Google Search of the Day - 7/24/08

After several days without one of these posts, I ran across a brand new search string that has led to hits on our blog several times lately. This one was not in the list the last time I checked a few days ago, so it has resulted in 11 hits in a relatively short period of time.

Google search of the day:

"i seriously got a biglaw job offer because of my breast implants"

I could not make this shit up. Congratulations. You are a whore in every sense of the word. You are the reason men are convinced that attractive women take a significant portion of biglaw jobs simply because they are attractive females. You are the reason hot girls in the bottom 5% of the class are still seen interviewing for the most lucrative associate positions and prestigious clerkships with horny old judges. You use your newly perky and unnaturally large double-Ds on your 110-pound frame to game your way into the legal market like other people use a resume and cover letter. You don't see anything wrong with using the body god (and your plastic surgeon) gave you to your professional advantage. Soon, you will sleep your way to partner at your new firm in record time. I hope you enjoy throwing your ankles into the air while old guys put it in you and motorboat those implants. At least have the decency to get on top. That's the whole point of breast implants anyway, right?

All of that is not to say that I find women with breast implants attractive. On the contrary, I prefer the boobies on my women to be natural rather than fake, rigid, and pointed.

Summer Job Analogy Part 2 - Ford Escort or Geo Metro?

Second Half - State AG's Office

Enter the second half of the summer. I am currently clerking for the Attorney General's office in my home state. Things are a bit different here. In my car analogy, working for the AG's office is a 1987 Ford Escort or perhaps a Geo Metro.

Unpaid Clerkships - Are the Resume Builders and Rec Letters Worth It?
The clerkship is unpaid, which I'm guessing might be the usual situation for AG clerkships in most states. I think the officials justify the unpaid aspect of the clerkship by telling themselves (and us) that clerks gain "invaluable experience that you can't get anywhere else." Perhaps that is true, but not getting paid still sucks. It feels a little bit like being slave labor for law review, but at least we earn credit hours for that particular brand of torture. I was aware of the unpaid nature of the clerkship in advance, so I suppose I can't complain too much.

At the end of the clerkship, I theoretically will have something nice to put on my resume and some decent rec letters from people in the office, so at least there's some payoff. I wonder if the resume building aspect is even equal to what I would get from working at one of the private firms I had to turn down because I accepted this position early. I suppose it depends on which type of work I want to do, which is government anyway, so perhaps this position will work out in my favor. Look at that, I bet you didn't know I could have an optimistic thought!

The Politics of AG Offices - Surely It's Not Just a Southern Thing
This place exudes the politics of the Christian right and the good ol' boy network. I can't swing a dead cat without hitting someone who is talking about how excited he is to witness an execution or how she loves working for an office that promotes "good Christian family values." I consider myself "conservative"--although some would disagree--but not THAT type of conservative. I expected to encounter this political climate in the AG's office, but I'm not sure I was really prepared for it. Toto, I've a feeling we're not in Austin anymore. Actually, the Texas AG is probably the same (or worse?) in the political arena, so perhaps this is also standard for AG offices, particularly in the South. I realize that attorneys who work for AG offices tend to be a little more politically conservative than most, but I think it has to be worse here than the majority of states.

State Agencies Are NOT Always Underfunded...Nevermind, I Forgot What State I'm From and Our Insane Tax System
This place is either woefully underfunded, horrendously mismanaged, or both. The IT department is straight out of 1999. The computers are running Pentium III processors with monitors reminiscent of the Apple II days. At least the monitors and processors function correctly most of the time. I admit I'm a bit snobbish when it comes to computer technology, but I don't think it's asking too much for offices to upgrade roughly every ten years. The average law student's laptop is roughly three times as powerful as these machines.

Not only do law clerks not get their own desks (I'm not talking offices or cubicles here, I mean DESKS), there aren't enough ancient computers to go around. We have to fight over the few computers that are in the "computer lab" (eight computers) and the office library (two computers). There are twenty clerks working in this office during the second half. A quick calculation shows that exactly half the clerks can simultaneously use a computer. Someone double check my simple addition and division.

