Vignette - Elizabeth

If you haven't already, you should read the intro first. This colour indicates the text is directly excerpted from my journal.

I had probably seen Elizabeth quite a few times on our third floor hangout, but the first mention in my journal of her was on the Friday afternoon of March 6, 1992; I had driven Marek (a friend from the third floor group) to a few different spots on the west island. ...and then we drove by Elizabeth’s house, just to show Marek where his hypothetical girlfriend lives.

In turns out that they’d spoken with each other, committed to the relationship, but it had to be ‘on school grounds only’ because her parents were not to hear a word of it. I later found out that her parents were perhaps 20 years older than my own parents; this seemed to play a part in how dramatically over protective they were of their daughter. She was not permitted to wear pants, there was no TV in her house, she couldn’t receive (or presumably make) phone calls, and she had to go home immediately after school.

I wrote this: The reason why her parents are so restrictive, I imagine, is that Elizabeth is quite pretty, on the verge of being stunningly beautiful, and so to protect her…

Jump to early April, and Elizabeth and Marek, in her car, and a classmate of mine in my car drove into Ste-Anne’s stopped at a Couche-Tarde, and Marek decided to take a walk to the water, Elizabeth hung back with me. She said that Marek was really too quiet, and that she was a little bit tired of having to deal with someone who said, ‘uh’, when you asked them ‘how are you?’. And then she said that she liked being single at this point in her life, and so led me to the conclusion that she and Marek were no longer.

That same day, went into the evening, I was with Marek and Elizabeth; she was free to go out because her parents were away that weekend. She still needed to be covert about entering and exiting her home, because she has neighbours who have a good relationship with her parents, so they spy on her for them. We went out to eat, watched a movie, putzed around the city for a while and then I drove first Marek home, and then Elizabeth.

On the way from Marek’s house to hers, we got a chance to speak together alone for the first time (excluding those brief moments at the Couche-Tarde). We spoke of plans for university, and of life to follow.

I learned she was going to go into nursing, and was keen to move out as soon as she was done university, and work as a nurse in a different country (ie, far from her parents).

During the drive it was mostly her speaking, though I occasionally added in remarks. It was only fair, afterall, for when it was three of us, I did most of the talking, filling in gaps that otherwise make both of them embarrassed.

In mid April Elizabeth went to a Bible Studies camp in Calgary, however, her parents took the train there (and would take the train back) and she was going to fly. This meant that She had the Monday night, Tuesday and Wednesday nights, and then next week’s Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights to go out and do whatever it was she wanted to do. Each night she went out with someone different, and I am hoping that either next Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday will be my night, but I won’t get my hopes too high, for she has already had a night with me and Marek last weekend.

It didn’t turn out that I got any night with her. On one of the nights I saw her outside of the last class of my day and chatted with her; the person she was waiting for was late and she was getting antsy. I suggested I could go with her, but she wanted to wait for the other guy.

On Saturday, May 2nd, after handing in an assignment, I headed to the third floor, and played with a tennis ball I had been bringing to school over the last few days. Elizabeth later came over, and tried to get the ball from me. A wrestling match ensued between her and I in which I won the first round, she the second. She is really quite strong, for she has been rock climbing for one year and a half, and so has just about as much upper body strength as I do.

After, I followed Elizabeth to the gym for a rock climbing competition. Upon arrival, I signed up, did two climbs, tried a third and couldn’t do it, and then sat down and watched Elizabeth climb. She is really good at climbing, has been doing it for quite some time, and was the only one in her class competing. I was in the beginners male class, and she was in the female’s advanced class of climbers. I was competing against 10 others in my class, she was alone in her division.

After that with her and another friend we walked out onto the grounds and that is where I unexpectedly and was happily surprised to see Jennie.

There are no more entries about Elizabeth, likely because the semester ended, and she was restricted such that I would only ever have seen her at school. I think the principal reason why I wanted to include her in this list is just to show that I was getting better at meeting and talking to girls. The one spot in what happened above that I think I could have done something different is that evening and night that I hung out with her and Marek, after dropping Marek off and before dropping her off, I could have suggested we go to Chenoys (24hr resto) to grab a bite and spend some more time getting to know each other. I expect I was probably quite knackered given I had worked the morning that preceded that night, but none-the-less, it seems it would have been a really good opportunity to have at least asked.

I think a mobile device might have helped here as she was very limited by her parents, so I could have had a more on-line (by text message) relationship with her. I suppose, her parents probably wouldn’t have allowed her to have a mobile device, so that may not have worked anyhow.

This is the last vignette. I guess if I was to summarize my experiences of these four years, I would say there were some definite gaffs, numerous missed opportunities, some amount of growth, some regrets, and certainly some good times. I think my biggest takeaway is that simply asking the question, 'when can I see you again?' is something that I should have used many times. It took quite a few long nights to get them all down; listened to quite a few songs to figure out what I could use. There were a couple of nights that I awoke at around 3h40 and couldn’t go back to sleep as the next vignette was on my mind. On one of those nights I actually got out of bed and worked on that vignette as I knew I wouldn’t able to fall back asleep. I may still see about reaching out to some of the people I’ve mentioned, if not the Subject of the vignette, perhaps some of the ancillary people.

Vignette - Jen

If you haven't already, you should read the intro first. This colour indicates the text is directly excerpted from my journal.

In my last term at Abbott, starting around the end of January 1992, the phys-ed course I had picked was cross-country skiing.

In the first gym class, she entered the classroom late, and sat down next to me, that being the only empty seat. So she asked me my name, and then introduced herself, Jen, and five minutes later asked me again what my name was, confessing that names are not always easy to remember for her. I was genuinely surprised, and a little bit confused, at first, at the warmth, and ease of character with which she presented herself, and then I got used to it, that being her way.

The second class, we went skiing at the arboratem, and near the end of the class, we played a version of British Bulldog on skis, and I, being one of these bulldogs first, happened to see her and went after her first, of course I caught her. So we skied around arm in arm (because of the rules of the game), talking, laughing and falling, completely enjoying ourselves as children would. Just after the class ended, I walked with her to the nursing place at Abbott, where she was going to check if she had bronchitis. We spoke some then, too, mostly of previous outdoor experiences. After this turning of events, I decided that next class I would get closer to her still, and I did.

In the next class we formed up into groups of four, so Jen and I partnered with two other guys. For the weekend skiing trip we would eventually do we would eat together, sleep in the same shelter together and plan it all out together. Once we worked that out we got on a bus to go skiing again. In the bus I sat next to Jen, and we spoke about each other. She asked me if I was rich, and I told her I wish I was, and she told me that she lived in Dollard, among other things. [...] After the bus ride back, we decided to go to the Munch Box together, and we did, I bought her a poutine and a chocolate milk, and I bought me three grill cheese sandwiches. We spoke a lot, for perhaps more than an hour, and she told me a lot of things about herself, and I told her two big (personal) things about me. She had gone on for about twenty minutes about the last two boyfriends she had had, and then she asked about me and previous. I told her the truth, with a little side note of Joanne, and she was shocked, well, not really, although she was surprised, and did not believe me at first.

When I wrote above I told her the ‘truth’, it is that I had never had a GF.

In the next day or two I met with one of my Loyola classmates Craig and went to his house. It ended up being a big sharing session where we talked about the people who were hanging out on the third floor of the Herzberg building. He ended up telling me a lot, and even admitted to me that he had ended up telling me more than he had told anyone. He thanked me for being a really good listener.

Then I wrote this: As a matter of fact, Jen, in our talk over food after the last gym class, also told me that she usually doesn’t tell people about such personal things so early in a relationship, and I told her that people often tell me things that they are later surprised that they did.

