The Shelving of A Book

Driving home today from my uncle's funeral, several things crossed my mind. The most stand out thought was the book on that side of the family is finished. Each chapter one by one came to a conclusion as we lost each and every family member over the past years. The people and stories which spun the web of fibers around my life have one by one left this world. It was a moment I knew regretfully would one day come, yet I never really pictured this day in my mind. How do you visualize a day like today when it is unimaginable to comprehend the fact that the family on my dad's side have all left, and you are still here? It is unsettling.

For the people who are close to me, they know I avoid funerals at all cost. I don't handle them well, I am a blubbering mess. I don't even have to have known the person well, for me to have a hard time with the funeral. It is something that I can't control and can not help. When it is family.....well, it is the most difficult thing to try and handle and control oneself that I know of. Today was different. Today was like none other. Since I can not vocalize the why of that, I am going to record it here.

My uncle passed away Thursday at 3:18pm. I know he was ready, and I know he had suffered many years without my aunt. My heart was heavy and I have carried a huge weight in my heart through the years over something he had shared with me about the moments before my aunt's passing. These are things I have a hard time letting go of. These types of things stay with me and don't seem to leave and I carry them with me.

Thursday night I had a dream. I have only had one other dream like it in my life and it was when I was eleven years old. It was real. As real as the breath I take and it is hard to explain just how different this was from what you would call a normal dream. The place in this dream was like none other I have ever seen. It was a normal scene that you might imagine seeing in the back roads of rural America, but yet I think you could search forever and never find a place like it.

There was no beginning or end of this dream.....more like a screen shot with darkened edges, as if looking through a lenses of a camera from on top of a hill. It was like I was there, but removed from it at the same time.  It could have lasted a spit second, or a few minutes, I don't know. 

The scene was of a golden field which was all you could see across the horizon up to the sky. Everything had a light yellowish tint and the breeze was blowing the tassels of the crops in this forever field. In the distance was a tractor. It was so far away that it was just a speck in the field. 

There also was a split rail fence closest to me. It was as if my eyes scanned the scene and at that fence was where my eyes rested. I saw my Aunt and Uncle standing together with their backs to me. Their arms around each other gazing out unto the field. For an instant, and only an instant I felt that breeze, which was unlike anything I can describe. It was unlike any breeze I have ever felt before. At that moment, a peace washed over me and just that quick, it was over. When I woke up the next morning, I remembered every detail about it and the great sorrow was replaced with knowing my aunt and uncle are together again on the other side. It was a feeling that all was right and as it was supposed to me.  It was a gift. One I will treasure all the rest of my days.

Today, even if I could not share with anyone what had happened, I carried the knowledge in my heart that all was right again and as it should be for my family members. I was able to hold on to that dream and knew without a shadow of a doubt my uncle was far removed from the shell that lay in the casket. He was with the love of his life and had started the forever journey they were destined for all the days of their lives. I was sad for my loss, but was able to cope far better than I could have imagined.

As we drove home and I looked out the window at the landscape that was a big part of my childhood memories, I saw. I visually saw the binders of the book which formed the story of my life snap shut. It was finished. And as the dust settled from the warn pages I knew it was shelved in the walls of my heart, never to be read again.



Footnote:
(1) The photo was found online, it represents the field in my dreams, but is in no way as magnificent as what I saw. Everything I experienced was much grander.
(2) I am sure some will read this and think I am nuts. I am sure some family will read it and say to themselves I have lost it. But the fact is, that is farthest from the truth. I was given a gift. That, I believe. And I am thankful I am receptive enough to allow such gifts to happen in my life.
(3) Sometimes you have to believe in something that goes against all logic.
(4) I wanted to record this in a place where if I need to, I can reread what I felt and experienced. Maybe these words will mean something to someone one day other than myself.

Five Minute Friday: Tired

Today I'm linking up to Lisa-Jo aka the gypsy mama, who chooses a topic every Friday and writes for five minutes. 
Only five minutes
And the rule is that whatever you write about in that five minutes is what you posts. No editing your thoughts. Today, her topic choice is "Tired....."
Ready. Set. Go......

