer sooper-yum!

Heer's me an Dilly wiv Granny-I an Poppa:

I'm a bit big-eyed cos Grandad-Poppa had an espresso an I tryd sum ov it. It's weird stuff. Sort ov the grayvy ov the coffee werld. I dident blink agen till we wer harf way home.

Mummy an Daddy? Oh, yeah. They wer thare too. But ownly cos I'm too small to reech the peddols in the car. Jhee jhee jhee!

They talkt abowt us all goin to Ireland at the end ov the munth for a holiday. Wenever an wharever we go on hollyday it's allways cold wet an rainy, so we mite as well. HAHAHAHAHA! See, told yu I'm a cheeky Bear!

***** ***** ***** ****** *****

Weer off to our uther Granny's today, the wun that's Mummy's mummy an carfters Mummy's cats cos they like her big garden.

It will be the ferst time we see them all since Orgust an Mummy carnt wayte to see Fluffy an pik her up an sniff her toze. (Lor, sheez weird.)

So wa-heyy! 3 Grandparents in 4 days! At leest the English wun knows not to strayten my eers owt, like the Irish wun kept doin. Mummy had to explayne to her, I'm a spy, an I need to be reddy for all evenchewalitys, an that means WUN ear forwerd an WUN ear bak!!!!!

***** ***** ***** ***** ******

Gillingham ar playin today- kik off 3pm British Summer Time. Pleez hav yor bloo pants at the reddy an on in time. If yu get cort short an ferget till the larst minit, don't panick, jus put them on yer hed. It's funny, but waring them on yor HED seems to be EEVN lukkier than waring them on yor bottom-an-bits. Try it! Get on a bus in the rush-hour an thare won't be a seat in site. But don a pair ov lukky bloo pants on yer hed an TAH-DAAH! Instantly, peepol moov owt ov the way for yu. It's MAGIC!

Bye for now :@)

Monday, August 18, 2008

Cap'n's Holiday Log Stardayte 180808

WIFI aksess in the hotel room, guys!! CHEK. IT. OWT! Ya carnt get rid ov me that eezly! Wa-heyyy!!!!!!!!!

Well, weer heer. This waz our ferst vew ov the Peak Distrikt:

The Peak Distrikt: Hills, rayne, grarss, treez, an....er... truks (?)

Eech ov the rooms in the hotel haz a diffrent moovie theem. Or SKEEM, cos it's just the decorayshun, yu don't get mewsik. Wich is a shayme reelly, as weev got the James Bond room!!!!!!!!!!
An so a Spy-Bear gets to stay in the Bond sweet. Appropryet, huh?

Mummy is hoping to find sum Bond gagetry, like a button that makes a barth appeer, cos we ownly hav a shower an she likes to lie her old bones down an soak. (WEIRD.) (We do hav a loo, too, don't worry. Jus thort I'd menshun that. I kno that sum Merrykans think we still yews pots under the bed over heer, along wiv horses and carts for taxies, an finger puppetry for TV.) (HAHAHAHAHAHA)

Mummy an Daddy left us heer to explor wile they went owt to eet. I fownd owt that the hotel owner haz a small (yet wide) wite terrier calld BOB! So I hope I can get him to poze in a foto wiv me.

Bye fer now!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Weer bak!

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Phwah! Tayke that!

Wa-heyy! Weer bak!

We had grayte fun in the New Forest for a few days! We brort bak loades ov fotoes an me an Mummy ar goin to sort them owt so I can post all abowt the playses we went to, the trees I pooed behind an the caykes we ate. Oh yeah, an Dilly had a berfday.

Meenwile, I'm off to chek yor messidges (ooo thanks for thoze!!) an heer is a foto to keep yu smilin. This waz sent to me by Mr Woo, Duk an Bear, hoo liv wiv my Arnty Christina in Ostraylia. In it yu can see sum yung Bears lernin the art ov Kararty. I hav offen menshund how we lern this in Spy Collidge, but sum hav dowtid my werd on the subjekt (yes, I kno, it's hard to beleev, but...) So heer is proof! Phwah!

Bloo pants on tomorro, pleez! Gillingham ar playin Swansea tomorro an to be onnist, they've been so good, I'm wonderin if our lot will tern up.