Abbott had a newsletter, a section within which you could put messages to other students; well, this was done for Valentines, I don’t remember if it was done otherwise. I put a message in the newsletter for Jen. She gave me a reply in the form of a note:
In gym class, Jen gave me a short note which had on it a few things, namely thanks for the message, for food last week, saying that I was such a nice guy, and ending with “Why Me?” and her phone number.

After the gym class I went with her to student services for something and we had to wait for an appointment so I waited with her. I didn’t write if I had answered her question (the Why Me question), but I did note that I had a Humanities class later that day where I wrote a note in reply to her, Maybe I’ll give it to her, maybe not. In any case, I hope to call her this weekend sometime.

I have posted previously about the ski trip and in that post I didn’t remember any of their names, but now of course I know the girl’s name was Jen. In the quinzhee snow shelter we ended up building, Jen asked if she could sleep next to me, and I expressed the same interest in sleeping next to her. That’s pretty much what happened, we both fell asleep quickly.

There was a chalet not far from where we had camped out, and after the first day of skiing, before we ate, a number of us went in there to keep warm. I had written that I still had plenty of energy after the day of skiing; it hadn’t been as grueling as I thought it could have been.
Jen was there, and I sat down beside her. She happened to be one of the many who were really tired, and she put her head on my shoulder, and I my arm around her, staying like this for a few minutes. This moment I cherished for the rest of the day.

After that ski weekend, gym class was over for the rest of the semester, Jen and I didn’t share any other classes, so if I was to see her again, it would have to be calling her. So I called her house, a few times, and then a few days later she called me back, and we organized to get together.

Wed Mar 4, 1992
We ate at Moe’s, went to her work place (Moe’s adjacent), visited a couple of other shops, then I drove her home and hung out at her place for a few hours.

She was upset because she suspected her boyfriend (this is the first time I hear she has a BF) wasn’t where he said he would be, she called a few places and then she got more angry when she found out, asked him to be in a room alone, and ripped into him. When she hung up the phone, I tried to console her and after twenty minutes or so she calmed down.
She said that she had practically no, if not none, girl friends, and that all of her friends are guy friends. The reason, she said, was as follows: girls cheat and steal, and lie, and do all sorts of evil things [...] she said that guys are generally honest, and respect each other’s relationships, and that girls would go after a guy of another under any circumstances.

After this highly emotional outburst, this is what I wrote: I’m still attracted to her, however, but I wonder about the compatibility of two whose nature could be no more opposite. Maybe someday I will see how compatible we can be, or maybe I will settle back down into the permeating dust cloud I have made myself. Hopefully the former will ensue.

Sun Mar 8
I have been giving serious thought to calling her from Abbott, because now I know that she has school only on Mondays and Wednesdays, and so on any other day, I could reach her at home (maybe) and speak with her. I have yet to try.

It was around this time that a classmate of mine from my biology class talked to me about Jen; he did not have a high opinion of her at all. I was becoming friends with this classmate so I didn’t totally discount his judgement, but apart from that emotional outburst I was a witness to, Jen had only ever been nice to me.

On the way to a party, I stopped by the bakery that Jen works in, and bought some pastries, while saying hello to her. She encouraged me to call her over the weekend (which I didn’t, although I tried reaching her Tuesday, more about that later).

On that Tuesday I was helping to organize a bowling event and called Jen to invite her. She was on her way out when I called. I asked when she would be back, and she said two, and so that cancelled her for the bowling, I said I would call back today [this entry was written on the Wednesday immediately following that Tuesday] but haven’t as yet, and probably won’t, seeing as how I have nowhere to ask her. (Of course, if she calls, I will probably be a happier person).

I called Jen a few times over Spring Break, and she was always leaving or not home, and so now I have stopped. She has never called me, and so I figure I am on the negligible level of her priority list.

When I tried to console her on that emotional outburst day I learned that she was emotional in a way that most likely I was ill equipped to understand or empathize. The way that she first approached me when we first met is what really stuck with me - up until then, and even perhaps ever since, I don’t think I’ve ever had so warm and quick an entrance into a relationship. I do not think mobile technology would have been useful here; as she basically shut me down.

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Vignette - Catherine

If you haven't already, you should read the intro first. This colour indicates the text is directly excerpted from my journal.

Sun Dec 22, 1991
On Sunday, two days ago, I went to Catherine’s house for a Christmas party. Who is Catherine? She is a friend of Kevin’s who spends much of her time during school on the staircase of the third floor of the Herzberg building. During the last four or five weeks, I also went there, and so I gained the acquaintance of her, as well as others, who were also at the party.

Having met Catherine at that third floor hangout I always thought of her as ‘out of my league’ but approachable. I probably spent quite a bit of time with her (and whoever else was at this hangout) during the next semester, but didn’t write much about it. In that group setting, there really wasn’t a ‘Catherine-me’ dynamic.

Fri Mar 6, Marek was one of the guys that also hung out on the third floor, we both had class on Friday that finished early, so together I drove about the West Island a little, went into the city, met up with Kevin and Catherine who phoned home, no one was there, so we all went to her house after Pat, Catherine’s boyfriend, joined us. We ate at her house and then decided to go bowling. When we got there, a league had occupied all of the lanes, but we decided to wait. ...eventually Pat got bored and left, and Catherine became sort of angry/sad, because her boyfriend got bored and left. She began to get tears in her eyes, and so I challenged her to an air hockey game to cheer her up.

After our two games of air hockey, our names were called to go bowling. She seemed to be in a better mood by then.

March 14th, a surprise birthday party for Jen, one of Catherine’s friends, at Jen’s house. After the party got into full swing some of us went into the basement.

During the evening, I spent much of time with Catherine. I am developing for her a fondness, although I am quite aware that she is already involved with a guy named Pat. She has an omnipresent charm, and a certain kind of innocence which I really like to see. [...] She has the figure of a model and a pretty face to match.

I need to do a side panel to have this next part make sense. In my parish, during this time, I was one of the leaders of a youth group who would organize dances and fundraisers and other charity work. One of the other volunteers was a girl named Kim, one or two years younger than me, and at events we ran it was evident to me that she was into me. As Kim also was one of the volunteers and her parents too were involved, I got to know their family about as well as a teenage guy who volunteers does.

Catherine told me of how Kim, her cousin, had been in paradoxical love with me, and her mother liking me overmuch also, saying that at that time, when she didn’t know me, she would wonder what kind of a guy would have this effect on two different people. I realized perhaps one or two hours later, that I should probably have continued this conversation in the direction she had begun… but in the moment I shrugged it off; not prepared yet to accept that I could be considered desirable.

Later that night a bunch of us went to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show, the interactive version at the Paris.

I continued to see Catherine on the third floor; we went with a group to Battle of the Bands… in my entry of May 12 after having arrived at our third floor hangout I wrote this: I sat down beside Catherine and spoke to her some. It seems that every time I am with her I feel drawn to her, as well as repelled; she has a boyfriend, so what am I to do?

The term ended, I was finished with CEGEP; in early June Marek calls me and talks about a party at Catherine’s and mentioned to me that he had spoken with her, and she expressed surprise that I hadn’t reached out to her. So as soon as I was done speaking with Marek, I called her house; no answer. Tried the next day and then on the third day we connected and organized ourselves, just she and I, for a canoe day.

June 2, 1992, after I finished work at about 9AM I headed to her house to pick her up, then we headed to my house and got on the water.

I think this time was her first time ever canoeing, and it was so much fun for her. I took her onto three islands, showing what there was to them… eventually settling on the island we have the Island Party on. I had hoped during all of this time, to speak to her on a personal nature, but this did not happen, although I did make some small effort asking about dreams.