Again, I don't necessarily expect them to set each of us up with a brand new commercial grade workstation and a laptop to match, but seriously...it's time to spring for the Pentium IVs or even newer processors and some extra RAM so we can simultaneously run more than Internet Explorer and two Word documents. Checking my e-mail has never been this difficult.

In Soviet Russia, Internet Browse YOU
There is also an Internet filter that reminds me of the one I encountered at the rural public high school I attended for two years. It blocks most sites that might POTENTIALLY display "offensive" content. The definition of "offensive" is extremely broad in this office as one might imagine. Facebook, all video game-related sites, and the BBC website (too objective/liberal?) are blocked. It's not like I want to waste away the entire day on the internet, but it would be nice if I could check my usual forums over lunch or read some relatively unbiased news on occasion. However, in an astounding stroke of good luck, the filter does not block this blog. I am surprsied it doesn't filter all the widely-used blog sites considering there is a LOT of porn out there on personal blogs. In my opinion, they should stop spending money on web filter software and start spending it on paying clerks and buying new (and more) computers.

The Obligatory Shitty Parking
The only non-metered, non-2 hour limit parking available to clerks is a 10-15 minute walk from the office. Keep in mind that this is a small city (very small by most standards), so there is no reason to expect to walk many blocks to work like one would expect in New York, LA, DC, etc or pay much for parking. My commute from home to the parking lot, and thus the area near the State House, takes 10-15 minutes. In other words, the walk from the parking lot doubles my commute time. Granted, a 20-30 minute total commute isn't bad at all in most places, but it's a lot considering the size of the city and the length of the drive.

The extremely short commute was supposed to be one of the few benefits of working here. Dammit, I'm counting those minutes spent walking as work time. I should start bringing tennis shoes to work and think of the walk as exercise instead of a foot-blistering journey in dress shoes and a suit in the 95 degree heat at the end of the day. Alas, I am a pessimist, so I will stick with the foot-blistering aspect of the walk. At least some of the attorneys in the office have to park out there too.

Anticipated Responses From Our Wonderful Readers

You're Working at an AG's Office, What Did You Expect?

Well, I expected some of the things listed above to be better here even if the problems still existed. I suppose it's an issue of degree for most of this stuff. In particular, the computer situation and parking problems are probably the most annoying because they weren't as foreseeable as the other issues. I think a lot of the problems in this office are the result of funding issues stemming from this state's reliance on a state sales tax as the government's primary source of income. Sales taxes are highly vulnerable to economic trends, so when the economy is down, so is the state budget. A case in point: I bet the only reason we have Pentium III machines instead of original Commodores is that the economy was doing well in the early 2000s just after the Pentium IIIs were released.

AG's Offices Are Filled With Ultra-Conservative Nutcases. Did You Not Realize This, You Fucking Moron?

I know, I stated in the earlier paragraph that AG office attorneys tend to be more conservative than most. Read the post before you judge me for bitching.

How Can You Whine About a 30 Minute Commute? My Commute Is 17 Hours Each Way In 175 Degree Heat In a Car Without AC

That this city is tiny with very little traffic and that I live roughly six miles away means it should take me 10 minutes to get to work. This means I should be able to roll out of bed at 7:35 and still look presentable while making it to work by 8 AM. If I was working in NY or DC, I wouldn't complain because a 30 minute commute would be miraculous. It's all relative.

An Analogy for My Summer Jobs - Acura RSX

First Half - Office of General Counsel, Austin TX
As some of you know, I clerked for the Office of General Counsel for the U. of Texas System during the first half of the summer. Even though it is a state agency, they paid me a reasonable hourly wage, although not nearly what I would have made at most private firms, and the office was nice and well-organized. Each clerk had an individual cubicle with a new computer, there were free sodas and coffee in the office, and we had lunches at least once or twice a week funded by the office or individual attorneys. The dress code was business casual, as in khakis and a collared shirt. The only reason to show up in business attire was for a court appearance. Everyone was laid back and friendly in that familiar Austin-y sort of way.