Bye fer now!!!




Friday, March 28, 2008

EARS

Yesterday's scores:
  • Gills: no
  • Simpsons: yes
  • Tesco: no
  • Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 10! Ha! /10
  • Day Score: 7/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS

i.beati arskt me the uther day to explayne my "uther ear". So I told her I wud do a speshol post fer her abowt it.

I normally look like this:

But I had Mummy tayke this foto speshly to show I hav both ears:
Thing is, yu can tell alot abowt a furry person jus by lookin at 'em. As yu probly kno by now, realness is all in the kneez. If yor Bear haz kneez, he is real. Utherwise he just a teddy. Teddys wer inventid for small children to carfter wile they ar goin throo the chewy* stayge. They ar trayning devices, reelly. Yu wuddent want to expose a REAL Bear to such dayngers as teething an poo-filld pants. (Hehehehe.) So they hav teddys till they ar old enuff for the hewge responsibility ov adoptin a Bear.

Enyway. Next, the ears. Kwite simply, if yu hav wun ear forward an wun ear bak yu ar reddy for all evenchewalitys. For this reeson, if yor furry person is a spy, he will definitly hav his ears this way.

Now. Tayke a look at this groop foto, tayken larst nite. See if yu can spot hoo mite be a spy:

OK?

Now heer ar the arnsers. See how yu got on!

from left to rite:

me- yes; Daddy Windowsill Bear- yes; LBBBJ- no; Mummy Windowsill Bear- yes; Dilly- yor gess is as good as mine; Sam- possibly; Grayum-no.


I hope this explaynes things. Now, go chek yor Bears.

N.B.

Pleez remember that yor Bear carnt tell yu hoo he is a spy FOR, or heel hav to kill yu.

Bye fer now!


*I don't meen this Chewy, wich is an artist, not a stayge.

Thursday, December 06, 2007

Curiosser an curiosser...

Yesterday's scores:
  • Gills: no
  • Simpsons: yes
  • Tesco: no, an Mummy sneekt off to the CO-OP insted. I refewsd to go. I don't care if they DO do exslent choccie biccies or eevn if their big boxis ov speshol Crismoss choccie biccies ar on speshol. 2 big boxis fer £4. Pah! Well they carnt be that good can they?
  • Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 9/10
  • Day Score: 7.93692/10
  • Advent calendar pikcher: girl in a sheet goin for a walk

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Well! The mistry deepens.

Those ov yu hoo hav been reedin comments from days parst will hav spottid that a koala (not-a-bear) haz infiltraytid the blog!

I speek ov corse ov "anonymous" hoo left a messidge on my post the other day, the wun abowt the Windosill Bear Familee's growin lak ov respekt. I cud tell it waz a koala (not-a-bear). Hav a reed ov it! Yu can jus smell the beak-nosed-tree-hugger-issity waftin throo the werds. Ha! It waz a wile befor I susst owt the orther's speesheez. But it dornd on me layter that nite that ownly a koala (not-a-bear) cud be that darft or that narsty. Heer's wat the yung ninkompoop rote:

Here did you learn english? Ever heard of spell check? What is this British Ebonics? Learn how to spell you idiot!

A crood, rood, an koala-like messidge, I'm shor yu'll agree!

Heer's wat I rote bak!

Anonymous,"Here did you learn english?" Yor sentence duzz not mayke sense, sir! AND! As I say at the top ov my blog, I RITE MY BLOG IN BEAR ENGLISH!!!! An I spell English wiv a capital "E", too, unlike yu! So don't go callin ME the idiot! At leest we Bears hav a sense ov hewmer yu silly incognito pooey Not-A-Bear! Don't come rownd heer spreddin yor silly forrin synicysm!

HA! Phwar! Tayke that!

I do hope that this messidge's tymin is meerly coinsidental. I do hope that the Windowsill Bears arnt recrewtin Koalas (not-a-bears) in their corze. No. I carnt beleev it. No way. No. I jus don't think they wud do that: they ar compleetly trustwerthy.

Still, I've put seekrit camras rownd the howse all the sayme. Weel discuver tomorro wat they've been up to!

Bye fer now!

