" What You Don't Know, Can't Hurt You"

I don't know about you, but I tend to be one who suffers and endures things for long periods of time. I tend to do that instead of reaching deep within myself to gather the courage to do something about the issue.

Aside from blaming my problem on procrastination when it comes to health issues, most of the time the real culprit is plain ole fear of facing the truth. Or, perhaps it is the truth of the unknown or what could be discovered that cause me to endure the inconveniences that certain health problems create.

Far too long, I chose to live with the motto "what you don't know can't hurt you" and still, even today, I tend to carry that as my life anthem. That is what fear does to you folks, sad but true.

What do you think happens when you have endured all you can for months and months and it causes your life to be completely non-existent? The struggles of day to day life get so heavy, it is all you can do to make it through one day at a time.

 Likewise, ultimately, while dealing with one's own inner health struggles, slowly but surely, those around you don't get there is anything wrong. You are suddenly, and are falsely accused of not putting your family first. These same family members don't really care to look closer and even wonder if there could be a problem other than the false accusations they hurl your way. Is it a six sense that causes close relatives to turn their back on you? Never call? Funny, after months and months of that sort of treatment, you realize you really are not that important anyway to those individuals.

Finally one day, you wake up and realize the only person you are responsible for is yourself....and if you need fixing, than it is your own responsibility to get yourself fixed up and back on the road to enjoying life.  I don't always feel the need to "tell" anyone what is going on or what is wrong, simply because I carry things on my own and deal with them accordingly. One thing I have sadly learned is those that care, related to you or not, will be there even when you are not doing or acting in a way they feel they deserve from you.

A few weeks ago, I did what I knew needed to be done for a long time. I made the step into taking care of some personal health problems. I told no one, with the exception of my husband and kids and a few close friends...there was really no need, as I was worried enough for everyone. I went into that experience with the attitude, "what you don't know can't hurt you", kept it to myself and pushed myself to get it taken care of.

You had better know there is more to this story, and well, like any good storyteller, I intend to tell it in hopes of bringing a chuckle or two.

First thing to remember is this...the doctors are so very quick to tell you that your discomfort will be minimum and you will feel fine very quickly. They insist this procedure you are having has been done hundreds of times and the bounce back time is nothing. They insist in all honesty you will be back to work in less than two weeks. They say these things because they are not the ones going through any of it. That is the truth and you won't convince me otherwise. Luckily for me, my husband agrees 100% with me. Doctors promise you the moon and then shake their heads when your rocket never reaches the moon they promised to begin with.

Stay tuned for later in the week when I continue with this story and tell you how my discomfort was compared to a couple of cats by my very own doctor. I. Kid. You. Not.

March Roared In Like a Lion......and not in a good way.

March roared in like a lion for me this year. With the coming of March, also unexpected things happened and the most eye opening lessons learned as well. I was happy to bid March goodbye as even up until the very last second of that month, the lion still roared. I still hear the loud lengthy roar in my head and am most weary from it all.

Short version of the month past is the first of the month my husband fell ill and was hospitalized in ICU. He is better now and is feeling better, but not where I want him to be. That might have been just enough of out of the ordinary to handle, but that ole lion had other plans for the rest of the month. He decided to make his presence known around every turn and keep his paw in more than what should have been allowed. It has been a draining time. I know just because the month ended that does not mean the shadow of that lion is not still around. I hope his presence weakens and hope I have the courage to face whatever the shadow cast on our walls.

With that being said, I certainly learned a lot from the month of March. Sometimes it takes a crises to open our eyes at what we choose not to see. It is easy to overlook what you really don't want to face and pretend things are not as they are. What the Month of March taught me are listed below, a reminder if I need to re-read them as I keep thinking of days ahead.

1. I learned that my thoughts on growing older have been easier to handle by totally ignoring any of the signs that presented themselves to me. It is easier to dismiss what you don't want to see or acknowledge, then it is to face it head on. I remember feeling utter shock as I sat in my husbands hospital room and wondered how and when we became "old". Seriously....how did that happen....the only way to describe that was shock. I learned that our hourglass has run out of sand and now it is time to face the music and do something about all the things we have ignored. Total wake up call.

2. I learned that the people who should be there for you in a crisis won't be. I also learned it is in those who you would never expect to fill those shoes do so and do it so willingly. I also learned that it does not matter how much you have done for individuals in the past, how much time you have invested in them, how much thought and love went into trying to enrich their lives and make their life easier when they needed it. You can never expect the same in return. It is better to expect nothing. Less hurt that way. (I also know it is not in the things that I have done that should make me deserving of anything. It is just when the people who you would expect to be there in some capacity, and when they are not...well.....you get the idea.)

3. I learned where I focus a lot of my time is time wasted. I learned that things that occupy my free time is not what is really important in the grand scheme of things. I am making adjustments.

4. I learned that my own fear is crippling. So much so it clouds good judgement. So much so, that no matter the fact, I know what I need to do, it is so hard to take that first step. I am a work in progress. I need to find the courage and find it quick.

5. I learned that everyone will not respect your story as your own. After much thought, I am not sure it is a lack of respect of the story, but of the people themselves. I find that folks want to know all the details of a crisis, not because it is any of their business, but simply they want to have something to go tell every person they can think of from the far regions. Funny thing is, these are the same people who demand respect for their particular stories and expect them not to be told. I have a dear friend who in passing told me she did not give out any details of what was going on...she told me it was not her story to tell. Respect and care for me was her concern. She really has no idea how this radiated with me. I know the value of this friend.

6. I learned that from now on, when I offer to help someone and ask if there is anything I can do, I know that question is just is not enough. I learned that when a person is going through something hard, they have no idea what they need. Seriously. I told caller after caller that I did not need anything but thanks anyway. Luckily, some folks decided they would take matters into their own hands. They provided exactly what I (we) needed even with strong protest from me in the process. I told myself that I would never ask again....I would put something into action. Big lesson learned here.

7. I learned to never take for granted the people who fill your heart with happiness....because it can all come crashing down in a blink of an eye.

8. I learned that life is so short and for years I have overlooked that fact and lived like I had all the time in the world. I am so fearful I won't have the time left to do all I had hoped to do. Make each day count...we are never ever guaranteed another day after this one.

9. I learned that there are things that happen that can not be explained where others understand them. It is not a part of their story and if they choose not to believe like you do that is ok. If I have learned one thing about myself it would be I am gifted many unusual things that occur in my life and it is because I am open to the unexplainable and I believe and see the meaning when they occur. It is a blessing.

