Sum jokes to keep yu warm

Yesterday's scores:

• Gills: yes, we playd Rochdale (full nayme: Dale Ov Stinkin Wretches) an we wer winnin but then they eekwalized so it waz 1 all in the end, the cheetin scum.
  
• Simpsons: yes!
• Tesco: no
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 9/10
• Day Score: 7.62981/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

Well it haz fynerlly got cold rownd heer! At the weekend we had snow. It settold for a wile but by the end ov Sunday arfternoon it waz all gon. I waz WELL mifft abowt this, as I wantid to get owt an play in it, an if I haddent had to go to cherch wiv Daddy (unlike serten gerls rownd heer I cud talk abowt, hoo lie arownd in bed all Sunday mornin bein pagans) I wud hav had a charnse to go an mayke a few snowballs. NO FAIR!

Enyway. I mannidged to get sum fotoes for sooveneers at leest. I took theez wuns from my bedroom windo.

View ov the bak garden from my bedroom windo. Brrrr!!!!! (I think Mummy shud hav put the washin line away, don't yu? Heheheh!)

A shivery dove...

Blakberds in the snow, eetin under the berd-taybol. Daddy rusht owt an gayve them extra treets arfter I took this. He did a mixcher ov froot, seed, oats, bred an fat, an wizzd it up in a food masher masheen so it waz all crums. They luvd it!

Anuther cheeky chappy tryin to keep warm.

Brrrrrrrrr!!! On sekund thorts, maybe it waz just as well I dident get to go owt thare!!

Wun thing that keeps yu warm is larfter, so I hav gatherd a few jokes for yu today. I hope yu mannidge to chukkol yorselfs a bit warmer!

• Q: Wat do yu call a donkey wiv ownly 3 legs? A: A wonky
• Q: Wat mayde the octopus larf? A: His ten tickles
• Q: Wat do yu call a deer wiv no eyes? A: No idea!
• Q: Wat do yu call a donkey wiv 3 legs an 1 eye? A: A winky wonky
• Q: 12 cats on a boat, wun jumps owt, how menny left on the boat?
  
• A: None, they wer copycats!
• Q: Wat do yu call a deer wiv no eyes an no legs? A: Still no idea!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope they warmd yu up a bit, but if this diddent werk, try dubbling up on yor underpants. Wa-heyy! Thare's nuthin like a kwodroopol gusset to warm yer cockles!!!!!!

Bye fer now!

Teething habits

Yesterday's scores:

• Gills: no
• Simpsons: yes
• Tesco: no
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 10/10 hooray!
• Day Score: 8/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

I've had an enquiry abowt my teeth, from Beth, in Missouri. First nails, now teeth. Hmmm... I'm beginning to wonder if she is checkin me over to match me up wiv sumwun...

Enyway, she writes:

Are you a good bear and brush your teeth daily? My little
granddaughter (addie) wanted to ask you that. She also asked if you have a special
toothbrush because she has a Little Mermaid toothbrush...

Donna! Onnistly! Arsking a Bear if he's good is like arsking a skunk if he smells. OK not the best comparison but yu get the idea. Or COURSE I'm good. An I hav to luk arfter my teeth or I wuddent be abol to eat Choklit Peanuts.

Addie's toothbrush sownds like wun Dilly wud like. I do have my own, as it happens, an yes, it is very speshol becos it featchures the lovley Lisa from The Simpsons. Heer's a pic ov me waiting owtside the bathroom for mummy to stop faffing arownd with face masks an stuff. (She duzz that becos of spots, but I keep telling her, they don't werk fer long: soon as she takes them off yu can see the spots agen.)

Photo: Onnistly, women! They shud leave a bench owtside the bathroom for the queue to sit on.

Here's a better shot of my deliteful toothbrush:

Photo: Ahhhh the luvley Lisa. She's luvley, yu know....

On ferst inspekshun it might seem rarther large fer a Small Bear. But I yews it as a normal brush, most of the time, for my fur, and then just nibble at the end wiv my teeth. Then I hav a kwick gargle wiv Ginger Ale an that's me dun. If ownly Mummy's ablushons wer as fast.