Monday, August 27, 2007

Spys in the wood sayve the day

Weekend's scores:
  • Gills: yes. Lost 3-1 to Luton (full nayme: Lu-ton-of-poo Town)
  • Simpsons: no
  • Tesco: no - gets werse, don't it?
  • Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 9/10
  • Weekend Score: 6.532/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Well, dispyte wat it sez at the top thare, (HA! Cort yu owt, yu peepol hoo skip that bit! HA!) do not be too down, oh ye loyal members ov the Don't Mok The Bear Club, as we did mayke Gillingham get thare very ferst goal ov the seezon.

It's ownly been a month, an they're jus warmin up. An enyway, wun ov those goals the other lot got waz a penalty, an we all kno the rool abowt penaltys- even if yu don't kno wat they ar, yu can be shor ov this rool- if YU get wun, it waz compleetly diservd, an if THEY get wun, they wer cheetin scum an the referee iz defnitly on thare payrole. So it's 2-1 reelly, not 3.

I hope yu rememberd to console yorselvs wiv the appropryet number ov choklit peanuts. I also spottid sumthing on TV Saterday eevnin that cheerd me up a lot an tuk my furry mind off such taxin conserns.

It waz on wun ov the Digital Channels. Mummy spottid it in the TV gide. Mummy wotchis alot ov stuff on Digital. If yu ever want to kno enything abowt sharks or Nazis, sheez ya gal.

Heer iz the programme we enjoyd, nay, videod, on Saterday:



"BEAR- SPY IN THE WOODS" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW!

I waz a TAD consernd that it waz goin to blow the cover ov a lot ov Bears, reveelin wich wuns wer spys an all. But it wazent. It waz a spy in the woods spyin on the Bears. HA! So we had lots ov film wiv Bears in. Now, that's wat I call grayte telly. Don't worry, the Bears knew they wer thare. I cud tell. They jus agrred wiv me, that the BBC issent wat it yewst to be, an needid sum improovment. I heer they got payd kwite well owt ov it. Two ov them retyred to the Cairngorms from whare thay hope to re-introdews the speesheez to Scottyland.

Enyway, we had to video it cos Dilly startid growlin at the prospekt ov missin CSI on the other side. It's a bit unnervin wen she starts makin her growlin noyze. Speshally as, wiv her eyebolls bein like they ar, yor never kwite shor wat sheez lookin at, so if the growl akchewally terns into sumthin, yu don't kno if it's comin yor way.

I don't kno WAT it mite tern into, weev never let it go that far. But watever CUD be on the end ov (1) Dilly not seein CSI an (2) her growlin noyze, wuddent be too nice. It wuddent be enything to do wiv cayke, fer exampol. So best just not go thare.

All in all I had the larst larff coz I can now wotch the Bear programme agen an agen an agen, an wen Dilly goze an complaynes to our Parronts they say, "Well how menny tymes has Bob wotcht it?" to wich Dilly* sez "2" and so they agree wiv me that this is not yet exsessiv enuff to switch off. HAHAHA. Tayke that, yer CSI-sest-reptyle!

Bye fer now!

*fer mor on this, get filld in on Dilly's way ov cowntin, if yu don't kno it alreddy, or can tayke it wun mor time.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Investigaytin The Bear

Phaseoutgirl Interviews Bob

Do yu kno, Mummy rote bak to PhaseOutGirl an sed that her kwestchons mite be a bit hard fer a yung Bear to arnser. Wat a cheek!!!!! She had them "on hold" in MS Werd, but I sneakt in an got 'em. Ha! I'll show her! Heer goze....


1. Your blog gives the impression that you are an animal lover. Why did you choose the persona of a small bear and not another animal? Any particular significance?

Oh yes, I am indeed an animol luver. I think weer grayte. Far less complicaytid than hewmans. An nicer too, most ov us. Not shor abowt croco-dragons. But most ov us ar.

An yes, havin the personality of a Bear has very particular significants, as I am a Bear. An a particular Bear, at that.

2. I also noticed that you call yourself "agony uncle" and write in "bear language". Can you explain the agony uncle bit, and how it is to write in a different language. Aren't you worried that people won't understand what they are reading?