10. I learned that no matter how heavy your heart is, no matter how tired you are, no matter how fearful you are of the truth, no matter how you feel you can't take another step towards the unknown - you can. You must. You will.

I am expecting that lion to decide to sleep again soon and things return to how I would prefer them to be. This photo sorta sums up how I feel about that....better keep a look out for that lion even if he decides to sleep....he might be peaking around the corner of his eye. 

Things very well may be different than what I had a month ago, but different is better than not at all. Here's hoping for a wonderful Spring as we welcome in April and hoping I don't hear that roar in my head for a while.

Jubilee Quilts - A Timely Finish......or Not!

The year I turned 50.....the year I decided to make a Jubilee Quilt. Well, not just one Jubilee quilt, but two actually. I started working on these a couple of weeks after turning 50 Last March, and worked on the blocks following the Barrister Block Sew Along each month. I know I have mentioned this fact about my quilting before, but I so love the actual construction of quilt blocks, one by one. However, it is in the actual construction of all the blocks into a finished top where I lose focus.

I posted about completing this top back in February. To date, it is still not off to the long-arm quilter. I fully intended to have it quilted and bound by today, but alas, it just did not happen.

I really do love the Farmers Wife blocks and this is a favorite to date of mine. So once this one was finished, I started working on the layout of the second set of blocks, which were all Christmas fabrics.

This is what I ended up with on the setting of the blocks. Using Kona Snow, these are set a bit differently that the other quilt. The blocks finished up at 9 inches. It is hard to imagine that the same blocks, using different fabrics and a different setting can make such a drastic difference.

In all actuality, I was on course to finish my goal of completing these two quilt tops by today, my 51st birthday, but life seemed to have different plans. My husband was hospitalized the first weekend in March and was in ICU. He is better now, and doing much better, but things certainly came to a screeching halt around here. And all that really is not as important as you think they are  has been sorta put on hold.  

I told myself this morning, that in truth, I did not start this process until about two weeks after my 50th birthday so if I want to look at it that way, I still have about two weeks to get the top put together. That is, if I can stay focused, remember I said I have a problem with that step of the quilting process.

I have had some bricks cut in the same Christmas fabrics with the intention of using them in another quilt. I think those are going to be turned into the outer border followed by a 2.5 inch border of Kona Snow to finish this top up. I really love how this one turned out as well and so glad I kept up with the process that took a whole year to complete...ahem....almost complete.


Side-note: I know I have been a bad hostess the past month and never got any links up for Vintage Thingie Thursday. I will try and have that back starting next week. I have just not been up to blogging at all....and that is really not like me to just leave ya with no explanation.

Tell Me Tuesday: Week 6

Welcome to Tell Me Tuesday.....First off the title is a bit deceiving.....it really is not about you telling me anything.... but answering a question truthfully and maybe telling yourself a little something you had not thought about.

I'd love for you to join me each week, and copy the question onto your blog and answer the question....and link back here. I am sure it will be interesting how there will be many different answers to the same question.....and hopefully give each of us something to think about as this new year progresses. My thought is so many people (including myself) are looking for some answers to various things. I have a feeling that the answers are inside needing to be jiggled loose and maybe a question posed a certain way will have a cause and effect in a good way. We will see how it goes! I have committed to this once a week for the whole year of 2012. I'd love for you to take the challenge with me!

I am keeping the rules simple...I'd love to watch this grow as the year goes on.

1. Grab the button on the sidebar if you like so others can find this new writing experience each week.

2. Once you link in, visit the person who linked in before you and leave them a comment. It would be great to visit and leave comments for as many as you can. But at least try and leave the person ahead of you in the link a comment of support.

3. Please link back to my blog and mention Tell Me Tuesday somewhere in your POST. That is it....easy.

Most of all, look at this writing experience with an open mind. Sometimes the questions will be hard...and require some thought. That is a good thing. Other times it will be easy. You can add photos, or whatever you like to your post. It is about you after all. ~ Thanks for joining me.....I hope you enjoy this each week.


Week Five Question: fill in the blank....

I need to practice_____________more often.


_________________________________________

Fitting for me this came up this week. In a lot of ways. This won't take much writing this week for me.....

I need to practice having patience with people who are thoughtless towards others more often.

But in all honesty....patience has left the building around here and that is just the truth. Plain and simple.

How would you answer that question today?? There is a link below for you to write a post and share!

Where Am I? I seem to be lost......

I have asked that very thing...over and over....Where has the person I call myself gone??? A few short years ago, I could work circles around anyone I knew. I'd start early in the morning and not stop until way in the night. Now....half way through the day, I am out of steam. Worn out.

I am finding that I am not familiar with this person I call myself these days. Likewise, I really don't care much for them. I don't like not getting everything done that I feel I should be accomplishing day to day. Why does it seem so hard to focus on any one task for very long? Why is that so hard when several years ago it was not. I feel like Maxine.....where has my Stuff gone?????

I am worn out tonight....and I should not be. I am tired, and discouraged as I guess it is a sign of getting older. Or a sign I need to get myself in gear and get in better shape. It is hard to admit that might be the very problem. What a cycle...needs more energy...has no energy to start.....wow.....I have decided old age is not so fun....or the very feeling that you are getting old......think I will call it a night....Oh.....and it is only 8:00pm.

In considering Maxine's advice....stop whining.....tomorrow is another day......maybe if I don't look too hard, my old self might show back up....with all the stuff that seems to have gone missing as well!! Ahem...... I will at least be optimistic!

Take Me Back Tuesday: Behaving Badly Confession

It is no secret if you read my blog on a regular basis that I have for many years had a love for being thrifty and thrifty shopping. Now, along with that wonderful hobby of mine, many a story often follows from the outings.

It is a running joke between my husband and my son that he fully expects to get a call one day that I have had a free ride to the local jail due to inappropriate behavior on my part in the stores. My behavior at times may very well have been inappropriate but in my honest opinion....it was warranted.

NOTE: You may not want to read any further if you are afraid of being crushed at the fact that I am not always as sweet as I seem.... ahem.....I am going to show you my not so nice at times side today, but if you have the faith to check back tomorrow, you will see there was a reason for the confession of bad behavior today.