We were out for maybe two or three hours, I’m not sure now as I didn’t write it. After, we got back to my house, I had a quick shower, I drove her back to her place, she had a quick shower. I took her to the employment office as she was looking for work, we stopped at a resto and ate and then returned back to her place, watched some TV and then we headed downtown to hook up with her boyfriend and we went to see ‘Sister Act’. After the movie I drove her home, on the way she invited me in for a drink at her house, but when we got there she was flagging, so we skipped on that and I came home.

At that point, I did not know whether I wanted to enter anyway, for I am beginning to feel quite attracted to her, while at the same time respecting the relationship she has with Pat, a relationship that seems to have been for as long as I remember knowing Catherine.

That Friday was the party at her house, and many of our third floor group attended. We went to a park, played a bit, returned to the house, ate some, watched a movie; I sat between Catherine and Alison; that was nice. At the end of the evening when I was leaving I asked Catherine if she wanted to go canoeing again, and she said it would be after her present mosquito bites had healed.

On Tuesday, June 8, I called her to ask about canoeing, and she said that it would be better for her if she continued her job hunt. She said she would call me over the weekend, and so I await her call.

She did not end up calling me, and I did not end up calling her again.

The one time I did successfully take her canoeing, when I couldn't think of anything to talk about; examples of things I could have asked, "do you find it easier to talk to boys or girls?" or "where would you fall on a body self consciousness scale?" or "what are your fears?" or “how would you describe your family as you were growing up?” or "do you think about the future and what you might like to do" or "Do you want to go swimming?" as we were on an uninhabited island and the side of the island we were on was away from civilization; we hadn’t worn or brought with us swimming apparel, so I would have just asked to see where that might have led.

I don’t know if having had mobile devices during that time would have had us conversing with each other. I’d like to believe I would have been more inclined to initiate something with her then, but I do not know with any certainty if I would have - she was always friendly with me, but I also knew that she had a boyfriend, and, well, I hadn’t the confidence to move forward in any way anyway.



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Vignette - Joanne

If you haven't already, you should read the intro first. This colour indicates the text is directly excerpted from my journal.

In September of my second year (1991) of CEGEP, Thursday the 19th, I had plans to go to Moe’s with the friends from Suanne’s episode, but before that I went to the library to do some of my Chemistry assignment. In the library, I saw working on their assignment two girls also in my class, Sylviane and Joanne. So I sat down and did the assignment with them. [...] Sylviane left first, and so I walked with Joanne to Penfield, where her car was parked. She lives in Montreal West, on Westminster, she went to Royal West, graduated in ‘89, changed program from social to health after first semester. I hope to get to know her a little bit more, and am thinking of inviting her to see Akira [...] Hopefully she will come.

At my next Chemistry class, I noted in my journal, that Joanne moved from wherever she had previously been sitting in the class to sit next to me.

Friday Oct 4, she agreed to come to see Akira with me; When I awoke Friday morning, I was a little bit nervous already thinking of this ‘date’.

She was working until 20h, so we set a time for us to meet. I drove to her house and we took the bus into the city, ate at a resto and then went to the midnight showing.

We spoke a lot, although she told me more about her than I told her about me. The reason for this, I imagine, was that she seemed to really need to talk, and I asked her questions, and I kept her going. Every once in a while I would tell her some of the things of my past.

When we got to the movie, a large group of my friends were already there, mostly people from the Suanne episode.

As I had by this time already started working at UPS, I had awoken at 3h30 that morning, so during the movie (which I had seen a few times before) I had nodded off; and it turns out, so had she.

After the movie, Suanne and Joanne spoke quite a bit; they had both gone to RWA. But then Joanne and I took a taxi ride back to her place and I drove home.

On a final note, where we said our goodbyes at my car, she looked expectant of something, what crossed my mind was a hug, or kiss, but I couldn’t bring myself to do either. She said to me at this point that she had had a nice time and thanked me for it. The words sounded sincere. [...] One thing I do know, after this night, is that I could call her again, or that we could meet after school; that I could be with Joanne in a context not associated with school.

There was one other thing I noted about this night. We did manage to have a really nice conversation on the way to the movie and at the restaurant. However, when people are trying to tell me things, which they can’t verbalize very well, I try to repeat what they are explaining to me in my own words, and usually I get it right, in fact almost always, except with Joanne. Everytime she would say something that was not quite clear, I would say something to tell her I understood, but I didn’t.

I went on to write, though, that I had also had such a nice time overall, that I would spend more time with her to know her better to become more successful at this.

In mid-October, we had lunch together, and we spoke for a long time, and during the conversation she asked if I skied, and I said yes but not very well, and then she said that I should come to her cottage during the winter that we could ski some. I immediately reacted positively, already thinking of some of the possibilities which could result from this. It seems to me that a relationship between her and I does seem likely, if I keep pecking away at it, for she does seem interested, especially if she asked that I go with her to her Cottage.

That term we (a few friends I knew, Joanne and I) formed a group that sat at the back of our Chemistry class. We would spend time together commiserating, on Fri Oct 25, we all had lunch together and Joanne and I made plans to meet at Concordia’s Vanier library on Saturday to work on our Chemistry homework together.

So on that Saturday afternoon, in the library, we went upstairs, and did some chemistry, not really worth going into town for, the amount of chemistry we did, but I would have gone in just to see her. During our whole afternoon we spoke a lot, she saying more things than I, I listening attentively. I would have liked to speak my thoughts that day but the idea of that uncomforts me. [..] Hopefully the next time we meet, I will open up a little.

After that we went to a park and swung on a swing set, played a little, then I walked her home and caught the train home.

I think our relationship is progressing smoothly, but I am not sure, hopefully our next encounter, I will be brave enough to find out.

Abbott was putting on a drama production of The Pink Panther, I asked her if she would like to go, she was open to it; turns out the event was sold out when I went to get tickets, so we made plans to go and see a movie instead. This worked out better for her anyway, as Panther was Friday night, Saturday morning she was writing SAT, and we went to see the movie Saturday late afternoon, after her SAT.

We saw ‘The Fisher King’, and after the movie at supper I managed to share more about me; told her how little experience I had with girls, how I felt socially awkward a lot of the time and more. Overall, the night seemed to have gone really well, and hopefully, in time, such nights will be more personal. In any case, I will not hesitate to move forward in this relationship, however unlikely it seems that such a relationship could be long lasting (she lives in Boston!)

With Jennie and Suanne I could never really get out what I wanted to say, what I was feeling, so finally circumstances were aligned just right that I could share my inner thoughts with Joanne.
Friday, Nov 21, 1991
I finally did it. I spilled my soul to Joanne last night, and it felt good. I also touched her, a lot. Not in any really explicitly sexual way, but we held hands, held each other. It felt nice. I don’t think this is going to end, like so many other false beginnings I’ve had, and I’m really happy. [...] I really told her a lot of things, and she kept pressing for more. This scenario is what I’ve really wanted, really needed for a long time, and I really appreciated it. I told her so.

Recommend listening to this song before continuing


It all started innocently enough last night, I call her, she says nothing doing tonight, me either, rent some movies, go to her house, watch them close together. When it’s over, all the lights are off and we sit on her couch, talking, touching…

On Fri Dec 6, we went Christmas shopping together in the city, I had a long list as working at UPS and still living at home meant I could get gifts for a bunch of my friends as well as my family. After shopping we putzed around the city a bit then headed to her home where we sat on that same couch and chatted some more. I wrote in detail the things we talked about but I won’t share it here. It was another close and personal conversation.

Wed, Dec 18,
A group of us went to Moe’s, Joanne and I sat together, talking with the group some of the time and with each other otherwise. After we ate, we walked around a bit, talked some more, and when it was time to go, we kissed; she initiated. I was surprised, then we hugged. It all happened so quickly, this is what I wrote: It was a short kiss, so short that I am no longer sure if it actually happened, but I remind myself that I hugged her afterwards, and I do remember that.