Ah well, wen I startid bloggin I arnserd letters from Yunger Bears hoo needid advice but dident hav an Older Bear to luk up to. Yu can see sum ov these on my list of "Informativ Exampols-Ov-Bob Posts" on the rite hand side of my blog.

Bears (an Not-A-Bears) ar still always welcom to rite in wiv their problems for me to help solve.


I'm akchewally tri-ligual cos as well as Bear English an Brit-English, I do Spanish too, cos I yewst to liv in Ekwadoor wiv my Daddy. I prefer to blog in my ferst languidge to mayke it easier fer other Bears to reed. Ther arnt menny Blogs owt ther in our languidge, yu kno.

A few peepol hav sed that they carnt reed it. Sumtimes I get narsty messidges sayin I carnt spell. So I rite bak an say, "Well yu carnt reed Bear English, but I don't get narsty abowt it!"


3. Stepping out of the bear character, what does Bob really do and what is he most interested in?

I'm a Bear ov cheeky character, I admit, but ther is a seriuss side to me. I'm a trayned Secrit Agent an cud "phwah!" yu wiv a cunnin karate chop.

Tayken at my Graduayshun from Spy Collidge. On the left is my cuzzin, Henri. We keep in tutch. In fact, he's stayin wiv us at the moment. That's me, on the rite. Our "FIFA" badges stand fer "Federayshun of Internashnol Furry Agents".


As fer my intrests, well, pants, oviussly, then The Simpsons, going shopping, collektin shiney pennys, monitorin rools, navigaytin, marigolding, and sport. I like footboll an I go to watch it wiv Daddy. An Bear sports, like Synchronized Sitting. I also enjoy modern art an will be lornchin a gallery soon.


4. You are given a million pounds to spend on anything, except for yourself and your immediate family. What would you do and why?

WOW thanks!

I wud giv it all to animol charitys, like WSPA, hoo do lots of grayte things to rescew Bears in distress. An The Great Bear Foundayshun too. Ther ar links to them, an other animol charitys on my blog.
Why? Well, sum hewmans hert animols. I don't like that. It also maykes my Mummy cry. I don't like that either. Sumtimes the animols ar hert so much that ther arnt menny ov them left in the wild. I think that nice hewmans shud help us an mayke up fer wat the narsty wuns do. An if they don't, I will. That's wy I'd yews the munny to help.


5. A stranger knocks at your door and tells you that he is a long lost relative, and found your name in letters of his grandparents. He needs shelter since he has had a string of bad luck, is asking for help. He is travelling with his wife and a sick three year old son in their car, and they look really desperate. To top it all, his resemblance to one of your siblings is uncanny. How would you deal with this situation?

Ferst I'd invite them in an get them cups of tea an lots of toast an hunny. Then I'd go an get my Emergensy Hug Pants, cos I mite be a bit scared, akchewally.

I'd arsk Daddy to drive the littol boy up the rode to the hopsikol to mayke him betta. (I wuddent go wiv them, in cayse the boy was sik on me. That stuff mite stik to my fer.) An if the man did look enything like MY sister, I think he wud want to see the docter, too.

Dilly. My sister, & ownly siblin. Yu seriuss?

Then I'd go an get Mummy, an check her Famly Tree. She resercht her Famly Tree larst year an got bak to 1680. I was very prowd cos she fownd out that sum ov her ansesstors wer -wait fer it!- BREECHES MAKERS!!!! WA-HEYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But I digress......

Wunce the boy was bein lookt arfter, we'd show the visitors the Family Tree an ask wher they think they fit in. (Bein a spy, they mite not be tellin the trooth, they mite jus be on to me.) If they had nowher to go, we'd let them stay the nite an then call my Arnty an Unkols abowt it. Maybe we cud all meet up at the weekend fer a famly picnic, an get to the bottom ov it all.

But I'd hav to arsk my Daddy, reelly.


Thank cu fer the interview, Cecilia!



IF ENY OV YU WUD LYKE ME TO INTERVEW YU, PLEEZE SAY SO ARFTER THIS POST! Ah, go on!

Now, I've got to put this bit at the end. It issent in Bear English, this bit, so eny Bears out ther, I hope yu hav a translaytor handy if yu need wun...


Do YOU want to be interviewed?

