Father Into Thine Hands No. 2

Good Friday is the most meaningful time of the church calendar for me. Last year I wrote about it and because the meaning has not changed I would like to share it with you again.

http://circlingmyhead.blogspot.com/2008/03/father-into-thine-hands-i-commend-my.html

Love Renee xoxoxo

*artwork by Chris Gollon

God Versus His Representatives

I have many thoughts and journal entries on God. God this and God that, and I believe this and I believe that.

I am not going to list or write about all of them here, because they would fill up too many pages. But I am going to write some here and some there and some now and some later. Some will be what I believed then and some are what I believe now and some will be what pops into my head just in the second I am writing. Some are old and some are new and some are a mixture of the both time periods.

You will see that as I go on in these various posts about God that I believe everything and I believe nothing.

And if you catch me in contradictions (just like the sentence above) that is fine and you can feel free to point them out to me. I am full of contradictions just like the Judea-Christian bible; but I do not proclaim that I am God’s word on earth.

Today on my pulpit I thought I would talk about God (spirituality) versus his representatives (organized religion).

God reminds us that we are all one; one with him and one with each other. Representatives teach division, disunity, and separation which are all the opposite of God. God teaches us unconditional love while representatives teach us love is conditional for only those that are like-minded. Representatives gave us the crusades, jihads, and told us it was right to slaughter others in God’s name. God teaches us to honour the rights and beliefs of others. Representatives teach us that the world’s indigenous peoples are savages that must be saved. God teaches love, peace, unity, and harmony. Representatives teach us that wars are justified and therefore have participated in mass killings on a grand scale.

God teaches us that he is within while representatives teach that he is in Heaven and that the only way to connect with him is to let them be our intermediary. God says we are born in innocence while representatives say we are born in sin. God teaches us to have faith in ourselves and the representatives would have us have faith in them. God says ‘we’ have all the answers and that by going within ‘we’ can find them. Representatives teach us that only it has the answers and to get them ‘we’ must go outside of ourselves and look to them.

God says that we are free to make choices on our own and that we must take personal responsibility for our actions. Representatives say that we must follow their choices and act their way. God is unconditional love; yet representatives teach us guilt and fear. God leads us to him to lighten our burden and ease our pain. Representatives would have us fear God’s wrath unless we have given the prescribed sacrifice. God teaches that we are made in his image and that we should not be ashamed of who we are or who we love. Representatives have taught us to be ashamed, guilty and to feel dirty especially if we love someone of the same sex. God teaches that we should not be ashamed of our sexuality; that it is a celebration of love. Representatives try to enforce laws such as Proposition 8 in California.

God teaches us to respect all living things and to honour the earth. Representatives pay lip service to living things and the earth. God does not require us to make monetary donations to him; while the representatives have become big business.

God teaches us that we are free to choose our own path to God. Representatives’ command that we follow their path and that if we choose not to, we will never see God. God teaches us to search for universal truths and to open our hearts and listen; listen to our hearts and they will tell us when we have found the truths. Representatives teach us that we have no choice but to accept their truth. God teaches us that there is no Hell, no judgment and no angry God. Representatives teach that there is a hell, we will be judged, and that if we don’t follow their path we will meet up with an angry God.

God has taught me that I am on a long spiritual journey and that when my physical body dies my spirit will move on and be reunited with my other (my source); my God whom I love. Representatives teach that we have one life to live or many lives but until we get it right there will be nothing for us but Heaven or Hell.

I am off the pulpit now, but having said all this, I still appreciate the representative that I was raised with. The Catholic Church was my representative and I like many things about it. I love the pomp and ceremony. I love the Catholic mass and all the rituals it entails. When I die I want a complete Catholic funeral with the incense and holy water and if you all feel like wailing and moaning you go right ahead.

Dude

My back has been sore all week, well now it is letting up. But my shoulders and my arms are killing me.