I did not make a note of this in my journal, but re-reading it now and looking at the dates - she left for Boston the very next day. The next time I would see her would be at her cottage, I did end up going; Fri Dec 27, leaving around noon, to Owl’s Head.

That Friday evening I met her family, her sister and parents, we had supper together, and then Joanne and I, with me driving, went to pick up a friend and head to a pub in Knowlton where we hooked up with two other of her friends. Between the three of them, Joanne, Frank and Steve, they had four pictures of beer. Johanne was quite happy after having her second glass. I didn’t mind, because when she was like this, it seemed there was less I could say that would go wrong.

The next day we skied together and at night, her dad took all of us (her mom, sister, Joanne and I) and met up with another family in a fancy restaurant just over the US border.

After we got back from the restaurant, Joanne and I had her cottage to ourselves as her parents were driving her sister to her boarding school. I wrote in my journal a bunch of stuff I wanted to say to her, but couldn’t bring myself to.

We decided together that I would leave the next morning as she had a bunch of essays to write in application towards a dozen or so American universities to which she is applying. She also mentioned that in the weeks following New Year’s, she’d be traveling to a number of these universities.

Leaving for me was a sad thing, but I tried not to let that show because she really did have to do these things, and my presence would surely have prevented them all from being done. So I left with a hug, and finding my way home was easy enough.

Once school started up again near the end of January (1992), Joanne and I no longer shared a class. One day in early February I met her outside of her class as it was ending, and we went to my house, watched a movie.

And that is more or less how it ends; there is no other mention of Joanne. What I should have done: call her more often, talk to her more openly, see her more often; part of why I didn't - she was going to go to the US to study so I didn’t see a future. I should have ignored this ‘no future’ and just lived in the moment. Mobile technology might have made a difference here if I could have texted her more often to stay connected and show interest, and even keep in touch long distance once she was away.

Rereading this from my diary and putting it together, it has such an unsatisfactory ending it has upset me quite a lot to write it.



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Vignette - Suanne

If you haven't already, you should read the intro first. This colour indicates the text is directly excerpted from my journal.

I talked a bit about my grad dance in the previous episode; where the grad weekend left off in that episode was bowling. From there we (most of the graduating class and their dates) went to the Peel Pub, then to see the sunrise from Mount Royal, then to the Baie D’urfe curling club for a brunch, then back home to clean up a bit, then in two buses we went to one of our classmate’s farm. Quite a bit happened throughout that time that I went into depth in my journal, but this episode is about Suanne who I first saw, asleep by the fire Saturday night, and then awake at breakfast the next morning (June 10, 1990).

About breakfast that morning; for others I suspect it was just nice that the parents of this classmate cooked breakfast for all of us, for me it was an amazing fantastic experience:

...the parents of the house announced that breakfast would soon be served. So I went to get mine, and behind me was Roseanne, she asked me, where shall we sit for breakfast, I said that I didn’t know, so she said how about the living room, and I said I guess, and she said come into the living room and eat with me. She really wanted the company I think. [I put a comment here that her date apparently hadn’t been paying attention to her].

Others joined us and as we finished eating we just stayed in the living room, talking.
When the morning meal was over, we all sat in the living room and talked. This was my favourite part of the whole weekend, I think, because I really felt like I was accepted. I would speak, and people would listen. There was Roseanne on my left, and Anile on my right, and I would hold conversations with both at the same time. Suanne was just sitting across from me, and whenever I said something funny she laughed, along with all of the other people that were there.

Reading this now, it seems very much out of character that I could behave in this outgoing way. I attribute it, perhaps, to not having slept at all the previous night. I recognized how special this time was for me and that it was drawing to a close. I spoke to Mikle about this at the time, and he said I should do a follow up, that is call Suanne or Anile or Roseanne. But I am always scared of using the telephone.

The summer of 1990 passed and I didn’t see her. Through the school year of 1990-1991 I didn’t see her. I suppose it was because she was completing her last year of high school while I was in my first year of CEGEP.

On July 5, a group of us went to the Jazz Festival, and my classmate/friend Aaron had called Suanne to let us know we’d be there. The last time I had seen Suanne was at my graduation, at Rich’s farm. Back then I had found her quite appealing, and now, more than a year since then, nothing has changed.

Part of the group left, leaving only Aaron, Bryan, Seyil, Suanne and I. We went to see a midnight showing of Terminator, and then walked to have Bryan catch the 371 to get home; it was to come soon, so Seyil, Aaron and he ran ahead and I walked with Suanne. While we were walking, I asked her how she would get home, she said the 368 goes near her house, and I said the 354 would take me part way home, and she offered to have me crash at her house. That thought evoked in me two different responses, one of joy [..] and one of uncomfortableness [...]

I wrote how great it would be that I could spend more time with her, and how awkward it could also have been listing out my own insecurities. In any case, the three ahead ended up missing the 371 bus, so the five of us were reunited. We kept Bryan company until the next 371, we all took it to his car, he drove Suanne home, Aaron and I to Seyil’s (where Aaron and I slept that night) and then he went home.

On Saturday, the 27th of July, 1991 I hosted another Island Party, something I had done a few times in the past. With my own canoe and a borrowed one or two others, a group of us would canoe over to an uninhabited island and camp there overnight. The first arrivals showed up around noon, we brought most of our stuff over, Suanne was only able to get out to the western tip of the island by 17h30, so I went to pick her up. She and I and another went swimming soon after; and while we were out swimming, more people arrived. By 21h30 those new arrivals wanted to go swimming and I went with them. We swam about, having fun, and Later on Seyil and Bryan, who had gone on a canoe ride to play with us, stopped and let me climb aboard, because I was getting tired of swimming and wanted to get back to Suanne.

And then this is what I wrote:

I don’t know if what I feel for her is what is commonly called a crush on her, but I do think of her very often, for she is pretty, intelligent, witty, funny and friendly. I feel more and more that I am not worthy of such a person, but who's to say whether I am or not if I don’t even try?

As a group we hung around the fire a while longer, telling stories, singing songs. This was a nice time, but Suanne was visibly tired because she had just arrived from P.E.I. late Friday night, and so was wanting to get into the tent.

Eventually we all slept, swam a bit the next morning, packed everything up, our numbers dwindled, and we went to Bryan’s house, Seyil, Aaron, Suanne and I. Then we all went to Seyil’s house. We watched a few videos and during one of them ...Suanne called a guy named Dave B. This really put my spirits down. If she felt that she should call him while she was there, she must be thinking about him. This means that any efforts I make in trying to form some sort of relationship with her may be stopped abruptly by her own desire to reach someone else. I try not to think about her call to Dave B, but it always hangs on the end of my brain, like the last leaf on a tree in the fall which will just not come down.

Four of us (not Aaron) met to see ‘The Silence of the Lambs’ in the theatre a couple of days later, that same night she met with Dave B to see a Shakespeare in the park; Bryan, Seyil and I left, not interested.

On Friday, Aug 2, 1991, Bryan was leaving for New York, Aaron to Toronto and Seyil to Connecticut, leaving only Suanne and I of our group of five at home.

Perhaps I will call her and ask if she would like to do something this weekend. I really do want to see her again but I don’t know what to do, I mean, to ask her to a movie, to a walk in the park, to a canoe ride at my house, to what? Perhaps I will call and she will have something. I guess the only way to find out would be to call.
So courageously I did end up calling her, and the next few days I got to spend quite a lot of time with her. On Friday, we spoke on the phone for 80 minutes, on Saturday, 100 minutes. We made plans to see a movie on Tuesday, we went to a 16h30 showing, went out to eat, wandered the city, I had my car so we drove back to her house arriving probably around midnight, and we stayed talking on her front step until I left to go home at 3h.

