Crocodile Tears

Wailing away the minutes, the days, the hours,
Crying in rhythm - to your own beat -
Of "no regret";
Asking for help of people and of the Powers -
Stocking your prey,
Checking your traps,
Weaving your net.

Nature is honest. People are blind and stupid.
After the kill, the crocodile has to cry.
Animals know - the beast
Is overcome by neither sadness, nor pain, nor cupid, -
He's digesting his meal.
He does not need help.
Don't even try.

This has just "ran out" of me after about 30 minutes of thinking. It is not finished - I know it could use more work - but I like it, so I decided to show it. I have not been writing much - except for in my diary. This is the second thing I have written since the attack six years ago.

Until next time,
 

Stitching Time, Summer Time

Well, it looks like I am going to have my first actual day off tomorrow. I do need it: for the past two days, I've been falling asleep practically right after coming back from work. Which meant - I have been neglecting my cross-stitch project. I am sooo close to finishing it... It's a Celestial Lady with the Zodiac Signs all around her. I am going to try and take a picture.
With the summer vacation, my children have acquired the ability to attract mud and dirt at a distance; it seems that no matter how often they shower, they still manage to stay dirty. Oh well, maybe that's what summer is for. For children, anyway. I don't remember - I have not been a child for a long time. For me, summer is the time when I work just as much as during the rest of the year, but also try to accomodate for some "educational" and fun trips for the whole family. As a result, your schedule becomes twice as busy as usual, and, well, that means - the Celestial Lady lays unfinished.
I am going to try and finish her by the end of summer.

Not Like Them

I am not like them. I am not fat. I am not ugly. I do not say ugly things. I always do the right thing. I always try. I try to take care of my responsibilities. My responsibilities are my family. My family is most important in my life. My life is full. Full of responsibilities. Full of work. Full of plans.

I plan to take care of bills. I plan to take care of debt. I plan to move. I plan.

They do things. They cheat on their spouses. They get pregnant. They abandon their children. They get drunk. They get stoned. They make mistakes. They get taken care of. They go to Las Vegas. They go to LA. They do. I plan.

They feel. They feel loved. They feel close. They feel forgiven. They feel right.

I am. I am alone. I am separated. I am judged. I am wrong.

I long. I long for closeness. I long to forget. Forget my plans, my duties. I long to do something once without consideration, without thought, on pure instinct; get drunk and give in to a stranger for a moment of pleasure, moment of closeness, moment of thoughtlessness.

The morning after I will wake up. I will wake up with myself. I will be judged. I will be separated. I will be wrong.

They do. I plan. They feel. I am. They get taken care of. I take care. They live. I long...

The Nicest Person He Ever Met

Why me? Because you are the nicest

Person I ever met, - he says. - After Grandma.

He must have misspoken, I think. I am

The vicious enforcer, I come from

The land of "No," I never

Let him do what he wants, I always

Make him do what he has to. At dinner, I 

Holler at them: " Put your feet

Down! Sit up 

Straight!" Each evening, I check their

Homework, backpacks, reading, showers. 

I used to think that being mom means 

Giving them hugs and kisses

 Holding them when they are sad,

Being happy when they  are happy. Now

The main thing seems to be 

Telling them what to do, checking, and

Hoping that

Some day it will

 Make a difference.