Without fail on several occasions, there seems to always be someone who follows me in these thrift stores as I shop and just seems to wait for me to put whatever treasure I have in my buggy back on the shelf. Always. Once, I had a milk glass punch bowl and cups in my buggy and for the longest time, I did not notice a lady who stalked me throughout the whole store. Finally, she asked me if I was going to purchase the set or what??? I looked at her and said yes I was and asked her what exactly she meant by the or what??? She informed me I had wasted a good part of the last hour of her time because she was waiting in the store for me to put the punch bowl set back on the shelf because she wanted it. Seriously, the "or what" made me so mad that day....I was at fault for taking up her time....this has happened so many times, that I really did not let this work me up too much that day...but there have been many times before.....

Once about 6 years ago, I was at half price day at Goodwill....and I was going through the racks of t-shirts to find some I could sell on ebay, which at that time was a pretty profitable business for me. I had a buggy full of stuff this one day, and the store was packed. I kid you not, there was a lady behind me and every time I put a shirt in my buggy and turned back to the rack, she took the shirts out of my buggy and put them in hers. When I caught her, I called her out on it rather quickly....and proceeded to take my shirts out of her buggy.... which you can imagine caused a small ruckus. About the time this was going on, one of the managers came rushing towards us like the store was on fire. He started waving his hands in the air saying, "Ladies...please..Ladies...there are plenty of things here for everyone...please....please....." I guess the poor guy thought there was going to be a knock down drag out right there on the store floor over some used t-shirts and he was a nervous wreck....that only fueled my anger that we had upset him....no that the lady who upset me, upset him....get the picture???? The sad thing was, I did not know her story, maybe she needed the clothes, maybe she just liked what I chose, maybe I should not have been so upset with her. But upset I was.......the nerve of that lady was all I could say to myself.

I could tell you stories all day that are very similar to these. It happens all the time, someone will grab what ever I have in my buggy and question me about it or just seem to almost want to take it from me right then and there. I know that should not upset me, but I don't really like it when this happens and it is all the time. Maybe if this happened only once in a while I would not get my hackles up so, but like I said, it is more that just once in a while that this occurs.

I like to shop in peace, I like the thrill of the find and I like it uninterrupted. Likewise, I have always given other shoppers the same respect. I have lots of times walked into a store and knew right away I was just a few minutes too late....someone had some really grand treasures already in their buggy and I missed out. My heart would sink a little for the fact I missed a great item, but that was it. Likewise, I would never think to ask them if they were going to put them back on the shelf because quiet frankly, my thinking is they would have never picked them up in the first place if they did not want them. So, I just forget it and go on. I don't stalk. I don't stare. I don't try to take what is in their buggy. I am not saying that I might consider doing any of these things, but I know how that type of thing drives me crazy so out of respect for fellow shoppers, I do not do it.

These are a couple of extreme happenings in a long line of crazy occurrences though out the years. On a lighter note, there have been some very wonderful conversations started up over an item at a thrift store or Goodwill with someone who just wants to talk, not take. Those conversations are usually very informative on an item, or a conversation will often be about a memory of something similar that was special. And although conversations like these have always been enjoyed, I can sadly admit today, before my friends here on my blog,  I have never once even considered giving up what was in my buggy. Not once. Shameful, I know.

This Take Me Back Tuesday, is really a two part post. The follow up will be up tomorrow. I am sure you are wondering why I would share this not so nice side of myself today. Actually, I am thinking it not a good idea to hit publish after all. I mean, it is crazy to tell your friends you have been so selfish at times that it caused a scene in a store that upset the workers. That when you had every opportunity to do a random act of kindness, you chose not to do it. That deep down you have felt guilty over your actions but push that guilt aside. I have been all of these things and more. It took a single moment in time this last week to bring all of the nasty attitudes to the surface once again and the lesson was so simple, it was shameful. And in case you are wondering, it did not involve that phone call to my husband.

Yes, I really enjoy my treasure hunting....but at the same time, I know I would have enjoyed offering a random act of kindness to many of these individuals who only saw my not so nice side. Shameful. Next...you will see just how shameful it has been compared to a random act of kindness from a stranger with a much kinder heart than mine......I hope you come back for the rest of the story. If you followed this to the end, well, thank you for stopping by for this Take Me Back Tuesday. You may have noticed that there are no pictures, because frankly, I could not even think of any to go with this post......and that is a first for me.

For Everything There Is A Season

For everything there is a season.......how many times have we heard that? Have you really ever thought about the meaning of that literally? I, myself have not, but I did find myself this past week thinking more and more about those few words. I have thought about what they mean in my own life and how those few words can make a difference in one's outlook on life, struggles and decisions. Like it or not, there is a season for everything. Plain and Simple.

You may or may not know that my work schedule has changed this past week, and well...let's just say it has not been an easy transition.....at all. I have worked evenings and nights most all of my married life. When the kids were small, it was so much more important to me to be home with them so I worked evenings so my husband would be here in the evenings with them.....so we did not ever leave them with a sitter. Was it easy? No, but it worked for us. Then, about 13 years ago, I accepted a job I never really thought I would have and of course the hours were nights.....have always been nights. It has not been fun, but just the way it was. And after all of this time, and now with the kids grown, it became a little more bearable.....Once I woke up during the day, I had all day to blog, surf the net, go to garage sales, estate sales, goodwill, sew.....you get the picture, I had LOTS of "Me" time.....and well......I thought it was pretty darn good. Only downfall to that was I was so tired all the time, felt bad all the time and it was a real struggle to even go to work most nights. It was time for a change....just as the seasons change. My time finally came......I got a day job with the same company. Now, I was going to have to make lots of adjustments.

Someone forgot to mention that in exchange for better work hours, I would have to give up a lot of my favorite things...at least on a day to day basis, or at least give up some of the time I spent doing those things. It has been hard. I have complained on my facebook statuses far too much. I am sure, once I get on a routine, all will work out. I just have not developed a routine that will work for all I want to accomplish yet. It will come. I feel like at this stage in my life, I need to be home at night. I need to be here for my husband, I need to not miss out on the most important things in life....my family. I have been tragically reminded of that very thing this past week. A reminder of how quickly the seasons can change and it can all be gone in an instant has really caused me to pause and think of what is really important in this life.

Wednesday, on my husband's Birthday we got the news that a friend from long ago had passed away suddenly. She was married at one time to my husband's best friend. She was a witness at our wedding, we vacationed together, went to the lake together, and spend countless times at the movies and eating out on the weekends. Back in the early years of my marriage to my husband our lives were very much intertwined with this couple. But as some things go, our friends divorced and went their separate ways. We have not seen her in years. She remarried, had a family, seemed to have it all.