Recommend listening to this song before continuing


I wrote this about this long day with her:
Throughout the whole time we were speaking that evening and night, I never heard her imply, or blatantantly state, anything that might emit some sort of attraction to me. Perhaps I was expecting too much, or perhaps I missed something, but I shan’t give up hope, not after she didn’t say ‘go home’.

A few days later I wrote ‘...I awoke and decided I had to see Suanne sometime early that week’

And so I did, spent more time with her, and eventually came to this: I am feeling more and more out of my depth as we proceed in these discussions, of things seemingly immaterial in nature. And because of this, I fear she may get bored of me.

I wanted to have more meaningful deeper conversations with her but had no idea even how to begin. Later that week, we take a bus from her house to wherever we were going and I finally figured a way to move up a level, but I failed to follow through. I formulated this question to her, “Are there things you are afraid of?, What?” and she said the dark, among other things, and then she said, “you?”

I couldn’t answer her, but I wrote down my answer when I wrote about this later:

I am afraid of your world, of all the people you know, I am afraid that my state of emotionlessness is irreversible, I am afraid that I, to you, am just another friend, and nothing more, and that that will stay as it is for a long time[...]

I met with her on September 1st, we met at L-G, took the metro to Peel and walked up the mountain. I still wasn’t able to open up to her.

I saw her a few more times that fall and over the Christmas holidays, we went, with a group, to see The Nutcracker. It was during this time that I started to see Joanne, subject of a subsequent episode. It seemed that almost any time I would see Suanne she had someone (a guy) with her.

Bryan held a New Year’s Eve party to welcome in 1992 and Suanne was going to take the bus there; when I found out about this I called their house to say I would come to pick her up instead. Aaron and I went together in my car, she thanked me on the way, and I told her that I would do anything for her, and she said ‘I know’.

I didn’t really react to this response in my journal, but rereading it now makes it somewhat evident that she knew how I felt about her. In the moment, at the time, I didn’t really make anything of it.

Near the end of January, 1992, Aaron organized a movie trip to see ‘Naked Lunch’, Suanne among others was there. I was really happy to see Suanne again. Really Happy. How happy? Well I guess I can say that every time I am with her, I forget how lonely I really am, I forget how it is that I think sometimes that I and other people just don’t really fit together like pieces in a puzzle always do. She makes me feel good, and yet, to me she seems untouchable. So bright and warm, so cheery and intelligent and touching, next to me I wither away.

Monday, May 11, 1992, (four months later) she calls me; I was really happy to hear her voice again. We spoke for somewhere near ninety minutes.

We talked about the school year that was just ending, summer plans, teachers we had, and this is what I wrote after:
In any case, her phone call reminded me that I do, indeed, keep this journal, and that it is for her that I do this. (What?) I’ve tried to understand why I keep this Journal for some time. The main reason is that I don’t really have anyone to talk personally with, and so if I can write some of it down, some of the need to talk would be released.

The weekend of May 16th, Montreal’s 350th birthday party was beginning, so a group of us got together, including Suanne and her boyfriend Jim. I saw Suanne one more time, June 7th, and then we went canoeing and swimming in the next day or two.

My last entry is dated June 14, 1992, so it is possible I saw her one or two more times that summer.

With Suanne I had an ease of phone conversation that I did not have with anyone else in these episodes, and hardly with anyone else. In retrospect, this ease of being with her (both on the phone and in person) was probably what drew me to her the most. I do not think mobile technology would likely have made a difference as I was already spending a fair amount of time with Suanne, both in our friend group, and just the two of us, and if I wasn’t going to tell her face to face or on the phone how I felt, I probably wouldn’t have done it through text either. Though, it is possible I’d have done better at staying in touch with her once I started University, if only to check in periodically with how she was doing.

After writing all of this episode I was/am tempted to look her up and see how she is doing. I haven’t yet, and I may not ever, or I will, I don’t know.



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Vignette - Jennie

If you haven't already, you should read the intro first. This colour indicates the text is directly excerpted from my journal.

Jennie somehow became a friend of one of my classmates, Patrick, before I met her. On May 12, 1990, it was the school’s annual Walk-a-thon; we were to follow a 30 km route that started at Loyola and went over the mountain, through the downtown core and then back to Loyola.

We were a large group of friends walking together (I have everyone’s name down in my journal) and in the morning half of the walk I was with three people; then in the afternoon, I was with three different people, one of whom was Jennie. We ended up talking quite a lot during the latter part of that walk, and this is where, though I hadn’t formalized the term, I found a very strong compatibility matrix between us.

Today (May 17) Mikle spoke with me concerning her and the graduation ball. He had thought, that I might have asked her to the grad dance, [...] He brought this up with me at lunch today, because I had spent the whole of walk-a-thon afternoon walking and talking with her. I had thought about the possibility, but, true to my nature, I did not act.

With my inability to act, there was some movement about, that sort of solved this problem for me. One of my classmates already had a date and she would set me up with a girl named Angela, to whom I did a supremely great disservice of which even to this day I am ashamed that I practically ignored her through most of the grad dance evening. Anyhow, this episode is not about Angela.

Prior to the grad dance we, the graduating class and our dates, were invited to another classmate’s house for ‘cocktails’ and snacks. To give you an idea of how I was feeling, here is what I wrote when I first saw Jennie at this shindig:
Dean’s date was Jennie. She and I had an interesting conversation while Angela was going off somewhere.

After the grad dance a group of us went bowling, and I wrote this:
The most relevant thing that happened at the alley, was twofold. First of all, I met Jennie and Christina there again, and we had a little talk. I think Jennie really enjoys my company, but assumptions like that are often difficult to be sure of.

That summer I encountered Jennie a handful of times at different social events when a group of us would get together. Being part of a group then, no different from now, really, I would mostly let the full-on extroverts take hold of the conversation, so there really wasn’t any development otherwise.

I started CEGEP that fall, at John Abbott College (known as Abbott going forwards). In October I managed to finagle an invitation to a Loyola classmate of mine’s birthday party. He was happy to have me and that I could help by driving a few other invitees to his house; this included Jennie. During that party Jennie and I spent two hours with each other, having fun, mocking others, having good conversation.

And this is what I wrote after the event: Anyway, I am really anxious about the next time we can meet in similar settings, but I fear that it will not be soon, thus causing a cool spell to settle over the springshine of temporariness of Indian Summer.

If I hadn’t been so dumb at this time, I would have called her, at the very least, to see if I could see her again. It seems I could write all about this at that time, but then not have a clear idea at all about appropriate steps to be taken.

Rereading the journal now; it occurs to me that I did write a letter to Jennie. Reading that letter now (I kept a copy for myself) I realize how ridiculous it probably seemed. I never got a reply.

Around mid March, 1991, I (then as now, going to movies alone) got on the train to go into the city to see the movie ‘Pump up the Volume’ and by total unexpected surprise, on the train I bump into Jennie and Christina, who are also going into the city to watch the exact same movie.

At the theatre we hooked up with two other school friends of Christina’s; there isn’t much else to be said about this.

That summer of 1991 I did not really see Jennie at all, that summer was spent disproportionately with four others that will come up in a different episode.

In September Marionapolis (a different CEGEP) organized a boat dance party and I somehow managed to get invited. For the most part, up until about 1AM, I was sitting there on the aft deck, speaking with many people, and for a good hour of that time Jennie was on my lap, because there were no other seats free, and we spoke. She was depressed because her boyfriend, Derek, was supposed to be there but she heard from someone that he was at Annie’s [a bar in Ste-Anne-de-Bellevue, some 60km from where we were] that night, and so she was telling me her woes. I knew that I was being used as a hypothetical kleenex, but I didn’t mind. [...] once in a while she would lean back, in my arms, her head on my shoulder, and I felt very much like, well, like someone that she could depend on.