Speaking of ablushons, Daddy went to church tonight. Wunce a year they go on a Thirsday night an 12 of them get their feet washed. I arsked Daddy if they got him this year, but they didn't. So we'll hav to wait another 12 months for his feet to get washed. Mum sed that was sgusting. Girls can be soooo fussy.

Bye fer now!

Sundays

Yesterday's scores:

• Gills: no
• Simpsons: no
• Tesco: no. But we did go fer a nice walk in sum woods, so I did a poo.
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: too bizzy avoiding other Bears hoo were keen on April Fool jokes... /10
• Day Score: 7/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!
Let me tell yu sumthing bout our Sunday rooteen. Me an Daddy get up an go to Dance Skool. He calls it "Church". Mummy an Dilly stay in bed cos they're heathens.
Enyway, at Dance Skool, Daddy sits wiv the other peopol hoo wear glasses, in a littol groop. He plays the floot an they play things like gittars an clarinets an stuff. They do this to get out of singing.

There's a bloke up the frunt in a dress, sept Daddy sez it issent a dress, an duzzent like me calling it that. But I say it TIS a dress. It goes over the hed and hangs down an duzzent tuck in enywhere. Ergo, dress. (Like Dilly sez abowt Whales being fish: "Look like fish, swim in sea: FISH!")

Dilly's WHALES-ARE-FISH equation:

look like fish + swim in sea = fish

I sit on wun ov the benches wiv everybody else. Lots of peopol bring their Bears wiv them. There's a thin padded plank in frunt of each of the benches an this is for us Bears to dance along, up an down during the songs.

At wun point, sum old peopol come around wiv swag bags an mug yu fer yor pocket money. I put a shiney penny in, yewsually, or else the old women give yu a Hard Stare. But I don't on the days wen it's ownly Theory, i.e. no songs. I begrudge paying them then, an so I hide under the bench wen they come rownd. (Occaysionally I'll stay there, if I meet another Bear under there, an we do some good chatting. )

Enyway, near the end, everywun goes up to the bloke in the dress for a wafer. I don't go cos I'm ownly small an might get crushed in the rush.

Then we come home, an I go an jump all over Mummy an Dilly, hoo will still be in bed, an Daddy brings us awl tea an biccies.

That's our yewsual rooteen, an yestaday it was the same, sept we were all given bits of reed to wave about. Next week is Eesta so we get extra songs followed by Choklit fer good behaivyour.

Well it issent mind-blowing stuff, I know. Just thort yu'd like to know a bit about wat we do on Sundays, cos let's face it, it can get pritty dull. Even the birds in the garden this morning were yawning, an looking around for a cat to torment jus fer sumthing to do. Mummy dug up bushes on wun side of the garden an plarnted them on the other. An Dilly fell asleep watching repeats of CSI. If yor not careful, yu cud end up chewing yor own fut off!

Bye fer now!

Weekend Report

Weekend's scores:

• Gills: yes. We was robbed.
• Simpsons: no
• Tesco: no
• Nose Hugs Surprizisity Score: 9/10
• Weekend Score: 6/10

HULLO NOT-A-BEARS!

We went to Granny's an listened to the football on the car radio. Gillingham scored just as we were going over the bridge to the Isle of Sheppey. Wa-heyy!

But then Scunthorpe (full name SCUMthorpe Cheating Cheaters) got 3 goals so we were robbed. Again.......... Sumtimes I wonder if bringing me up a Gills fan isn't a symptom of inherent sadism on Daddy's part.

Scooter the cat is still wobbly, except fer wen he trys to get in throo the catflap, at wich point he stops wobbling, stuck halfway in and halfway out. He eventually gets round this by gripping the doormat with his claws and then pulling himself indoors.

We think it's cos Granny has to hide his medsin pills in cheese, or he won't eat them.

That's all.

Oh, an me an Daddy wer sodukoing so much we missed Church. Well, we all did, sept Mummy an Dilly don't go anyway: they're heathens.

Bye fer now!