Interview rules:

1. Leave me a comment saying "Interview me."

2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.

3. You will update your blog with a post containing your answers to the questions.

4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.

5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Marigolding, week three

Yesterday's scores:
  • Gills: no
  • Simpsons: yes, but they cut the opening credits short, missing out the bit where Lisa rides her bike, so I diddent get to look up her dress. D'oh!
  • Tesco: no
  • Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 10/10 Ha! Got Mummy coming out of the shower!
  • Day Score: 7.358/10
HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Time for this week's update on my marigolds:

doing well, aren't they?

But I'm starting to wonder if this is due solely to my efforts.
We live very close to a mobile phone mast. Do you think it is raydiating the plarnts in my garden? They all look rarther big. See what yu think:

teenage mutant ninja bluebells

Help! Do yu think it eats meat?

It might also explayne sum straynge behayviour in the Not-A-Bears rownd here. Remember the wood-mouse that lives under our kitchen? Mummy left sum nuts out on Monday, an yestaday Daddy fownd them: in his shoe.

Wha..????

I shall hav to put my Spy Hat on, and investigayte this.*

Bye fer now!

* I don't reelly mean this. I mean, a speshol Spy Hat wud sort ov giv a spy away, wuddent it? Although they do seem to wear them on those old black and wite Spy Movies..... Like, The Spy Who Came In From The Cold. But then, he was cold, wassent he. Until he came in. And then he took it off.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Bees Making Bees Making Hunny

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

In my curpasity as Spy, I beleev I hav uncovered a secret plot to take over the back of my house. They started to move in the other day. Just wun or two at first. Then three or four at a time. An NOW, I beleev they are intending to multiply an take up Squatters' Rights. It's a bit inconvenient, as they are right near the door, so you hav to duck them wen yu go out. I wonder why they chose MY house. They better not be arfter my marigolds.....

Here is a dockewmentry I made of them yestaday. Eny nature buffs out there? Let me know wat yu think....

Bye fer now!

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Quiz Answers

Yesterday's scores:
  • Gills: no
  • Simpsons: yes
  • Tesco: yes, slowly: Mum stubbed her heel. I mean, how do you stub your heel? A toe, yes. Even maybe an elbow. But a heel? She was doing this weird funky-gibbon walk all day. It was embarrassing.
  • Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 9/10 Grayum caught me back as I was coming in from the loo
  • Day Score: 7.85486/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Horray! I have a new subscriber, Carol from Shrink-Wrapped-Scream. Her last name used to be Beattie so she wonders if we might be related. Could well be, Carol. How furry are yor toes?

Enywun can subscribe by filling in the form on the left of this page, by the way. Yu get all my new posts, plus any with new comments. And don't worry, the emails include my picture so yu won't miss out.

SO! How did yu all do in my Quiz? Margaret, wat a wonderful woman yu are; Matt, stay behind arfter class. Here are the arnswers:

(1) see if he has KNEES

(2) see if he has one ear forward and one ear back

(3) Federation of International Furry Agents (it's ok that none of yu seem to hav got this- it's to do wiv spying, arfter all)

(4) Dilly. If yu got her full nayme, Dilly St George, help yorself to a choklit peanut

(5) Gillingham

(6) Absolutely

(7) NOT

(8) evil, inherently so

(9) a big toothless fat cat that lives at Granny's

(10) Lisa, of course. Have 1/10th of a mark if yu put Santa's Littol Helper

For mor on these fassinayting topics, and Dilly, follow the tags at the foot of this post! Bye fer now!

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Sayings. (Or "lies")

Yesterday's scores:
  • Gills: no
  • Simpsons: yes
  • Tesco: no- suspect mum went to that hideous "Saynsburys" yuk!
  • Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 10/10 (I'm so good at this)
  • Day Score: 7/10
HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

It is about time I brort to your attenshun sumthing about grown-up hewman not-a-bears. They LIE.

Now, if I tell a lie - not that I do, but if I did- I'd be told off and probly be mayde to do sumthing hewmiliating like, be nice to my sister or sumthing. But when hewman-grown-ups tell lies they get away with it.