So, I prayed ‘Dear God, please help me.’ Then I got really quiet and listened for some love.

I felt guidance, love, and support come in, and I could tell that it was God because he spoke to me.

‘Dude,’ he said, ‘take some of your pain meds.’

Oh…….yeah……..right.

This is the word of the Lord.

Thanks be to God.

*artwork by Carol Roque

Tests/Tests/Tests

Yesterday was a day of disappointments and a day of pleasant surprises.

I had many appointments at the hospital and many tests that needed to be done. My first appointment was at 8:30 a.m. in Cancer Care for blood work. This went off without a hitch and I was able to get my PICC done at the same time.

My second appointment was at 9:00 in Nuclear Medicine where they have a PICC line nurse available for me to flush my line in my arm. I was given radiation and they accidentally sprayed me with it and told me I would have to go home and put on a different shirt or it would show up all over the bone scan. They washed my arm with two cloths and then put each cloth in a plastic bag to seal the cloths so that no one touches them.

I go out for breakfast with Jacquie and she gave me a very generous Christmas present early. It is a beautiful digital camera with a memory card and case. I love it and have already taken some pictures.

I then go visit my Mom for an hour and then I go back to the hospital for my bone scan which takes place at 12:00. I am out of there one hour later.

Jacquie drops me home.

Jacquie picks me up and takes me for my CT scan at 3:30. I am to have the scan at 4:30 but do not have it until 4:50.

If you are still with this boring diatribe of my day at the hospital you will now hear me do what I do best; whine, whine, whine all the way home.

My arm is black and blue and I have six needle marks where they were unable to get a line in for the dye I need for my CT scan.

I told the nurse that they always have trouble and where the best spot would be to poke me. She does that twice and is unsuccessful. I now have my arm in hot water so that she can have easier access to a vein. One more attempt and it does not work either. I am now told to lie on a bed and with a hot towel around my arm they try twice more in my upper arm and once in my hand. No success.

As I am lying on the bed and she is digging around for veins I keep asking God ‘please let it go in, please let it go in, please let it go in.’ When she won’t try it anymore and it won’t go in, I say ‘fuck God’. I mock myself and say ‘God won’t do anything, why are you whining to him?’

The nurse tells me that they won’t get a clear picture without the dye but that they will get a picture from the oral contrast I had to drink. This is two cups of water with iodine or something foul tasting like that.

But the point here is that I need that dye. How is the doctor going to tell me if the cancer has spread or is stable? Will she really have a good enough picture or am I going to have to repeat this test in another few weeks?

I sit down and wait. There is an elderly man across from me and I think he reminds me of my Dad, only he is not as handsome. Then I wonder if Dad is anywhere or is it just over for him. I wonder if he is anywhere, why he didn’t help get that needle in, after all I am his daughter. I start to tear up and try to get control of myself.

I have my test and the technologist proceeds to tell me how the results won’t be as good as with the dye. I know, I get it. As I am moving in and out of the machine and breathing in, holding my breath and letting go, I start crying. I have to hold my arms up over my head and it is almost impossible. I cry some more and wipe my eyes with my sleeve hoping that all the technologists aren’t noticing. Have I just wasted a day for nothing? Will this half-assed test even be any good to my doctor?

They ask if I am okay and I hear myself, and I feel my voice must be unbearable to whoever has to hear it. I gag on my words. To make matters worse I cry as I struggle to answer, and then I really can’t stand to hear myself.

I leave and Jacquie picks me up. She asks how it went and I tell her that it went good.

I get home and Flor has sent me something and I love it, I feel a bit better. I read some comments on my blog. There are two I would like to share with you, because they truly reminded me of the generosity of people and the human kindness and faith in God that made them reach out to me.

Gloria had written on a lady named Yaya’s blog: “Hi and hope all is fine. I wanted to ask you to say a prayer for Renee of circlingmyhead.blogspot.com. She is going for tests today on her cancer and of course is hope for the best results. Thanks and I appreciate it.”