And in a blink of an eye.....her life was over. She passed away on Valentines day, while riding in the car with her husband. She had a brain aneurysm and never lived to make it to the hospital. At 51 years young, my once very close friend was gone, leaving behind a husband, a teenage son, seven year old daughter and a close extended family. A life so full of laughter and joy, it was contagious. Someone who was so loving and kind to everyone she met, she never met a stranger. A person who loved any and all animals she ever came in contact with and if we could count the strays she took in during her time here among us, well it would be astounding. A life gone. The season over. No warning. Tragic. It has rocked my very soul.

Its really shameful for me to admit that in the midst of this tragic situation, it shocked me back to reality, back to thinking about what is really important while traveling down this road of life. The past few weeks I have regrettably whined about my computer troubles, a new work schedule to adjust to, losing all of my "me" time and in all actuality, what trivial things to waste this much energy on. Sadly, once again I have been reminded how quick things can change. In a blink of an eye it can all be over, the light gone. No warning. A reminder that for everything there is a season, right or wrong. A reminder not to waste time on trivial things, don't waste energy worrying over things that in the great scheme of things do not really matter.

Instead, make the best of each season in your life. Focus on the important things in life, not the small stuff.....remember we are not promised not even another second....and in that one second, it can all be over. I am working on this very thing.....it is time to shed some of the things that cause me too much pain and worry. The seasons of this life are so short and change so rapidly, I don't have time to spend on things that don't count. Sadly, sometimes it takes a tragic event to make me stop and think about what is really important. Life....it is so short, make it count.

~Reminder to myself: If I have something to complain about that means I am still living....and really....how can I complain about that!

Stuck at The Starting Gate / New Recipe

Have you ever been to the horse races?? If you have, ever notice how sometimes the horse will kick, paw, and not want to go into the starting gate?....do you have a mental picture of that?...good...because that was me this week.

I had plans to really get out of the starting gate and run the race this week, and well....I was more like a lazy mare in the pasture, grazing on a warm summer day...minus the summer day....uhhh!

How embarrassing to have to admit that to myself and the world. I found myself in a funk this week, not motivated in any area. So of course I did not do my best in this race to get back into healthy eating and losing weight again. On a positive note, I did manage to eat breakfast six out of seven days, ate more vegetables than I did over the holidays, but that is about it.

January is typical a hard month for me emotionally. I seem to not do well after the holidays, and during the gloomy days of winter. I was thinking about that the other day, and it occurred to me that throwing foods that I am not supposed to be eating into that mix is certainly not helping my cause. Monday...new week....we will see how I do this week.

Goals: (1) Stay on task. (2) weather permitting, take the dogs walking at least 45 minutes (I will exercise with the dogs, they love a walk....me not so much) I hope to walk at least one day....I know better than to try for more right off the bat, remember I know myself better than anyone! (3) Pull out my diet plan and review and focus on one day at a time.

***For those who emailed me about a copy of the diet plan I am on, I did not have this loaded right in the attachment, thus the delay. I will forward this as soon as I have my son check to see if I have done this correctly....by Monday, I will have emailed you your copy...sorry about this....thanks for your patience.

Now, I want to share with you a recipe I tried a couple of weeks ago. It is a good side dish with roasted chicken or steak or shrimp, and it a healthy option to regular potatoes. The most important thing about this dish, is it is super easy, great flavor and not a lot of prep work.

Roasted Sweet Potatoes

You will need: Sweet potatoes, olive oil, Old Bay seasoning, Cinnamon and Kosher salt

In a small bowl, mix 1 tablespoon of Old Bay seasoning, 1/2 teaspoon cinnamon, and a dash of kosher salt. Mix 1 1/2 tablespoons of olive oil with the spices and stir well.

slice sweet potatoes into about 1 inch pieces, and put on a rimmed baking sheet. I used about 3 medium to large sweet potatoes, (recipe calls for 1 1/2 lbs)

Sprinkle olive oil/seasoning mixture over potatoes

and toss until all of the potatoes are coated well. Bake in a 450 degree oven until potatoes are deep golden brown on all sides. Bake aprox. 30-40 minutes, be sure to stir and flip potatoes half way through cooking.

There you have it, a easy side dish that is so good, it will go with many meal options. This recipe serves 4 and has 178 calories per serving.

Have a great week everyone, and thanks for keeping me on task to record this journey and trying to move forward. Encourage on another....together we can do it.

Looking back on 2009 and Looking ahead for 2010

I know everyone experiences this particular feeling once in a while....you know the one... the one where you know someone does not like you? And you have to act all cool like you don't care at all that they don't like you... even though you really do? And you act all tough pretending it doesn't matter to you one way or the other because you can totally take them or leave them?

Seriously, how do you learn that? Because I am need of that particular knowledge at this moment. 2009 was full of tough experiences and truths. Am I looking forward for 2010?...absolutely, I mean seriously....surely it will hold wonderful moments and experiences from the knowledge learned from 2009.....let's hope.

This past year has been a struggle....for myself personally, I faced my weight issues, and started to do something about it....I know what you are thinking.....Where are the updates? I am going to follow up on this and start the New Year trying to offer suggestions to others in the same situation....Life has just been in the way as of late....sorry.

Along with facing weight issues and the causes, I was forced to face some of the reasons this is a problem in the first place....that has not been easy....I thought I had made real lasting progress....but I quickly found out during the holidays that it still is on the surface....just waiting....to rear it's ugly head..... *sigh*

My family is very rooted in tradition.....and this year our traditions and celebrations were forced to change....we learned that our little family means virtually nothing to some members of our "family" thus the change in the way we have always done things.....so new traditions were formed....strange feelings in that...but we survived. I also learned while some "family" members are less than loving....I also know we mean everything to other "family" members.....I am thankful beyond words for these people....so the holidays were extremely hard on me this year.....I tried to make peace, offer a open heart and home...overlook differences....it was not received at all....so I put on a happy face, and no one really knew how sad my heart was over the situation....so live and learn.....and in the midst of the stress, I have to say, I did not do too well on following my daily diet routine, and feel bad to post about how to keep on track, when I can seem to stay on track myself.....I am a work in progress so bear with me....