For example, if sumthing goes wrong, they say it's Sod's law. Well I wantid to know who this Sod was. He is responsibol for a lot of bad stuff, like, running out of chiken wen mum was making chiken curry, or getting a lec-trissity cut wen I needid to send an important e-mail on essenshol spy bizzness (carn't say mor). AND, worst of all, he was responsibol for daddy's Hobnob breaking in half an falling into his tea wen he dunkt it!

Well I wantid to know who the blighter was, so I cud give him a gud one-two up the jacksy. But yu know wat? He duzzent exist! They've been blaming evrything on sumwun who duzzent even exist.

now just stop it!

There are lots of other exampols of grown-up lies. Like, wen sumwun on the news said he was sitting on the fence. I lookt up, an he was no where near a fence. He wassent even outside! I arskt daddy about it, and he said, "Oh Bob, it's just a SAYING!". Yu see? MOR LIES!

They do this all the time. Yu watch out, lissen to yor grown-up-hewmans today, an see how menny times yu catch them telling lies- an then telling yu "it's a saying". Tsk!

Bye fer now!

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Friends from Oz!

Yesterday's scores:
  • Gills: no
  • Simpsons: yes
  • Tesco: yes- mor choklit biskits
  • Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 9.5/10
  • Day Score: 8.2916/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Yesterday was a bizzy day wiv all that guarding to do. So I was very pleased to open my email an find sum pikchers ov sum friends. These rogues all live in Ostraylia, where evrything is up-side-down an back-to-front. Like, they hav Crismos in the summer. As if that weren't bad enuff, they don't hav Marmite. No wonder they all look a bit confewsed. Very friendly sort, though, an wontid to see their pikchers on here.

I'll let Duck introdewse them all:

"This one is ME .. on my own and and and I GOT NO CLoTHES ON ..COS i was having my jacket washed..ha ha ha ha....

then there is one of me and one of my best friends BEar - he a bit rough cos he is a ozzie bear and likes bar bee qs and drinking beers...

then ME an my best friend MR WOO...

and the next last one is a ..a..one of ME again and my other best friend ralf....love and lots
duck and his freinds.....friends
"

It didn't escape my attention that Mr Bear has one ear forward and one ear back. An we all know wat that means ;@) Well done, Mr Bear! An thank yu, Duck an friends.

Bye fer now!


Saturday, November 18, 2006

Query About My Nose

Yesterday's scores:
  • Gills: no
  • Simpsons: yes, 3 times!
  • Tesco: no
  • Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: still suspendid
  • Day Score: 7.201/10
HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

I hav reseeved a query about my nose from sum cuzzins ov mine in Ostraylia:

Dear Bob
Why have yer’ got a national flag stuck on ter’ end of yer’
nose… if yer’ goin’ ter’ stick a flag on the end of yer’ hooter’ yer’ should
think about puttin’ the best flag on it .. that being gods own country a land of
freedom and lots of chicky bears…… that bein’ auzz-tray- lia…… amen…

Good day mate.

Bear and duck…. Tamworth NSW… gods country.

Hmm. Well, take a look at this graduayshon photo ov me an sum ov my class at spy skool:

(I'm the hansum wun on the right.) As yu can see we all hav diffrent flags on our noses. These represent the familes we infiltrate. My nose has Ire-Land on it so I got a Daddy wiv Ire-Land on his passport too. It's all to do wiv our mishons, ov which I carn't tell yu much, as yu know, cos if I did I wud hav to kill yu.

Our other badges say "FIFA 2002". This is our year of graduayshun an stands for "Federashun of International Furry Agents".

As fer yor suggestion about Ostraylia, I'm not so shor it's that grayte there. My mummy's been there and sed it was too hot and full ov spiders. AND yu don't get Marmite spread. Mmmm yum..... an is it really God's country if it's the home of the deseetful koala not-a-bear? That's bordering on sacrilege my fellow! Enyway I don't think God wud choose a country that duzzent sell Choklit Hobnobs.....mmm......I'm off fer a gud ol cup ov tea wiv sum gud ol British biskits to dunk in it.

Bye fer now!