Derek showed up (how exactly he could have showed up on a boat likely meant he was on it all along) at around 0h30 so Jennie left with him. It certainly didn’t help me that this girl that I was really keen on already had a boyfriend; and she had one more or less continuously the time I’ve known her.

There was one last encounter I wanted to write about; sadly a print-out of a journal does not have a ‘Search’ function. It was the Spring of ‘92; Jennie and I were both at Abbott, but in different programs so our paths didn’t cross. Also, I suspected at the time that she may have been spending more time at Annie’s (or equivalent) than on campus; of course I knew nothing with certainty. Anyhow, I happened to be walking through one of the many fields of the Abbott campus when I saw her sitting on the ground amongst many others also seated, enjoying the warm weather. She seemed as happy to see me as I was to see her (very happy), we embraced in a warm hug and in short order I offered to drive her home if she wanted it. So I did. That was the last time that I spent with Jennie apart from scraps of moments over the years.

I attributed a compatibility matrix incompatibility as the reason why I never told her how I felt about her, but of course, it wasn’t just that - I wasn’t good at telling anyone anything personal. I also did not always see the best course of action to follow. We were highly compatible in terms of social interaction - we could verbally spar and have fun almost ceaselessly, however, she smoked, drank, and I think she did drugs of some kind, though I’m not certain; and I didn't do any of these. With respect to the compatibility matrix, there were more dissimilitudes than matches, so while I wanted to spend more time with her, I didn’t figure to want to spend time with her smoking or spend time with her drinking or doing drugs. Mobile technology would likely not have made a difference at the time; we were simply in two separate non-overlapping social circles. Of all of the episodes, that I will be posting, she is the one that lingered longest with me, even to posts in my blog that are more recent. Any post with the 'meekness' tag had something to do with her. After CEGEP we lost touch but she remained friends with my wife's brother and so to see if anything would develop (July, 2018) I obtained from my brother-in-law her mobile number, I waffled on using it but then did. Though it isn't easy to tell through text alone, it seemed to me that there wasn't a reciprocal interest in rekindling a friendship. I did not feel it was appropriate to push as I really came out of the blue, so this fizzled out soon after it started. I hadn’t really set any expectations about this reaching out, and so while I wasn’t upset it didn’t work out, I was (and continue to be) a little disheartened.



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Vignette - Kate

If you haven't already, you should read the intro first. This colour indicates the text is directly excerpted from my journal.

This one starts the night of Jan 15, 1990; the school dance had just wrapped up; as I was part of the dance decorations committee, I also had to stick around to clean up after the dance was over. I went to catch either the 105 or 162 bus to head home when at that same bus stop was a classmate of mine and these two other girls; Kate and Sarah. A few moments later one of my better friends, Chris, joined us. Chris, Kate and Sarah were all waiting for the 162 as that would take them home, while I could have taken either; so a 105 comes and then goes, I stay at the bus stop with the others.

Eventually, Chris went and stood on a fence because the floor of the bus stop shelter was too cold, and this left the 2 girls and I relatively alone. This gave them a chance to interest about me.

So they asked me some questions, which is the easiest thing for a conversationally stymied person to handle - it is easy to answer questions.

Another 105 bus came and went and Chris swore that if a taxi were to pass by, he would flag it and we would all go, and this is what happened; the taxi dropped them off at their homes, and brought me to Vendome to get home. All of this is to introduce how I met Kate.

On Wed Jan 31 there was a ‘Coffee House’ style event at my school, inviting students from the girls schools to join also. This was a pre-cursor event that preceded the carnival.

The Coffee House event was held in the gym and at a certain point I found myself hanging out in the office that is adjacent to the gym with windows on the gym.

Kate joined me and we spoke about things in general. About 10 or 15 minutes after that she spotted some of her friends and she told me how her friends were envious of her that she had so many Loyola friends, and that she should introduce them. So she went out of the office and brought her friends in.

We all chatted a bit, “we discussed ski day and past ski experiences and we spoke about other things also.”

The event came to an end, I said goodbye to the girls and went to help clean up and set up for the next event that would take place in the gym the next day. When I left, twenty minutes later, Kate was still waiting outside, not for me explicitly, but for someone to go home with, so I offered and we decided to walk all the way to her house. Once we got there we just stood in front of the house for a little while.

Throughout this time of walking and standing we spoke, well, actually, she spoke. She talks a lot, not that I mind. We spoke philosophically, hypothetically and quite tenaciously. She complained how often she was always being picked on; she often says things which leave her very susceptible to being insulted.

We got to her house at about the exact time that a train was leaving, and the next one was to leave in two hours, so I had some time to kill. This is what I wrote in my journal when she asked me what my plan was: I answered with some futile attempt of verbalization and then I asked her if we could walk some more, she said yes.

She offered to take me out to supper; she went in to drop off her school bag and got a 20$ bill and so we headed out. We took the metro a couple of stops and went to a fast food resto and she starts checking her pockets in her coat and her pants and her shirt and her sleeves and can’t find the money; neither of us have any money, so She looked as if she was about to cry, so I put my arm around her and guided her out of the restaurant.

We proceeded towards Windsor Station, and on the way she spoke of how things like this always happened to her, and that they never happened to anyone else.

She hadn’t been to Windsor Station before and was impressed with the space of it, so that helped her move on from what she had been feeling. It was about 21h20 when we got there, so we putzed around, talking, until she caught a metro and I took the 22h train home.

All in all it was a very pleasant evening, I surprisingly managed to keep the interest of Kate for two and a half hours, even where she could have just gone home, but instead, accepted my suggestion to walk with me further.

What I should have asked at the end of the evening: Can I see you again? Mobile technology might have helped here; if I had gotten her mobile number while we were walking (or earlier); after the evening (because I didn't think of it during) I could have texted her to talk about meeting up again.

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Vignette - Chantal

If you haven't already, you should read the intro first. This colour indicates the text is directly excerpted from my journal.

Paula was a peripheral friend I kept loosely in contact with from elementary school; we saw each other at church and church functions (Bingo) throughout my high school years. So even though we hadn’t really spent a lot of time with each other since elementary school, she invited me to her 16th birthday party which took place on September 3rd, 1989. It was very thoughtful and kind of her that she invited me; I for sure could have been much nicer to her during that time.

It was a fun party; I reconnected with a handful of friends I had known in elementary school, and met a few new people too, one of whom was Chantal.

The party was to start at 2PM on a Sunday afternoon to the next day sometime. [...] Chantal did not expect to stay at Paula’s for the full duration, but at about 8 o’clock she decided she would and she asked a friend to drive her to her house that she could get her things. I asked if they could stop by my house that I could get a sweater, I had forgotten to bring one. I got to see the inside of Chantal’s house, and I got the general geography of her house that night.

It turned out that she lived ridiculously close to my own house:

I think that having gone to her house like this on a spur of the moment helped me to be more at ease. Back at the party I mixed with different people and by the early hours (5AM), there were just a handful of us who were still awake or still present, Chantal was one of them. We sat all together and were having delirious fun as we had all been awake for so long.

At about 8 o’clock Chantal and I left, she had expressed an interest in Yes, specifically 90125, and so I went directly to her house and she recorded it. After that I went home.

I had brought 90125 with me to the party. When I got home, I slept for a while, mowed someone’s lawn, then after lunch, I invited Chantal with me to Dairy Queen. [...] We went back to her house and listened to some music, and we sat and spoke for a while. Eventually we started a chess game.