While 2009 was tough on me in so many ways, on the other hand, I have to say it did bring about lots of wonderful changes for me. Changes I could have never imagined happening at the beginning of the year. Said changes required me to take a leap of faith, step out of my comfort zone, and extend love and friendship to others when I thought they really did not need it....what a lesson this has been. And I have been so blessed, beyond measure.

This year I reconnected with old friends from my past...friends who once again mean the world to me. Friends whom I had not seen or talked to in twenty something years...and now....I can not go a couple of days and if I don't hear from them, and I feel like I am missing a piece of myself....friends who mean so much and add so much to my life....I can not imagine how I got along all this time without them....for this I am so thankful....it was a hard process for me, as I had to lay aside any negative thoughts I have had about myself all of these years, and in doing so, I discovered these Ideals I had were really not true, they were something I felt was true, but in all actuality it was not....what an experience to grow from...

If there are people in your life, or who once were in your life and are not there now....take a step and reconnect or at least try to....you just may find that the piece of yourself that has been missing all of these years is the one person who will welcome you back with open arms....for me, this has been the highlight of my year....I learned to not be so hung up on the fact I am not like I once was at 20 something....and that it is OK and really does not matter to anyone other than myself....Lessons learned for sure, attitudes adjusted,and most of all, started to take time for myself and focus on myself and things that matter to me ...


I learned to savor the moments that means so much....like my baby daughter graduating from college....my heart was filled with pride and admiration for the fact that she was able to do something I never did or finished...and have always regretted. Words can not explain how proud she has made me......these are the times that make life so sweet.

And moments like these...just take my breath away....I am so thankful for the son God gave me, the son who loves me beyond compare and will go to great lengths for his mom and sister.....they just don't make em any better than this, and I am so thankful and blessed.....
.....so watch out 2010.....I am ready for you.....I've made a plan, I have set some goals, and plan on seeing them all through. And at the end of 2010....I want to look over my list and know I did everything I set out to finish. I will see a list with all things checked off.....and I will know, I did my all to see it through......what a great feeling this will be....how about you? Have you made your list for the New Year....not a resolution list...but a actual list that will fit into your life and make your life better?
Think about it, we can do it together......encourage one another in 2010.

Weight Loss Journey Part 6

Earlier post: Introduction thru part 5 on sidebar under weight loss journey:


...When I say this lady is hard core...I mean just that. She is serious about what she does and tells her clients what to do. She is in a women's clinic here in Ft. Worth and they treat mostly women. The first thing she did was weigh me, and as I stepped on the scale and she asked how I was....I busted out crying.....confessed I was an emotional mess......embarrassing...to say the least. I weighed 203.9 pounds with a overall body fat percentage of 40.2 percent. OMG.....I can not believe I just told you that. I have never felt this bad or been this big.....I know some people are much larger, some smaller, but if you have a weight problem, or any other problem, it does not matter, the numbers do not matter, it is the same pain no matter what. The starting point is just different......

She spent an hour asking me about what had been going on, why I got off the program two years ago, how I felt, asked me things about my health I did not even think to tell her...she was right on the money.......she told me part of my problem was hormones, I was going through menopause and things were so out of balance that was a lot of the problem. She also told me I was showing signs and symptoms of hypoglycemia and we needed to get that under control right away. First and foremost was to get me feeling better, and of course back on the diet plan. I purchased the supplements she told me to take, and started the diet right away.

I tried to load an insert from their website, but it did not fit here on the page, if you would like to take a look, click HERE to read about the program as an overview.

So that afternoon as I walked out of her office once again, this time I knew I had to stick with this program. I had an appointment in one week, and I knew I had better see some kind of results as my patience and mental state was on a very short fuse.......to be continued.

Side note: I tend to be a person that would rather "see" for myself than have someone "tell" me something....so I found an online questionnaire that measures if you are at risk for hypoglycemia. I took the test, and as I was doing so, quiet surprised at the questions. A total of 20 or less is within normal limits. My score was a 84....it is a wonder the computer screen was not flashing red warning signs and sirens going off.....seriously....84.....I was advised to see a doctor right away......good grief.

Sunday: I will give you the one month progress, what my plan for the week is per week and add some recipes.......and I guess I will be able to admit whether I am exercising like I have been instructed...if I commit to posting about that, maybe it will motivate me to do just that....exercise.....I will most likely only post on Sunday, and want to thank you for sticking with me while I slowly let go of a lot of junk in my life....it has helped, and knowing someone is reading it, makes it real for me, and has helped me stay focus....if I can do this...anyone can....and I know we hear people saying that all the time...but it is so true.....you can....if I can!!!

Weight Loss Journey Part 5

Related Post:
Introduction: HERE
Part One: Here
Part Two: Here
Part Three: Here
Part Four: Here

.........That was the blow below the belt...even if it was above the belt....sorry...could not help myself. My greatest fear of cancer had come to pass....I was certain I was going to die.....
My grandmother, grandfather, aunt, dad, mother in law, even my precious dog of 13 years had all died of cancer and here it was knocking on my door. I know that is a horrible thing to admit, panic and assuming the worse but I was not thinking clearly. I went on line to self diagnose myself...big mistake....some of the symptoms I had experienced were right there in black and white.....I panicked....big time.....this was it....I could not imagine what I was going to tell my kids.....would I be here for their weddings?, would I ever know my grandchildren?....my heart was in dispair. Then the next fleeting thought was "I have never been to Hawaii, and now never will." Now, why in the world in the middle of a panic attach that came to mind, I will never know...but I am being honest...and that is what I thought...shameful to admit.....believe me.

It took two agonizing days to get into my gynecologist office. By that time, I was in so much pain it was unbearable....she sent me for a mammogram and a sonogram the same day. To make a long story short, I went to see a breast surgeon for a needle biopsy and it was determined the lump was benign and nothing needed to be done about it right away. I was so thankful for my husband's support but honestly, I was so pissed at the same time. I felt like he was just being nice because I thought I had cancer and thought I was going to die....how horrible is that??? He is a nice person, it has just been my perception of things that has been so off balance.....and again, it has been all his fault in my mind.

I go back to see the surgeon this month for a follow up checkup. Honestly, I think this was caused from an injury to myself by lifting something much too heavy and scraping my breast with the object.....I was mad, at my husband for not doing something the way I thought it should be done and that is what happened that day.....at least that is what I think....I caused this five alarm panic I am sure of it now.