Yaya writes “Hi! I come by way of Gloria’s blog. She mentioned your blog, and I can see that you are a most talented artist. I’ve breezed through some of your posts briefly, and especially enjoyed the one about Nadine. I love the way you paint a story, weaving and adorning with words which are blunt, short, and heartfelt. I too would like to share a gift, and I call it that because it is free, by grace alone. I will lift your name in prayer Renee, and I will believe, WITH YOU, that all things are possible. That where two or more gather in prayer, God is there in the midst. I will believe and confess, with you, that you will share old age with your beloved and you will hold your Grandbabies at your knee, and that faith truly does move mountains. By the grace of God, in Jesus name, Amen.”

Can you begin to imagine how much I want this to be true?

With Catholicism

“with Catholicism as the catcher, crouched down and willing to take the most punishment, giving secret signals; Baptists as the umpires, always judging who’d erred; Buddhism as the pinch hitter, who would hit a home run if he can just get up to the bat, but if he only gets to warm the bench, that’s fine too.”

~~ Lorna Landrik comparing religions to a baseball team in her book Angry Housewives Eating Bon Bons ~~

For You Are Ever With Me

God be with my Dad today as he travels through the shadow of death. Hold him up and bring him home and hold him close and kiss him and have prepared for him all of his sweetest dreams.

For you are ever with me Dad. For you held me up and brought me home and held me close and kissed me and gave me a life with all of its sweetest dreams.

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.

I do not see the road ahead of me.

I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.

And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.

I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.

And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

~~ By Thomas Merton (late Trappist monk, Catholic priest, poet, and social activist) ~~

There Is

There is a really deep well inside me. And in it dwells God. Sometimes I am there too. But more often stones and grit block the well, and God is buried beneath. Then he must be dug out again.

I imagine that there are people who pray with their eyes turned heavenwards. They seek God outside themselves. And there are those who bow their head and bury it in their hands. I think that these seek God inside.

~~ Etty Hillesum from her book An Interrupted Life. Etty was a Dutch Jew who died in Auschwitz at the age of 29. ~~

Postnote: I am looking outward and inward and thanking God because I am typing with my left hand only because sweet Josephine is sitting on my knee while her Mama is getting there passports. Actually she is not so sweet as I smell a poopie diaper.

God

One year after I was diagnosed with cancer, these were my thoughts on God.

My God that I truly believe in is incredible.

When I was a child God was what I saw in my Catholic upbringing: God was definitely a man and he looked like the pictures or statues we saw. God had brown hair and a beard and he wore a long robe with sandals, he walked or rode on a donkey.

I thought the priests and nuns were holy and I would try to touch a nuns robe so that some of her goodness would transfer to me.

When I was older, but not as old as I am now, God was less physical and more spiritual. I have always loved God and see him as pure goodness. I mostly saw God as Jesus. I love Jesus’ philosophy so much. Now I see God as separate but connected to Jesus.

I believe that God is here for all mankind and that there are many paths to God, religious or non-religious. Now for me, it is not a person’s religion that matters, but a person’s spirituality.

Now that I am sick and with cancer, I believe in God more as solace for my soul. I see the randomness of the universe and the chaos around me so much more. God did not cause me to have cancer and he can’t make me better. But the great thing is I have him with me always and he helps share my burdens.

I love God so much and I don’t know how I can ever survive what I am going through without him. God is pure compassion and I feel the compassion and God makes me feel at home. I look to God always.

I do not believe in fate. I am here now and one day I will be gone. I will always be with God. I want a life hereafter. I want my family again.

Evil is in the world, randomness and chaos, inhumanity to man; the opposite of God and compassion and light. God does not control evil, but evil is much less than God. When you have God in you, you have conquered evil.