I ended up losing the chess game and in my notes I felt pretty bad about that; reading it now it is a maturity issue. I spent about two hours at her house and didn’t see or speak to her again.
On a Bingo night in December ‘89, Paula was speaking with me and she told me that Chantal had told her that she (Chantal) thinks that I don’t like her at all because I haven’t called or anything.

That’s all there is in my diary about Chantal. What I should have asked at the end when I was leaving from our chess game: When can I see you again? I thought she was Murray's (a Loyola classmate of mine) GF, so this stopped me, but in retrospect, no matter, we could still have been friends. I could even have reached out to her after Paula told me in December what she did, but for whatever reason, I didn't. Mobile technology might have helped here; if I had gotten her mobile number; after that chess date, I could text her to get together again. Whether I actually would have texted her, I’m not sure.
I’ve included Chantal on this list as her very close proximity ought to have been a signal to me that if I was to try to overcome my inability to talk to/meet girls, I should have made an effort to become friends with her as we could have very easily seen each other often and/or spontaneously. If I had done this, it might have obviated the need I had for all of the writing I did that led to all of the next vignettes.

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Vignette Intro

Between 1989 and 1992 (when I was 15-18 yo) I wrote a lot about what was going on in my life. I dug this up the weekend of November 9, 2019 and read through it all, from beginning to end. The first seventh of it was handwritten, the last six sevenths had been typed and then printed. Altogether it probably comes to about 100 pages.

Sometimes I think that even if I were to go back to that time I still would not behave differently, even given what I have learned since then. I went to an all boys private Catholic high school (Loyola), and while I had a very positive high school experience and do not regret at all having gone there, it did mean, at least for me, that I came to have a really low self confidence when it came to meeting or talking to girls (a rare exception). I seemed to sometimes do okay when I was in my group of friends at the time, and those friends would bring girls into our mix as we did things, but often I didn't do so well. I could always provide a comedic remark or response as I had a reasonably quick wit, but get me to have a meaningful (or any) conversation was a daunting task. This still mostly holds true today - here’s one and another of a few blog posts where I talk about how conversational ease comes to some.
It may be due to this though I never got a proper evaluation to know for certain.

For the next eight Saturdays I'm going to share what happened based on what I wrote back then, perhaps even taking excerpts. I'll also talk about what at the time I was thinking/feeling, and then answer the question if Mobile Devices would have helped, and if so, how it could have helped. I talk about the idea of mobile devices because I could see myself, even as a shy mid-teenager, being able to text a girl where actually talking to her would have been too frightening; I've always been better with the written word.

With perhaps as many as zero visible readers and just as many lurkers I even still debated if I should use the girls' actual names. I hope that nothing I say about any of them will be in any way hurtful or a break of privacy. On the one hand, if no one is reading this, what difference does it make? On the other, what if one of the girls from 1989-92 that I write about comes across this now, 30 years later (or later since I hope this blog keeps going...)- would I want them to know the 'episode' is about her and I, or would I want to hide it. I've decided that if, as unlikely as it is, that one of them were to read their own 'episode', I would want them to have an idea as to what was going on with me during that time, so their actual first names are provided.

Finally, before we get to the first one; I stopped writing my journal at just about the same time I started at University. I was working at UPS and studying full time, so my social life drew mostly to a close - I did not keep in touch with any of the people who are in these episodes - once I left CEGEP, I left them too. I see this as a failure, now, that I didn't try to keep up, but at the time I had done the same thing when I went from elementary school to high school - I hardly kept in touch with any of my elementary school classmates.
The UPS job I had paid for my education, at the cost of having a very limited social life.

Here is the first episode.

Vignette

Back in the last and second last year of high school, at about the time I got my drivers license, I became good friends with B who happened to live in a big house with a big basement with a ping pong table that had plenty of room around it. I (and occasionally others) would go to his house very regularly to play ping pong. I have many memories of having so much fun doing this; especially since B and I were pretty much evenly matched, so as we played more we both improved.

High School finished and we kept playing, then sadly, his dad died and soon after he and his mother moved out of that house into a smaller one where there was no room for a ping pong table. I and other friends spent a lot of time with him during the time that his dad died to be with him through that, but a few months later I wasn't spending as much time with B as I had been and soon after that I started working where I really wasn't spending any time with anyone.

Years later, I no longer remember now how I found out, but I did hear that B was rather upset that I seemed to disappear pretty much as soon as access to his ping pong table was removed from the picture. That he felt 'used' by me just to access the table; that our friendship was based only on me wanting to play.

Here we are, twenty-five years later, and still, occasionally, I think about this. Nothing of what I did or failed to do was with malintent and yet still my inadvertent behaviour had an undesirable effect.

Senna

I watched the documentary called 'Senna' last night.

Growing up my father used to watch the F1 races every weekend; often having to awake early as when the races were in distant time zones, the races would be on, live, at odd times for us. I got into the habit of watching the races with him and got to know over quite a few seasons who the drivers were, what the cars were all about, the team names and the championship standings.

I was watching the races that involved Ayrton Senna, Alain Prost, Nigel Mansell, Michael Schumacher and others of that period. Watching the documentary gave me an insight into Senna's life that I did not know at the time when I was watching him race a little over two decades ago.

A part of me would like to get in to watching the races again, following a few seasons, but I don't get any TV station that plays the races.

Even if you aren't a racing fan, I would recommend this documentary as Senna lead an interesting life both within racing and outside of it.

Senna died in a race at Imola (Italy) on May 1, 1994.

vignette

It seems a lot of people that I know did not have a very positive high school experience. Those who went to the high school I went to are an exception, including me. My high school years were pretty fantastic, actually.

High school in Quebec runs from Grade 7 to 11 and in Quebec is known as Secondary 1 through 5, often abbreviated as Sec 1 or Sec 5. Probably in Sec 3, or possible the year earlier, I joined the dance decorations committee as I had some friends who were doing this too, and I had a certain skill for the art that was required for the dances. I was part of this committee all the way until I graduated from Sec 5 and each year we came up with different and better ideas as to what we could do.

This vignette story isn't about the decorations, however. It happened on just a few occasions, or perhaps even only once, I can't recall, that after the teacher who was more or less supervising us left at, say, 9PM, and after we had finished the different pieces we were working on, say, at around 10PM, we had the run of the school to ourselves. There were no teachers, no faculty, no maintenance; it was devoid of personnel except for the six or seven of us left in the art room.

We decided to play hide-and-go-seek-tag through the school with individual classrooms off bounds; making use only of the hallways and stairwells. It was really rather of an experience for us to be running and launching ourselves down stair wells. Between floors, a stair well had a landing half way and we managed eventually to take a leaping jump not touching any of the steps to land on the landing, and then again take another jump to skip all of the subsequent steps.

The lights were off in the school, but there were street lights outside that cast light-reverse-shadows giving us sufficient ambient light to play.

Anyhow, I have fond memories of those days.

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So back in high school, what in Quebec we call secondary three or four which translates roughly to grade eight or nine, I was in my chemistry class during a quiz when I had finished reasonably early, had reviewed the quiz, handed it in and there was still seven minutes left in the period before it was over.

One by one I took the elements of my pencil case, which included pens, pencils, erasers, protractors among other things and started balancing everything on my desk. As an example, stand the eraser upright and across it find the center point of a pen and a pencil and lay them across, and then on top of the pen and pencil put the protractor, and then on top of that put the next item, and so on.

Eventually I managed to balance all of the contents of my pencil case and still there was time left.

The teacher noticed what I was doing and actually came a little closer to take a look at the progress I was making, while at the same time vigilating the students who had not yet completed the quiz.

So then X (a class mate, though not a friend of mine) who sat further back in the class got up to hand in his quiz and as he passed my desk he knocked over the elaborate balancing act I had built.