I left that clerkship with a positive outlook on government work, especially if I could find a way to get into a government job in Austin or a similar market. If I had to compare working at OGC to a type of car, it would be an Acura RSX. It wasn't a top of the line Aston Martin or Lamborghini like a BigLaw firm in a large market, but it would qualify as a reasonably nice upper middle class type of automobile in this analogy.

Finally, a Good Day

After a week of hell dealing with my student comment and dead hard drive drama, today has been absolutely brilliant. I finished my student comment during my last class, and I think it has at least a slight chance of getting published. However, I'm not going to get my hopes up too much about this one. Just finishing the damn thing removes a HUGE weight from me that has been there since last August.

My girlfriend also landed a summer job. This relieves a lot of stress from both our lives. I am also ecstatic because she will be in this state within driving distance of me during the second half of the summer. This is what happens when you get used to spending every day together.

On top of those two amazing events, it is a beautiful day outside. Upper 60's, slight breeze, clear skies, birds chirping, the works.

Disaster is coming, I just know it.

How Bad Is It...

...when you interview with a firm and receive a rejection letter three business days later? Actually, that isn't so uncommon, especially at firms with quick turnaround times.

How about this...how bad is it when you know that same firm was still interviewing people at the time you received the rejection letter? Not only that, this is the one private firm in which you were genuinely interested through two cycles of OCI and dozens of mail merged resume/cover letter combos. It's essentially like they said "we so desperately do not want to work with you that we're willing to take the chance that the ten remaining candidates we haven't met yet are just as terrible as you."

I'll analogize it to dating, which is the only convincing analogy I've heard for the job search process. It's a lot like meeting a beautiful girl at a bar (I'm a guy here, not going to use the gender-neutral terminology), getting her phone number , and going on a date with her. You hit it off, have everything in common (including some rather unusual interests and qualities), and you end the night by taking her to your place to engage in some extracurricular activities. When you get to the door, she suddenly kicks you in the shin, throws a left hook into your ribs, knees you in the face, and runs away down the street. Two weeks later, you see her out at the bar with a short, fat guy who works as a janitor at the local Denny's.

It just can't be easy, can it?

Great Moments in Career Services and OCI History

1. In the midst of spring interviews, CSO sends an e-mail to 1L's offering "opportunities" to work for free to those who have a "sense of outrage at injustice." See this post for details.

2. Phaedrus interviews with a firm from the same city that is overflowing with cheesy tourist attractions, mascots with huge foam heads, screaming children, and Imagineers. The interviewer tells Phaedrus that one of the best things about the firm is how open-minded they are. Phaedrus seizes this opportunity to score brownie (kissass) points by talking about how social justice begins with the legal profession. Phaedrus also mentions that he disagrees with his private Baptist undergrad school's reluctance to add sexual orientation to their anti-discrimination policy. The interviewer spends the next 20 minutes describing his experiences with coming out of the closet. Phaedrus furiously backpedals by mentioning his GIRLfriend (emphasis added by Phaedrus). The interviewer touches Phaedrus on the arm and says, "Oh honey, I was married for 20 years."

3. Big Corporate Firm schedules 10 minute interviews all day. The interviewer proceeds to tell all candidates that the firm "likes to interview as many people as possible," and that they're only hiring for two clerk positions. Big Corporate Firm is also interviewing students from at least two other schools that we know of. The firm sends an e-mail rejection letter to at least one candidate.

4. Big Firm #2 schedules on-campus interviews with approximately 20 students. One day before the interview date, Big Firm #2 sends the following e-mail to the Career Services Office (CSO): "We have filled our positions for next summer and will not be conducting on-campus interviews." Guy Fawkes registers the firm's address on the NAMBLA newsletter mailing list.