Thursday, October 19, 2006

More on "Lost" Bears

Yesterday's scores:
  • Gills: no
  • Simpsons: yes
  • Tesco: yes! me an Mummy wolkt there an bak cos Daddy haz lost his car keys.
  • Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: suspendid (mummy has got a snotty nose)/10
  • Day Score: 8/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

I have received a message regardin' my recent post on "Lost" bears. Here it is:

Margaret said...
Thank you for explaining where bears go when they are 'lost'.
I will remember to tell my
little ones this if they lose any more of their cuddlies. It is very
traumatic when one a favourite bear jumps out of the push-chair and runs
off, though, Bob. I think there should be a rule that you don't do special
missions when your human is very small, at least not till they're grown up,
as it is too upsetting.I am very glad your mumy and daddy got you back. How
long would you have stayed there, otherwise? (Not wishing to pry into the
nature of your mission, obviously).


Well, Margaret, I wouldn't have stayed there any longer than necessary 'cos they all supported Chelsea in that house. Yuk! Luckily I had just finished my work when my parrents came to get me.

As fer your little wuns, I am very sorry fer wen little humans (I mean young, not little like my Granny, hoo gets littler each year) get upset. I am, honest I am, they make a horrible screeching noise an I've only got small ears.

Unfortunately a Bear's got to do what a Bear's got to do, an sometimes this is a poo in the woods, an other times, a "speshol misshon". May I suggest non-spy Bears fer very small persons? That way they shouldn't need to nip out anywhere.

If you do get a non-spy Bear (check ears fer one-forward-an-one-back-ness, if this feature is absent, he is not a spy) an' he STILL goes AWOL, then he is very probably workin' for the other side (he's come in to spy on your spies). An' so don't worry about him. Adopt another one.

Bye fer now!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Speshol Mishons

Yesterday's scores:
  • Gills: no
  • Simpsons: yes
  • Tesco: yes
  • Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 10/10 - got mummy when she was washing up
  • Day Score: 7.2136/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

I was having a chat wiv Grayum der other day, he's quite an old Bear, yu no. An he was tellin me about how upset peepol get wen dey think dey hav lost dere Bears.

I agreed; mummy sumtimes reeds out the "lost"colum in the noospaper an sez "Ahhhh....". Mostly its full ov cats hoo hav nipped up the road fer a bigger dinner, but sumtimes it has Bears, too. Understandably it is very stressful wen yor Bear goze "missing".

So I thort I wud tell yu about wen we go "missing", then nex time it happens yu mite not be so worreed. (Yu'll still be upset, obviously, I meen hoo wudent. Life wivout a Bear must be a terribol trial fer yu Not-A-bears.)

So, take larst year, fer instance. Daddy was going out to buy sum cream fer Mummy to use in the dinner. I had to nip out, too, so I hitched a lift in daddy's pokket, then jumped down an ran off kwikly wen we got round the corner.

Apparently this mayde them verry upset and they spent hours looking fer me and put up "Lost" posters. Here's wun:

(what do dey mean, "owner"? - "Adoptid parent" wud be mor respectful, thank you)

It terned out that they wer ASHAYMED ov living wiv a small bear an put "YOUNG" owner on der poster an pertendid to hav a small boy hoo owned sed Bear! They then went door to door pertendin thus, till they came to the house where I was just finishing a very important mishon...

"Have yu seen dis bear?" Daddy asked, handing a copy ov the poster to a rather large man in a Chelsea futbol shirt (theyer scum, they are),

"Yes, we found him!" the man replyed, an came an got me.

He took me to Daddy at the door and Daddy sed, "BOB!!! What are yu doing in THERE?" at wich poynt the man handed me over rarther kwikly an shut the door.

Well wen we got home it was like the fatted carf all over agen. Well, lots ov choklit peanuts all round, enyway. But yu see, there was no need, really, because wen yu think yor Bear is lost he is probly just out on a Speshol Mishon.

(I carnt giv yu the detayls ov the mishon, obviously, or I wud haff to kill yu.)

Bye fer now!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Sum Advice (2)

Yesterday's scores:
  • Gills: no
  • Simpsons: MIST IT
  • Tesco: no- an mummy sneakt out wivout me
  • Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 9/10
  • Day Score: 6/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

I have reseeved a cuppol ov kwestions from someone called Wondering hoo livs in Maine. (WOW I wotched a film called "Der Hunt Fer Red Oktober" wunse. Dit woz all abowt a submareen an in der end dey hid it in Maine.)