The teacher gave X a detention for doing it.

Fortunately the school I went to was sufficiently disciplined that retribution wasn't something I had to contend with.

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So back when I was in University, I stopped working at UPS during my third year and found a direct sales job that I did between my third and fourth year (Engineering required four years of university).

I had found an ad that led me to work at Vector Marketing where I learned to sell Cutco knives. The way this product was (and presumably still is) sold is for reps like me to contact people, make presentations in people's homes just to the homeowners, ie, not a party style, and get references from that person to make other presentations.

This was totally outside of my comfort zone, but at the time I wanted to give it a try to see if I could do it. I did reasonably well with some consistent sales throughout that summer and into the fall.

With Vector Marketing we had weekly meetings for things like training, motivation and team building. So, some of it was fun, especially since we are all young, and the other part is to learn about the business. In one training session we learned that if there are any age appropriate kids around during the presentation, you can ask the parent to let the kid try to cut something with the Cutco knife to show how it is even easy for a kid to do as they work so well.

So a few weeks later I am doing a presentation with a mom who has her 4yo with her. I did something rather ill advised and suggested she let her little boy try using the knife to cut a piece of rope that we bring with us specifically for this purpose. I guess the mom figured I knew what I was doing, so she let her boy try cutting, and not a moment later he cuts himself. Of course, these knives work really well, so there was quite a lot of blood.

It wasn't a severe cut, however, fortunately, but I was really ill equipped to manage this situation. I tried to reassure her and keep going with the presentation but this really didn't work. Later on I totally understood why. She soon told me that I had better leave.

I didn't try that strategy again.

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Here in Quebec there is an intermediary education level between high school and university called CEGEP which is a French Acronym that more or less equates to college. During my two years of CEGEP I had to take a physical education class for each of the four terms I was there and for each one I took an 'outdoors' course.

The one for today's vignette was the Cross-Country Skiing one. For four or five weeks we got some preliminary lessons (though I had cross-country skied before) to get us ready for a weekend trip we would do as a class as the principal component of the phys-ed course. We had to form into groups of four and build a quinzhee snow shelter in which we would sleep for the two nights of the weekend. The group I formed with was with two guys and a girl. I don't remember any of their names, but I recall becoming friends with the girl (in the transitory way that classmates become friends) because the two guys knew each other already and she and I didn't know either of them. So she and I rode the bus to and from the place we spent the weekend.

For the first day we skid together as a group and in the second day the class was divided into two groups - a more advanced group and a less advanced one. The more advanced one was warned that we'd be going faster, further and would be tackling more hills. I joined the advanced group, she did not. On the bus ride home some people were in better shape than others after the weekend of exercise. I had put on a sweater that I hadn't worn during the skiing as it would have made me too warm. It had just recently been washed and so still smelled of fabric softener. She turned towards me and incredulously commented on the clean smell of me based on the sweater, where she (apparently) had felt sore, aching, smelly and tired. I was dumbfounded as my experience of the weekend had been totally different; I had had fun and had enjoyed the whole experience. She, apparently, had not. This experience of her telling me this was a really good lesson in developing my empathy.

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When I was seven or eight or ten or nine I consciously decided to go without any footwear as much as possible through one summer. No socks, no shoes, no sandals; bare foot. At the beginning I stuck to walking on grass and paved surfaces and the occasional well groomed path, but as the days turned into weeks the bottoms of my feet became thicker, more durable. So then I took to walking on pavement most of the time. By the end of the summer I could walk on fine to coarse gravel and barely feel it.

Since my mom wasn't working, and since we lived in outer suburbia, there were no day care programs that I was sent to along with some other friends from my street, so all of those summers as a kid I could play with my friends and that summer in particular I did it barefoot.

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So back in late 1992, early 1993 I had discovered alt.good.morning, a usenet newsgroup and I became friends with a bunch of people from all over. Our numbers grew and through a chat website we all become closer and then in late 1994 we decided to get together.

One of our group had access to a site in Arizona that was run like a summer camp and would prepare our three meals a day; having us sleep in bunk-bed cabins. We booked a week in late August that summer to go there.

We had people from various points of the US, Canada, and Europe who were all going to fly into Phoenix and then get a lift with or drive to our site two or three hours north.

I was one of the first ones to arrive and hooked up with an AGMer who lived in Phoenix, I stayed at his house as others trickled in, using his house as a gathering point. As the morning progressed and more people arrived it was an intense experience I don't think I have ever experienced since. If you've ever met someone face to face that you've only known on-line, imagine meeting twenty people at once that you've known on-line.

We made our way in three or four vehicles to the site where we were met by another 15 or 20 more group members who had driven directly there from wherever they lived in the US.

It was intoxicating to meet up with all of these people; we had shared a lot of ourselves through the group and through emails and chat sessions, so to actually meet and have real conversations was a gift.

So once we got to the camp (Sunday) we settled in, had supper, kept talking, continued to meet each other and then eventually, very very late, went into our cabins to sleep, only in our cabin few of us slept. Dawn arrived (Monday) and I hadn't slept. We spent the day doing various things and that night I didn't even try to go to sleep; I stayed up late talking with the people who stayed up late, and in the morning (Tuesday), when they went to sleep, really only a few minutes later, some early risers woke up, so I joined them. This pattern repeated the next day (Wednesday) so by dawn on Wednesday morning I had not slept since arriving at the camp, that was 74 hours.

Well, add another 12 to that and I went to sleep. The reason I went to sleep was because I would be one of the drivers that would see us going to The Grand Canyon the next morning; well, in the night. We had planned to leave at 1:00AM to get to The Pit for sunrise. So I slept from about 7PM until midnight so that I could be one of the drivers for us to get there.

I stayed awake for that length of time one other time in my life; perhaps that's a vignette I'll write a few years from now.

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I was perhaps 19 or 20 years old when this happened. There are night time buses that traverse only major roads in the wee hours; most of them leave from Atwater. I had been out with friends until quite late and then made my way over to Atwater to catch the 354 bus back to Dorval where my car was parked; it would be about a 30 minute bus ride.

It was cold and snow had fallen, but it wasn't snowing, I remember that much because of how frosted my windows were when I got back to the car.

While waiting for the bus to arrive at Atwater I started talking to this girl who I was next to, also waiting for the bus. She was petite, cute, pierced, friendly, a fashion design student. I suppose I must have been in an exceptional mood since I would do this kind of thing almost exactly zero other times. We got on the bus and were chatting for the whole ride when it turns out that we were both getting off at Dorval. I said something to her like 'I know you don't really know me, however, that it is so cold tonight, I'd be happy to drive you to your apartment; if you'd prefer not to take me up on the offer I won't in the least be offended'. She was gracious and thanked me for the offer and took me up on it.

For those of you who do not know about living in the sub zero, there is a principle that I didn't know at the time that I will explain in another post, but anyhow, the inside of the windshield of the car was full of frost. As it was very cold that night, it took a long time for the window to defrost. We continued talking and then finally when I could see out I drove her home. She didn't live very far from where the bus let us off, so I imagine that she may have been able to walk home in the same time it took for the car to heat up, but anyhow, it was very nice.

I don't know what brought this memory back in the last couple of days, but for some reason it came back.

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The house I grew up in is where the green arrow is pointing:
It doesn't show that the street actually went all the way to the water, which it does, and it also doesn't show about a half dozen other small islands among the larger ones shown - all uninhabited.

I had a canoe through a large part of my childhood and well into my teenage years and once I was big enough had little trouble carrying it down to the water from my house. In the spring when the water was really high some of the islands were inundated so I got to paddle through the island, around trees and large rocks, it was kind of a magical experience gliding silently in the still water...

It is these kinds of memories that my own children will not have of growing up, but they are sure to have their own.