Some family members do not even know this happened, so if you are one of them, please forgive me, I could hardly deal with it myself.....and did not want to bother anyone with this unless it was necessary. I try to protect the ones I love the most, so I keep things to myself. It is not because I don't love or care about you, it is just I could not bring myself to worry you if there was not reason in it.....and it proved to not be a reason....thank goodness.

But it took me three weeks to recover from that biopsy, it was so painful, and my mental state was just worn out....like I said before, the least little thing would send me into a tail spin and this was so hard to deal with, even when I had the results....it just wiped me out.....it should have been a wake up call....in my mind it was...but I was helpless to make any changes...in fact, my old eating habits returned, sweets were my comfort.....

If I tell you I never thought things could get worse, that is an understatement. From May, my life has been so hard, it is hard to imagine. Emotional, irrational, angry, panicked, stressed, feeling sick, tired all the time, you name it, I have felt it. I knew at the end of the summer when my husband had made two trips to Colorado and I had not gone with him either time, things were really bad.....I don't know if he realized it, but I certainly did. The things I loved no longer were important enough to leave home for. I used up all my vacation time and sick time at work to stay home....because that is were I felt safe, home with my dogs, my computer friends and cookies, chips or cake.......I can hardly imagine I let myself get like this.....when I had to, I'd put on a happy face so no one would know how bad things were. I could not help it, I could not do anything about it. I thought I was going crazy. I even tried to distract myself with quilting classes, that helped, but only for a short time.

Then....I joined facebook. Now I know you have read those sad tales, of my struggles, emotional roller coaster with that. Never did I think that this single thing would be the bridge to help me out of this funk I was in. Sure I was an emotional wreck over facebook...but I was a emotional wreck over everything in my life....I just kept it to myself. Suddenly, I was in the middle of reconnecting with people who meant so much to me a lifetime ago.....they looked wonderful, just the same as I remembered them....and I looked at myself....and I did not even recognize myself or the person I had become. I was so afraid my long ago friends would pick up on something...I have been so guarded....and so ever afraid to show a picture of myself......that was even more depressing......they looked great, and I looked so bad in my mind. I was slipping into a deeper depression by the day. My friends of long ago played such an important part in my starting this journey. They were the spark that I needed to move forward, painful as it has been. The very hope of reuniting with these friends on a more personal level was what joilted something from deep within to wake up....call it fear....call it shame.....call it embarrassment, call it whatever you want....but after 23 years of not having certain people in my life, funny how these very friends are ultimately the ones who have saved me....and they have no idea.

Then one afternoon about a month ago, I was talking about my weight with Steve. Now, I know he would like me to be slim like I used to be, but I really have not cared one way or another what he thought..Truth. Just Sayin'. Anyway, I asked him to join weight watchers with me. In order for him to not have to commit to doing that, which is so "him", he told me to go back and see my nutritionist. He would pay for it. All of it. He reminded me how that worked for me in the past, and if I would stick with it, he would pay all cost. I felt like he was just getting himself off the hook about going to weight watchers with me.....but if he would follow the diet I could eat at home, then I would give it a try once again. I made the call, got the appointment and went to pay her a visit..........to be continued

Weight Loss Journey Part 4

I want to say, this is the 4th post in a series of 6 before I bring this story to the present. All these were written at the same time. I thought about shortening these post, but this has been more for me and my being able to move forward and felt I needed to include the "all of it" in the story. I promise...soon the gloom and doom will end, and hope will begin. I hope you continue to follow along...and hope that you take something with you from reading about my own struggles. Suzanne.

Related Post:

Introduction: Here
Part one: Here
Part two : Here
Part three : Here


When the weight came back....it stayed. I thought about trying again but I did not have the energy or will power to return. I began to hate the way I looked, hate myself for being so weak and not being able to change, I hated the way I felt. It was horrible. I read every weight loss magazine there was, watched every TV program about weight loss that was guaranteed to work, however, nothing motivated me. I felt so bad mentally and physically, I just stopped trying.

If I ever felt my life had spiraled out of control before, nothing could compare to the last 2 years. The joy was gone, even food did not help. The worse part for me was I knew I had to lose weight, how could I not know it? But I knew I could not do it either. There were people in my life who would constantly comment on my weight all the time , every single time they would see me. I know they meant well...but it really made me mad. I got so sick of hearing about my weight, I finally just said, "I had given up.... it is what it is...get over it". The more someone mentioned my weight, the more I gave up..... It was horrible. No one could possibly know how bad I felt, and no amount of words whether directly, or indirectly would prompt me to make a change.

Along with the constant weight issues, I was having female problems too, each month my cycles were so bad, I'd miss work.....horrible.....my moods would swing from one end of the spectrum to another. If I was happy, it was for a fleeting moment and then it was gone....I was back being mad at the world and everyone was to blame......if you have ever experienced any of this.....Please know, I know how you feel....it is an out of control, can't get a grip...horrible feeling. And if you have experienced this for yourself, I know you feel like you are the only one who feels this way. Everyone was at fault, especially my husband, poor thing. I stayed mad at him, no matter what he did, it was not enough. I have even talked about a divorce.....life had gotten so horrible for me, I really felt like if I was on my own, alone, I would be better off...then there would be no one to blame for my unhappiness except the dog...and well....I could not see that happening.

I know some of you who have read my blog for a while, are surprised. I discovered blogging and it filled up some of the emptiness I had felt for a long time, and I truly loved it. This was a new outlet for me, I felt like I could write about what I wanted....within limits of course, and still be accepted and no one would ever know my many faults and issues and most certainly not my weight issues as long as I did not post a picture of myself...it was safe territory. I love all my online friends, and to even consider writing about what was really going on.....unimaginable. And if I might add, this has taken great courage to do so now..... So, I chose to write about the good things that happened, and avoided the sad, bad things that consumed my life. I hid this from most family and friends too, my own husband did not know how bad it was...oh, he knew it was bad....just not how bad.....

I often have wondered where I have disappeared to? What happened to the person I once was? In fact, when I would read my blog post...some days I wondered who exactly this person was....certainly not me.....I felt like two different people.....it is so hard to explain and I am sure I sound like crazy person....but honestly I felt that way, like I was seriously loosing it, day by day.

I felt so bad all the time, stressed out, mad at the world and a weight problem with which I could not get a grip .....I had no idea what to do or even how to make a change.....then one night in May of this year....I found a lump in my breast........to be continued. FRIDAY - I won't make you wait until Sunday.