Wondering wrote:

Dear Bob - Dilly is very sweet looking even if she is sitting
on your head. Is she a spy too? Thank you for telling us how to tell if our bears are spies. I have quite a few and one is definitely a spy. I also have a monkey that I think might be a spy if the ear thing works for them too. What do you think?

Wondering
in Maine

S/he is, ov corse, referrin to der hewmiliating photo I published on Saturday morning wiv my little sister parked on my hed.

No, Dilly is not a spy! In fact she duzzent eevn beleev I'M wun. Wenever der subjekt comes up in our house she looks at der seeling an maykes a farting noyse throo her snowt. She wunse sed dat dere wud be less hot air in in der room if der fart woz reel an I stopped my "talk bowt spys". Well as yu can imagin, sumwun so synical cud never be a spy. Besides, she duzzent hav eny ears. (See "how to tell if yor bear is a spy".)

As fer yor monkey, yes, he may well be a spy. Der ears rool duz apply to Not-A-Bears. But yu must bear in mind (BEAR in mind! Hehehe!) dat Not-A-Bears are not as onnist an reliabol as bears an so dey mite lie abowt their spy staytus. Yu need to look out fer other synes as well, like if yu go to find dem sum days an dey're not there. Or dey suddenly appeer wiv a tan in December, wich may hint at a speshol mishon abrord. Novice spys offen forget their sun-blok.

Enyway, Wondering, now dat yu hav reveeled to der werld entire (well, not parts of China, perhaps) dat yor monkey is a spy, be on speshol alert. Remember wot I sed abowt der lisense to kill if his mishon is uncoverd.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Identifying yor Bear

Yesterday's scores:
  • Gills: no
  • Simpsons: yes
  • Tesco: yes
  • Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 6/10
  • Day Score: 8/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Now a word on identyfying yor bear:

I don't mean "Oh look! Dits my bear!" and if eny ov yu say that yor not payin enuff attenshun to yor bear an probly don't diserve to hav wun. No. I mean the ferst essenshol task of bear identyfikayshun:

is it real?

Well the method of identyfikashun of a bear's realness is so good it werks for most not-a-bears too, (you'll waste a lot of yor life if yu try it on a fish, for instance).

This is it: yu ask, HAS IT GOT KNEES? If it has, yu hav a real bear. There are a lot ov kwite convinsing lookin bears around, even in the best bear adopshun centres (or 'shops' as not-a-bears so offen insultingly call dem). Reelly they are there just to mayke up the numbers, or as decoys for we spy-bears.

> many ov deez Bears an Not-A-Bears ar real, but they are awl over-doing the Bed Rule.

(see 29/09/06 "Bear Rules" for mor on dis)

--------------------------------------




Next, how to tell if yor bear is a spy:

Obviously, we bears make exerlent spys. I mean, hoo wud suspect a bear in yor howse? Even if it haddont been there wen yu went out, yu still wuddent suspect enything. Yu'd think, ahhhh.... sumwun brort me a bear, how nyce! So there, yu see.

Well if yor bear is a spy he'll hav this wun essenshol feeture: he will alwayz hav one ear forward an one ear bak. (This means he is reddy fer awl evenchewalitys.)

A werd ov WARNING though: do NOT under eny sercumstanses try to get yor bear to tell yu HOO he is a spy FOR. If yu catch him off gard, or do tickle torcher, an he tells yu, HE WILL HAFF TO KILL YU.

Got that? Ok.

I think my diary should go online...


HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Let me introduse my selff. I am Bob T. Bear esq. I am a smoll brown lokwayshus bear. I liv in Colster, wich iz a big town in Essix. I was born in Chyna an an an graduaytid from spy school in 2002. Here is a pikchur ov me an sum frnds on our graduashun day:

I'm der hansum wun on der ryte.

Yu can see our graduayshun badges cleerly. We got rid ov der sissy bows layter on arfta our gests had gon home.

I will tell yu a bit abowt my lyfe sinse den layter, but let me jus show yu wot 4 yeers ov beein hugged duzz to yer fur:

sad, issont it?>>>>

Hey ho, dits awl part ov der job. Ov wich I will tell yu mor tomorro.