Tears for My Mommy

Right now, I'm not feeling the hurt and anger I've felt for so many years...my whole life...over the way my mother treated me.  Instead, I weep.  No. I sob!  Over what is happening to her.  Over the loss of my mommy.  Dementia is evil!  It's horrible!  It's mean!  I hate what it is doing to her.  It's not fair for her to lose her mind like this.  It's so painful for those of us that love her!

I woke up this morning and just started sobbing about this.  I'm writing this through blurry, tear filled eyes, with momentary stops to sob and grab a tissue.  It's interesting how things are changing...

I've gone from hurt and anger over how our relationship has always been; how she never seemed happy with me; how negative she's always been...to, now, where all I see is this tiny woman who needs us.  She's sad.  She's afraid.  And, she truly needs us to help guide her, keep her from getting lost, help her make decisions, help her to make sense out of simple tasks like choosing something from a menu and ordering at a restaurant.

She's moving from her anger stage to realizing that her mind is changing.  That's very hard for her and she's been crying a lot.  I can only begin to imagine what it would be like in her shoes.

She's given up on getting her driver's license back.  I know that must have been so hard for her.  But, it's a good thing because it's safer and we won't worry about her losing her way.

My dad says she still has moments of anger and she rants.  The rants are mostly about me and things that she's dreamed up that aren't true.  But, I think...I hope, those moments are becoming less angry and less often.

She was getting so angry that my dad would tell me to just stay away as to avoid making it worse. However, staying away didn't seem to be helping.  So, I've started going over there more.  I've been taking her clothes shopping and then picking my dad up and going out to lunch with them.  The time together is allowing me to see how much more she's changed than I even realized.

I've been taking her clothes shopping because she's lost so much weight that her clothes are huge on her.  Not to mention, very outdated.  On our first shopping trip, she insisted that she was a size 8-10. I really felt she was more like a four or six but she insisted.  So, we pulled larger sizes and she tried them on.  They were huge!  I started bringing her things in smaller and smaller sizes until a pair of size six pants fit.  When she's in clothes that actually fit, it's amazing how tiny she is and those size six pants are a bit loose.  She could possibly wear things even smaller.  Below her waistline, she's probably about a size two.  And, she's barely five feet tall.  So, she's very tiny.

We found one pair of pants on the first outing and she seems to be enjoying having something that fits.  She's been wearing them a lot.  And, she seems to enjoy the compliments she's gotten from my dad about how nice they look on her.

We went shopping again yesterday.  She went straight to the larger sizes again.  I just started pulling smaller sizes and she eventually joined me in that search.  It was interesting that when we went into the fitting rooms that she started changing without closing the door.  I reached in and closed it for her.  After showing me the first thing she tried on, she left the door open again and it seemed better to just let it stay that way than to keep asking her to step aside so I could close it.  There was no one else in the area we were in.  So, I figured it was fine.  But, it was interesting that it seemed like privacy never crossed her mind.  We only found one pair of pants yesterday.  I guess we'll eventually have a new wardrobe for her.  It just may take a while.  But, it gives us a reason to get together and something to do.  And, I'm hoping that nice, new, well fitting, updated clothes will give her a lift.

Through our time together the past few weeks, I'm noticing how her mind has changed so much more than I even realized.  She repeats more than before.  And, she also seems to get a little confused or lost in more situations than before.  Those times seem to require a little gentle guidance to help her through.

What is happening to my mom is hardest on her, I'm sure.  But, it's so incredibly hard for my dad.  He's cried a lot of tears lately.  However, they've decided to move onto my brother's property and that seems to have given my dad a huge lift.  He's planning projects to work on there and making lists.  It's great to see him excited about it.  It'll be nice for them to be close to my brother in case they need help.  And, it will be nice for them to be closer to their doctors and medical facilities.  They're currently about forty miles from the hospital and doctors on their insurance plan.

I find it interesting how I've gone from feeling so hurt about how my relationship with my mom has always been and how badly she's always talked about me, to feeling so sad for her and just needing to care for and help her.  I have always appreciated the many things I learned from my mom growing up but I'm appreciating them more than ever before.   Even the tiniest of things...like how to thread a needle or set the table.

I've always loved her even though I often wondered if she loved me.  But, now, I'm starting to find ways to see beneath the things she says and does to see that she probably loves me too.  I'm grasping those little revelations and holding onto them with all my might! And, I'm trying to cherish every moment I have with her, even though those moments can be hard. I love my mommy!

Lucky Lettuce

Our brown thumbs just might be turning green....maybe!  Or, we just got lucky!  We have somehow managed to grow lettuce!  We're not the best at gardening and we've never had any luck with lettuce...until now!  Every time we planted lettuce in the past, nothing came up.  This time, it's not only coming up, it seems to be thriving!  We had a salad for dinner from OUR garden!

Here's our harvest for the evening...

We even had some beet greens that we picked and added to it.  We were going to try adding some radish greens as I read that they're even more nutritious than the radishes themselves.  But, they were spiny and it turns out it's best to use young, non spiny leaves.  So, we'll try that another time.

The lettuce is growing so fast that we're going to need to eat a lot of salad in the near future!

For anyone who's following along about my mom...here's the latest...

She passed her driving test.  Sigh!  But, I've heard it's common for that to happen and that it may not be until a person gets lost, in an accident, or has a scare that they're willing to stop driving.  A doctor needs to sign off on it for her to keep her license.  She was able to get a doctor to extend it for six weeks but she'll need further evaluation by a gerontology doctor to see if she can keep her license.  That appointment is scheduled for mid-March.  That's good news because she may willingly go to that doctor appointment now.  Before this, we weren't quite sure how we were going to get her there as she has been very adamant about not needing to go.  I just hope the doctor sees what we see...that it's not safe for her to drive now.

Thank You!

I want to thank everyone who took the time to read my last post.  Especially to all those who took the time to leave such thoughtful, caring, and supportive comments!  You've helped me so much!  I've learned a lot and found out that many of us are going through or have gone through very similar situations.  I feel like I'm in a totally different place mentally and emotionally because of all of you!

I really struggled with whether or not to post last week about what I was dealing with.  I had no idea if anybody would be interested or or if I'd even hear from anyone.  It turns out that I didn't need to worry.  In fact, the response was amazing!  I'm stunned by how many people I've heard from and at how long and thoughtful the comments are.  I not only received comments on my blog and my Facebook post but I also through private messages on Facebook, emails, texts, phone calls, and people at my stitch group gathering who talked with me about it.  I've learned a lot and I feel more connected and supported more than ever before.  It's incredible!

It really lifted me up to have so many people tell me that they saw me as a positive, caring, and good person.  And, that they were surprised at what I'd been through as a child.  Hearing that others look at me in such a positive light helps to melt away some of that pain and slow down all those memories that tend to replay over and over in my head.  Thank you...thank you...thank you!

One thing I love the most about what's come from posting about my situation is how others are now feeling like they're not alone.  And, how many of us are now supporting one another through this chapter of our lives.  It really is surprising how many people had similar situations growing up and at how many are going through similar things to what I am now.  It's so much better going through these things together!  We will get through this!

One of the comments that touched me the most was a message on Facebook.  Her mother was unkind when this person was growing up and her mom only continues to get worse.  My post moved her to tears and she thanked me for putting into words what she'd felt her whole life.  Wow!  That's powerful!  I had no idea that my post could have done that but I'm so grateful that it did.

Again, thank you all so much for your love and support!  It means more than words can say!