Weight Loss Journey Part 3

Introduction: HERE
Part One: HERE
Part Two: HERE


In 2004, my weight had climbed into the 180's. I may have failed to mention that I am 5 ft. 5 in. so, my weight was really out of control for the next several years. Also, my mental state of mind was still in a fragile state. I found I could not handle any kind of stress at all. I always felt like I was living on the edge, about to tip over the top.....it has been most difficult. The most simple of tasks became overwhelming. I was lucky to accomplish one thing on a list to do each day and felt like I had been productive, my husband on the other hand did not see it like that. But then again, I kept my state of mind to myself....and put up a front the best I could. Honestly, I think he thought I had just become lazy, and that was just not the case.

In the fall of 2005, my youngest child went off to college, and all of a sudden, I found my self in the empty nest category. Another life shattering moment for about four months.....

....then, my husband bought me my precious Sophie...and all of a sudden I was needed again and felt so much better.....and well....you all who know me, know where that led to......3 dogs, 3 years later!

But seriously, life as I had known it was changing so fast, it was scary. My best friend was gone, busy with her own life at school, just as it was supposed to be...only I was angry, sad, depressed and felt like my life was over. In fact, I was sure of it. I was mad that I had not had more children, if I had had more children, I would still have one at home. I ranted and raved to my husband that we could adopt, that we were not too old to have another child.....he thought I had lost my mind.....and bless his heart, he was not willing to give me another baby....but a puppy was a different matter! It was just more fuel to the fire of my emotional state and eating habits. The adjustment of my daughter going off to college, was one of the hardest things to accept, silly as that sounds. When I felt bad, I ate.....and I felt so bad all the time...so I ate all the time.....before I knew it, my weight was 198. How did that happen?

In the spring of 2006, I went in for my yearly exam and my blood pressure was sky high. The Dr. asked if I had seen my family doctor and did he know of the problem....unable to face this, I said yes, they know it is high.....but I don't want any medicine.....I had no idea my blood pressure was out of control....but did not want to admit it and had not been to my family doctor. I think she knew I was not telling the truth, She referred me to a nutritionist and recommended I pay her a visit. The nutritionist had helped her (the dr) lose weight and keep it off and she looked great. In fact, she was the same age as I was, only she looked about 20 years younger. All of a sudden, I felt old. But was encouraged that there was hope and help, I just needed to make an appointment.

The first appointment I had with the nutritionist was a real eye opener. I weighed 198 lbs. After a lengthy talk, I was given a diet to follow, what foods to eat, what foods I could not eat...and the latter was a much longer list. I thought she was crazy, I did not eat this type of foods, and certainly my family did not eat them either. If I started fixing this type of things, they would think I had lost my mind....healthy, organic foods were not in my kitchen. The main thing for me was sugar. I could not have any....foods that made sugar or fruits that made sugar in my body were off limits. No more baked goods, donuts, pies, cakes, ice cream..... No soft drinks, and believe me, I could drink a 6 pack in a day....no joke.....if I needed a pick me up, I'd have a soda......all the time.
I was given supplements from the nutritionist (well, I purchased them) to go along with my new " lifestyle change" and reported in each week with a visit. For three months, I ate mostly the same thing each and every day, I did not eat out hardly at all, and when I did, was very careful what I ate. In 3 months I got down to 165 lbs. I felt better. Really Better. I was in a size 12 from a size 16.

I felt better about myself, and confident I could do this on my own. After all, the visits were not cheap and they were not covered by my insurance. So guess what...I stopped going. Stopped taking my supplements because I felt better, and slowly....went right back into my old routine.....cooking my old favorite foods that I had missed so much, eating at the old favorite restaurants. At first, nothing really happened, I maintained....but then slowly but surely, the weight came back and along with the weight, the blue clouds starting rolling back in, you would think I would have made the connection........to be continued

Weight Loss Journey Part 2

Related Post:
Introduction: click Here
Part 1 : click Here

In 2001, I had lost some of my weight, but it came right back. I would guess my weight fluctuated between 150 and 169 around this time, for some of you I know you are saying "That's not so much" but for my normal weight, it was. Life events, which I can not discuss, took a major tole on my well being. The "what" of the issues are really not the topic, it was the emotional stress, sadness, disappointment, the feelings I had failed, lost sense of self worth, and depression and anxiety attacks took me to a place I had never been too, and would not want to be. Something unimaginable happened in my life, and the happy life I had known was never to return. I have dealt with this for many years. It really effected me, paralyzed my thought process, and I felt I had no hope, guilt had over come my life. I had to accept some things were lost forever...I would never get over it, but I had to learn to deal with it. I sought professional counseling, and got myself back on track and feeling some better. However, the old way of dealing with stressful situations never returned, I was always feeling too weak inside to handle stress like I used to do. So I was really in a fragile state....like a time bomb ticking....only foods were a comfort and that became my new joy, eating unhealthy foods became my survival mode.

In March of 2003, I got a call from my estranged step mother, my father was dead. Granted, I had not had any contact with him in several years, but no matter, that was a shock and a great sadness that no reconciliation would ever take place, I did not realize at the time how this left a lump in my heart the size of a football field, but like everything else, I suppressed these feelings and moved on the best way I could.And as you can imagine, dealing with monument sadness and depression, again, I turned to foods.

Then in June of 2003, my father in law had a triple by pass surgery and I took care of his recovery until he had to go into rehab. He is not a good patient, very mean and rude and wants to blame everyone for his problems.....that is just the way he is when he is sick...the stress from that was so over powering I can not explain. I was racked with guilt for sending him to a rehab place, but I could not allow him to disrupt my already stressful household being the uncooperative self he was. I felt bad and felt like it was my duty to care for him as he was my husband's father. None the less, he went to rehab, recovered and things leveled off.

In early August of 2003, my dad's sister, my sweet Aunt passed away. This was the last living relative on my dad's side of the family, no grandparents, no aunts or uncles, no dad...all gone just like that...I can not tell you how hard even to this day it is to type the words, it was like someone wiped away all the loved ones from this side of the family, all the memories, voices, the laughter, all were gone just like that...... unimaginable to me still. The great sadness was dealt with by eating, I really developed a love of sweets during this year, and that is how I dealt with my grief....the sweets....they made me feel good.