5. Guy Fawkes arrives for back to back interviews with Firm 1 and Firm 2 a few minutes early. An interviewer approaches Guy Fawkes and says, "We're running a little early, would you mind coming on back?" Guy Fawkes accepts because he is actually early for the interview, so it is reasonable to assume that the interviewer is from the correct firm. Immediately after finishing the interview, Guy Fawkes learns that someone didn't show for an interview with Firm 2, which is why they were running early. Guy Fawkes is mortified because he almost dropped the firm's name during the interview. Only the grace of some higher power (or for you nihilists, pure dumb luck) prevents disaster. The people with whom Guy Fawkes should have been interviewing have a good laugh at Guy's expense and get the impression that he is clueless.

6. Describing the events in #5 drives me to learn how to refer to myself in the third person so I can sound more like a tool.

7. Big Firm #1 (see supra, item 3) distributes a form letter at the end of each interview. The letter says "please do not send a thank-you note." Most candidates have trouble containing their laughter.

8. An interviewer from a small firm in a smaller city market interviews roughly 15 people without asking a single question. He spends the entirety of each 20 minute interview droning on about how wonderful it is to work for a firm without any established clients because "you never know what kind of work you'll be doing when you get to the office." Guy Fawkes understands his perspective, but thinks that isn't the best way to sell one's firm to candidates.

9. CSO e-mails for almost every job fair contain the following as the first several lines (scaled down so it doesn't dominate the post): *ATTENTION* LEGAL CAREER FAIR *ATTENTION* The substantive information in each e-mail takes up less space than the attention line.

10. A CSO employee with "Assistant Dean" in his/her job title is photographed at various bars around town while hammered and hitting on undergrads. The pictures make it to Facebook shortly thereafter.

11. Much-beloved CSO employee inexplicably quits the job. It is rumored that she found a large amount of porn on another employee's computer, prompting her abrupt departure (see supra, item 10). This rumor is unconfirmed by the blog contributors, but somehow, it's not surprising.

The Small Joys of Law School

Direct quote from a career services e-mail sent out today:

"LSLA invites applications for four volunteer full time summer law clerk positions for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to do legal work with poor people in Texas on Galveston Island.

Compensation: None. Applicants are expected to obtain a grant or scholarship from their law school or public interest foundation.

The successful applicant should possess: Sense of outrage at injustice;...willingness to work beyond confines of the normal business day when required to do so and to travel when necessary"

That certainly sounds like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to me. I'm glad that someone is out there to give me the chance to work for free. Not only that, but I'm also glad I have to APPLY to work for free. In fact, that's why I came to law school. I took out thousands of dollars in loans and put myself through the ninth circle of hell so I could work for nothing. I have news for organizations that solicit law students to volunteer to help poor people: LAW STUDENTS ARE POOR PEOPLE.

I think I might make a good applicant because I possess a strong sense of outrage at injustice. For instance, I am outraged that competent, intelligent, personable law students can't get summer jobs because their classmates who already have pre-arranged jobs take on-campus interview slots "for practice." I am also outraged that my undergraduate degree and year of legal education will be put to excellent use over the summer...waiting tables. I am also willing to work beyond the confines of normal business hours; hell, I do it every day. In fact, I am quite accustomed to putting in serious overtime doing legal research, preparing for class, and making outlines. Indeed, I believe I am uniquely qualified for this position.

Top 10 Names for the Law School Summer Hiring Process

1. Resume Roulette
2. "Diversity Initiative"
3. Spring Pledge Hazing
4. Smug Suit Convention
5. Interviews Matter More Than Gra...BWAHAHAHA
6. Bullshit
7. Arbitrary Corporate Fellatio
8. Return of the High School Resume Whores
9. A Modern Tragedy: The Rape of Overdeveloped Self-Esteem
10. The Wasteland