Prayer helps me and I still say my childhood prayers. Our Father, Hail Mary, I believe in one God, Angel of God, the 23rd psalm. These are all useful to me when I am having tests and treatments; they numb me and comfort me at the same time.

God is love. I aspire to love. I have experienced the veil between heaven and earth worn thin when I saw my children for the first time, in the clouds, in a snow blizzard with Nadalene. I have not seen enough of these thin places because I was not aware enough, nor was I living in the moment. I am going to do this now, and tell the kids to look too. How amazing it is to be aware.

Religious words for me are sorry, forgiveness, love one another, do unto others, judge not, bless, God bless you, Amen.

I wrote this in my journal over a year ago when I was in the hospital getting a blood transfusion. Nadalene had taken me to the hospital because my blood was at 57. I’m surprised now that I had the energy to write anything.

You all know that my friend Andrea died on Saturday leaving her young family of six children and her husband. Andrea’s youngest child is one month older than Josephine and her oldest child just graduated high school. When Andrea said that she just wished to die because the pain was too great (and how great the pain must have been to even consider leaving her children) I sent her a small note.

Dear Andrea:

Sometimes I pray to God knowing that I won’t be healed. I just want company and to be comforted by him.

If you can’t have the healing Andrea, I want you to have the comfort.

Love Renee xoxoxoxox

When things like this happen, I want to do two things simultaneously. I want to toss God out a window and hang on to him as tight as I can. I hate him and I love him. God gives me no comfort while at the same time comforting me.

Maybe these feelings come in to play because I hang on to the childish fantasy that God will make every booboo better. While rationally I know that is not God’s role.

God and spirituality are a common theme throughout my journal entries and I am sure I will write more. I don’t have any definite answers about God I just know that we (him and I) are in constant dialogue.

The other day Wahid asked me if I had any faith. Absolutely I said. My faith is the strongest part of me and it helps hold me together. Without faith, without my version of God I would not be able to get through my life.

Well today is a love day for God. Tomorrow may be a hate day. But altogether, the dialogue will continue.

Intelligent Evolution

Last year Nathan was doing an assignment on whether or not Intelligent Design should be taught in the schools alongside Darwin’s Theory of Evolution.  I thought it was quite interesting to hear peoples’ opinions on the matter so I asked the question on Facebook.  My question was phrased “Evolution: Intelligent Design or Darwin?”

Some of the answers were:

Evolution is intelligent design.  There would be no evolution without an intelligent design.

Darwin we all evolve from something.

Duh!

A combination of both.  I think that God would be better than creating a finished product, such as man and woman.  He would be more interested in setting up a complicated set of dominos that results in what we see now, and will continue to topple to produce what will be in the future.

Neither it was all in God's plan I didn't come from a monkey.

I think it started out as Darwin but ended up being technological design.

My view reflects Robbie’s view which is the first answer above.

But to take the subject a step further and answer Nathan’s question, this is what I feel.

To place the Theory of Evolution alongside Intelligent Design in classrooms would be like teaching decision making and history alongside decision making and tarot card reading.  No doubt tarot card reading can be interesting but it is not really a useful way to interpret the world.

The idea of Creationism in a homogenized Christian form is also an extremely narrow version of the story.  There are a multitude of stories on Creationism beyond the Judea-Christian version.

Teaching Religious Studies/Theology in schools is a great idea especially considering the misunderstandings between cultures involving belief systems.  This would be a better fit to teach Creationism within.

To me it seems that most of the problems arise when people insist that their truth is the only truth.  Theology is not a replacement to Science and Science is certainly not a replacement for Theology.

Why can’t we believe in both theories, to take a quote from Robbie “Evolution is intelligent design.  There would be no evolution without an intelligent design.”

I believe in evolution with God behind the wheel.  Is the problem the story of Creation?  Can God still not have created earth but spread over thousands of years opposed to seven days?

Can we not believe both theories?

Like I always do, I get sidetracked.  After all, I once swung from trees until I learned to walk upright.