Tis the season to be......tired! That is the running anthem for so many this time of year. So much to do, so little spare time to do it in. For so many years, the holidays passed in a blur and when they were over, I was left with the feeling of resentment for all the things I had to do and then suddenly it was over. Where is the enjoyment in that? I thought about that just this past week as I sank down in my chair to watch a television program and felt more tired than ever. It had been a long day, and I had tried to get a lot done but in the end, felt defeated and worn out.


For me, I decided multitask many of the holiday extras. Holiday baking is a must but requires extra time. So, I will cook one meal and turn it into two for the week. The second night will be reserved for baking instead of cooking. Not doing anything extra...just doing something different with my time. Wrapping gifts also will be multitasked. Instead of sitting in my comfy chair watching a television program, I will be at the table wrapping a few gifts or filling out holiday cards. Working on things a little at a time instead of waiting till the last minute. Planning shopping trips with a list of what I am needing and where I want to go and sticking to that list. Cutting out the extra stops to just see what they might have because my reality is, I waste a lot of time that way. Most importantly, letting go of all the things I stack up against myself to must-do when the reality of it is, I could do without some of it.


I've made a list of what is important and what I need to get done and am chipping it away a little at a time. Unmounted pressure to be all,  do all,  accomplish all during the holiday season is not what this time of year is all about. The reality is sometimes less is more....it saves time for important things. It really is a time to slow down and enjoy all the magic surrounded by the Christmas season. I don't want to be so busy and so tired, that I miss the beauty that only this time of year can bring. I don't want to miss the magic....Stop.

Five Minute Friday: Grow

Today I'm linking up to Lisa-Jo aka the gypsy mama, who chooses a topic every Friday and writes for five minutes. 
Only five minutes
And the rule is that whatever you write about in that five minutes is what you posts. No editing your thoughts. Today, her topic choice is "Grow....."
Ready. Set. Go......

This year was a very hard year on my gardens. The oppressed heat that lasted all summer long did nothing but take its toll on my vegetable and flower gardens. Early on, my vegetable garden faded away, and became nothing, choked out by the heat. My flower gardens held on for the most part, many plants did not grow at all. They stayed small, and never bloomed all summer. I counted it a complete loss, but left what plants were trying to thrive in the heat in place and just sorta chalked it up as a bad year. The extreme heat will do that....strain everything.....causing many things to go dormant.

Fast forward to the fall and we have had very pleasant cool fall days. Funny thing happened when things started cooling off. Those flowers that were all but written off during the summer did something spectacular. The not only began to bloom, but to grow into the beautiful plants I yearned for during the summer months. With a little love and attention, they have been a real show stopper for me this fall. They grew when I did not have the faith that they would. The vegetable garden however, never came back to life no matter how much time and energy I gave it. The growth ended much too early but then it is like that with other aspects of life as well.

Many times, relationships are the same way. The are formed, and started and seem to work and grow at first. But then the unexpected happens, much like with the oppressed heat, and they start to sit idle and struggle to just be alive. Many times they appear to be dead at first glance. But somewhere, deep inside there is a glimmer of what used to be and the desire to grow into maybe not the same but a new relationship forms. Many times the new relationship far exceeds any expectations one might have had in the first place. It is not easy to achieve this growth, it takes work, it takes time devoted to each other. It also takes communication and a willingness to allow one another a space in your garden of life. It takes willingness to not let that person go away and shrivel up again and out of your life.

Likewise, like the vegetable garden, there are times when nothing you do, or say, or wish is enough to revive a relationship you thought was lost. Growth happened at the beginning but for what ever reason it did not survive the times of drought and heat. It was not meant to be. And when that happens, it is time to look ahead and concentrate on the new season of growth that is in front of you. Don't grieve for the crop that was lost, but concentrate and be optimistic on the growth that will come during the next season of your life. How we grow individually is what effects how we all grow together after all.
.Stop.

Simple Sunday: Shadow

Because everything we say and do is the length and shadow of our own souls, our influence is determined by the quality of our being.
~ Dale E. Turner

I am linked in today with Shadow Shot Sunday. Amazing photographs inspired by shadows. Go ahead. Take a peak!! Have a safe and Happy Halloween!!