My mother in law encouraged me to lose some weight throughout this same year (2003), even paid for my weight watcher visits to try and help me lose. She encouraged, prompted, and was my cheerleader. I thought she was going to weight watchers too, but she was not.....she was sick and we NEVER knew it. In late September, we found out she had stage 4 breast cancer. We had NO IDEA she was even sick, she kept this all to herself.....she passed away 3 1/2 weeks after we found out she was sick. The unimaginable had happened, this lady who has been my children's grandmother, my husband's mother was dying....she was in her 60's, this is not supposed to happen. How was this happening? I took care of her for the last weeks of her life. The things I saw, the things I had to do, the feelings I felt, these things that were so hard to believe imaginable happened and she was gone before I ever had a chance to save her. And in my mind, I thought I could....save her. I felt like if I took care of her the best I knew how, fed her the right kind of foods, offered support, took her to chemo, all would be good or at least give my husband and children a few more months to have her. It was not to be. One Wednesday morning, 3 and 1/2 weeks of learning she was sick, I went to wake her up...only she was gone....just like that....my world spun out of control.....I had to call my husband at work to tell him I had not saved his mother, I had failed him......it was too much of a burden to carry, inside I had fallen completely apart.

On the outside, no one ever knew.......I had endured so much stress and sadness during this short time span, I knew my life had spiraled out of control again and all comforts were found in sweets and salty foods. The year 2003 was one of the hardest years of my life.......to be continued

Afterthought: I believe everyone experiences similar things in their lives that cause the same feelings and behaviors I have experienced. No matter how small or large things appear to others, the only person who really knows how they effect you and on what levels are YOU. I know this is very important to acknowledge and deal with so this same cycle does not continue, because when I feel these old feelings and emotions trying to surface.....I am now armed and ready to not allow them to take control of my life.....think about the trigger things in your life, and then try and discover their roots....it will make all the difference in the world.....

A Weight Loss Journey - Part One

When your life feels like it has faded away...it is possible for life to bud again into something beautiful.
~ Coloradolady

To read introduction: Click HERE

A couple of weeks ago, I mentioned my new weight loss plan, and after much debate with myself...I have decided to go public with my story, my struggles, and my hope for a better tomorrow....I am sure I will most likely say more than some of my family members might be comfortable with....so please accept my apologies in advance. There is a lot to my story.....so I will update every Sunday and Tuesday.....in doing so, I hope to help someone out there that may be struggling with the same issues and give someone else the hope I did not have.....

I am 48 years old, that may come to a shock to some. You may think I am older than that, but I doubt anyone thinks I am younger....that is OK.....In my younger years, I was thin, with the exception of being pregnant and losing the baby weight, I stayed pretty thin. But like all good things...that too came to an end. In my late 30's I began to put weight on, and would diet, try fad diets, weight watchers...you name it, but after I would lose, it would be back up in no time at all. Now, it is very important that I tell you I am not athletic, and I hate working out, walking, etc. I am so much happier with a book, in front of the computer, or doing non-active activities. Just keep that in mind, and as you can imagine, that is part of the problem.

As I got older, my weight became a problem, and with lack of exercise, it could be nothing but a problem. The reason for this was partly because of the cooking I did at home. Southern cooking to me speaks of "good food" and my family loves to eat like that...Fried anything is better than baked....totally was the way it was no matter it be chicken, fish, squash, pork chops, potatoes...you name it...I'd fry it. I thought (and still do) that was my job as a good mom and wife...to fix good food!

After all, the best cook I have ever known was my grandmother and she cooked foods exactly like the foods I cooked for my family all of these years. Cakes, pies, cookies, pudding...always a homemade dessert went with the good meal. See, that is the types of meals I remembered from my childhood and those are the fondest memories I have are those times and meals at my grandparents house. So why in the world would I not want to repeat that for my own family? Well, I have done that for a very long time without really thinking about how unhealthy the foods really were. Oh, they tasted good, mighty good but from a healthy standpoint..not so much. I am sure this type of cooking is perfectly fine for a special occasion or for every once in a while, not every singe day. I think you get the picture here. Now, throw in a good mix of eating out A LOT the past 10 years...and well...slowly but surely the weight crept up and did not come off. I had no idea how much of an impact the eating out part has on my weight until just recently...more on that later.

Eleven years ago, I went to work for a company and unfortunately most of the hours are night time hours. I have worked nights for the past eleven years. That in and of itself is a stress on your body. I never feel right...always tired, not knowing what meal to eat and when, eating all night at work, eating when I got up during the day, trying to fix a dinner for my family and of course wanting to with eat with them....it was a real problem, and truthfully, it still is.

If someone has never worked at night, they just can not understand how one feels working those hours. I never feel rested, always feel like things are messed up and feel off balanced with the rest of the world. It is an ongoing problem.....the only reason I am bringing this up, is because truthfully, that has been a contributing factor as to where I am today with my weight issues, so I feel I needed to mention that. Never getting adequate rest and stress really does play a role in one's overall well being.

I have been married almost 24 years. If you think working nights when your spouse works days has not been stressful, think again. It is. No matter how much they try to understand, they really do not. After all, I am the one home during the day, therefore, I can run errands, make phone calls, etc.....it has gotten better, but seriously, it is hard to get into some one's head that my night time is their day time, and how exactly would you handle getting up in the middle of the night to run to a Dr. appointment or run errands, then go back to bed and get up in a couple of hours and go to work....I am not blaming my spouse, but it is hard, and like I said things have gotten better, but it has been a struggle.

Off days are even a challenge, I am used to being up all night, and well.....I am supposed to go to bed like normal people on my off nights, not be tired, not have a headache, in the mood, blah, blah, blah....and truth be told, it is not like that. I never feel good, rested, or relaxed. Stressed to the max. And feeling bad about ones self does not help, and feeling unattractive does not make for a romantic time in the bedroom.....just being truthful. I know I am not the only person who does/has felt that way.

This is where I can really pinpoint my weight starting to be a problem. Sleeping all day does not leave much time for exercise of any kind and what better excuse to have if you hate the exercise to begin with? Eating wrong on top of that, eating out because it was easier and more convenient and well.....this was the beginning of a long battle within myself.....and a problem with weight. Everyone if they will stop and think about how you have gotten to where you are today, I believe will discover a starting point. It may be painful to admit, to acknowledge, or accept, but for me, in order to better understand myself, I had to dig deep inside and try to figure out where it all went wrong and why......stay tuned if you think this story is going to get any better.....you are wrong....this was just a tip of the iceberg.....to be continued.