The classroom is a place of learning and I feel that the Theory of Evolution belongs in the schools.  For me it would be fine to teach Creationism within a Religious Studies course but not alongside Evolution as a science course.

Science is unable to quantify everything and therefore our need for spirituality.  There are beliefs and aspects of the world that science can answer, but there are many that science cannot.

For me though, science does answer the questions on creation.

However, the overwhelming joy I feel sometimes and my overpowering sadness I also feel are not answered by science but they are answered by God.

I am comforted medically that science is there.

I am comforted spiritually that God is here.

Father, Into Thine Hands, I Commend My Spirit

As long as I can remember being aware of Good Friday and the reason for it, it has always been the religious celebration that I like the best.  I feel completely broken down on Good Friday and completely built up.

I always liked that we couldn’t eat meat.  I always liked the Mass.  I was beside myself when Angelique and Nadalene were altar girls and served at the Good Friday Mass.  I like that my kids were raised on a diet of the soundtrack from Jesus Christ Superstar.  Wahid hated when they would whip Jesus 40 times.  One, Two, Three, Four .  .  .  .  .  .  I always like that Wahid could not stand the part where the crowd yells ‘Crucify Him, Crucify Him.’  I would be singing along ‘Crucify Him, Crucify Him’ and Wahid would always say ‘And you call yourself a Catholic.’  I’m laughing now because he seriously just hated that (he went to Presbyterian school and I think he thinks it is mocking God).

I see the defeat, but mostly I see the miracle.

I see the great love with the words “Father, forgive them, they know not what they do.”  I see the defeat in “My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?”  But mostly I see the miracle in the faith of Jesus when he says “Father into thine hands, I commend my spirit.”

My friend Flo was suffering from cancer a few years ago, and is still suffering from the fear of cancer coming back.  It was a justified suffering and it still is a justified suffering.  At the time I was visiting her and as we were talking Flo said that she gets through all of this by ‘Giving it to God.’  This was said not in a Halleluiah kinda way, which would have left me cold.  It was said in an I am at deaths’ door kinda way.  I remember thinking that is exactly where you do have to leave it.

I can’t even tell you how many times I say ‘Into thine hands, I commend my spirit.’  Now that I am looking at death instead of pretending it doesn’t exist, what I really like about this phrase the most is that Jesus isn’t saying ‘Into thine hands, I commend my body.’

The body dies, the spirit lives on.

Jesus seven last statements from the cross come from different books of the bible.  I don’t know the exact order, nor does anyone.  I love them.  I love them even more for me and the promise they give me that I will see my family once again.

"Father, forgive them, they know not what they do."

"Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise."

"Woman, behold your son."  “Behold your mother.”

“My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?"

"I thirst."

"It is finished."

"Father into thine hands, I commend my spirit."

Thank you.

Valley of Death

Angie is dying.  I am praying that you die Angie.  I know what you wanted.  Please God, if you haven't taken her yet, please take her now.

Jill and Helen if there are really pearly gates, please open them for her.

God, Angie really believes in you.  Please don't disappoint her.  

Angie, death has cast a dark cloud over you for 4 long years.  I need you to be able to see some light now, to have that dark cloud disappear.  You have suffered pain and mostly you have suffered at the thought of leaving your two beautiful boys and your wonderful husband.  These enemies have to be put behind you now.  Death is our final destination Angie and all of your strength and courage cannot overcome it.  It is here.  

The Lord is my Shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul:
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name' sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil: For thou art with me;
Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies;
Thou annointest my head with oil; My cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the House of the Lord forever.

You love God so much Angie.  Make him answer all the questions you had for him.  Let him know you weren't ready to leave your little boys.

I love you Angie.  I will miss you Angie.  I will miss all your questions.  Your never ending questions.  You are brilliant.  I love you Angie.

Dwell in the House of the Lord Angie, so that I know what door to knock on when I come to call on you to play.