yawn...

I've never been a super huge fan of hardcore exercise, but I've never been too keen on being a total couch potato. Walking and slow jogging, dancing, and weight lifting were great for me. Running, though? Nope!

When my health went south, so did exercise. The chronic pain and other medical problems made it really hard to find any sort of balance, and reluctant couch potato became a standard for a long time. I'd try and do the things I liked to do, but I'd end up in bed for days recovering. That is, until I found yoga. For almost a year, I was able to do yoga sessions at home every day. Then it all changed when the pain became so debilitating that I could barely walk. And so, as some know, I had surgery!

Because of the surgery and long recovery, I haven't been able to do much in the form of physical movement. For several weeks, the most I could do was take a shower before collapsing back into bed. Now that I've started feeling quite a bit better, I decided to try some type of exercise so that my muscles don't totally atrophy. That's more worrisome to me right now than weight gain, seeing as my jeans are actually quite a bit bigger on me than they were back in March.

I didn't want to hurt myself or push my body too hard, so I recently got back into yoga exercises (and by recently, I mean about two hours ago). Here are some things I forgot about this form I like so much:

1. I have not been nor shall I ever be as flexible as I am in my dreams -- because I do dream about being able to do incredible feats worthy of Elastigirl in the Pixar film The Incredibles.

2. Relaxing my neck is ridiculously difficult!

3. A yoga mat is probably a good investment, one which I should have made a long time ago but have never gotten around to doing.

4. Every time I finish a session, I'm suddenly exhausted and feel like I could sleep for hours. In fact, I'm reminded of how often I've fallen asleep at the end of a routine -- 'cause it happened today.

5. 40 minutes goes by incredibly fast when I'm not timing laps at the gym. I like this way better.

Now, if you'll excuse me. I'm going to go study for finals -- and by that I mean I'm going to take a nap, because I can barely keep my eyes open!

sigh...

I feel so fat.

Now, hear me out, hear me out.

I honestly have gained weight in the last six months. I've been trying to do more to manage it. Eat better (or eat in general), get more sleep, drink lots of water. The hardest part for me has been exercise.

Not for lack of trying. It's not that I don't exercise. It's that when I do, I end up stuck on my couch for two or three days because of the pain that follows.

Take today, for example. I had plans to clean the entire house from top to bottom, you know, to get it ready for when Chels comes home tomorrow. I had plans to bake cookies for her and Jeff, to welcome her home. I was going to go out for another half hour of interval training.

Nope.

I can barely walk -- I can barely even sit down.

And so, I'm sitting in my too tight jeans on the couch, doing homework while watching Cake Boss (because it's freakin' amazing how they make those cakes and I love it), trying not to curse myself and everything else out of frustration.

Because cursing doesn't help anything.

Does anyone have any ideas about how to get some exercise that doesn't leave me useless for days? Here's what I've tried so far:
yoga (yeah -- even that hurts -- :P )
walking
interval training
water aerobics
dance (of many kinds)

I'm going to try and bake cookies now. Yay!

:/...

I don't know why I feel like this, but I don't like it and it won't go away. Each time I try to talk about it, or to ask for help. I chicken out and change the subject to something random, like how the higher the percentage of cacao there is in a bar of chocolate, the louder it snaps when you break it, meaning that the chocolate is richer. That one got me a really weird look once. Or something really obvious, like if you put a piece of ice in your mouth, your tongue will get cold. Another (deservedly) weird look. I don't know why it is so hard to ask for help. Just to ask.

Sometimes I can keep busy enough to keep it...whatever it is...away, and I don't think about it. It's like I'm able to stop feeling and thinking for a little while and just keep moving, working, doing, being. Then when I stop to catch my breath (or try to sleep) it all comes pouring back into my mind. Fear, sadness, loneliness, and the worst of it, anger. Half the time I wish someone would ask me what's wrong just so I could scream at them to shut up and leave me alone. Which is completely ridiculous and unfair, and I'd probably never do that anyway. The other half of the time I wish someone would just hold me and let me cry. Which is also completely ridiculous. I stopped letting people (or at least boys) do that back in the spring. Causes problems, or at least it has for me.

Unfortunately I can't blame all of this on PMS or any other excuse like that because it happens all the time. I suppose we could pin it on depression, which does tend to rear its ugly head even higher near the end of August. Or as a couple of family members have said, it could be due to an attachment to a friend who I am trying very hard not to attach myself to anymore (ha). The idea that a friendship is influencing me like this is an idea that I don't like, and I'm REALLY hoping it's not a factor...so for now I'll stick with the first probable cause. Guess it's time to get back to work on being happy. Weight room, here I come! Unless the creepy guy is in there again...then the track will have to do.